Night of Prayer & Worship

Tonight was designated as our Night of Prayer & Worship, as we came together to break our fast.

During a major portion of prayer & worship we were challenged to to sit quietly & allow God to speak to us.

One particular moment we were told to imagine our sins going into Jesus wounds upon the cross. I sat & waited. I was praying for God to remove the deep roots within my heart that needed to be broken through & removed. I could see myself @ the foot of the cross. I feel like there is nothing but ugliness within me. I HAVE to get all of this 'bad stuff' out of me. I begin to wretch & vomit. Everything within me that is debase, disgusting & gross comes out. My heart is torn open & the disgustingness is flowing out of me w/ vomitroscious force.

The vomit is shooting up to Jesus, it becomes the nails in his hands, the spear in his side, the vomit is shooting into his open, fleshy wounds. The vomit, my vomit is causing his wounds. But then....as his wounds are gaping & bleeding...His blood is pouring out, onto me, covering me, dripping over me starting from my head.

As His blood pours over me, I am emerging as this beautiful creature. The blood is transforming me from disgusting to radiant. My vomit causes his wounds, which cause his blood, which cleanses & purifies me.

Later as I went to the 'altar' to kneel before the Lord, initially I was praying, then I stopped & just knelt there.

Again, I imagined myself @ the feet of Jesus. Nothing out of the ordinary, just me, as I am today, kneeling @ His feet. I feel him lift my face up towards Him as he says w/ gentle care, My daughter, lifting me up to my feet but as I rise, I am a young girl, lifted into her Father's arms & he is holding me. I see a young girl, in a ruffled skirt, two pig tails, one on each side of her head, folded white ruffled socks & shiny black maryjane shoes. Her face is nestled into his neck, her legs wrapped around his waist. he can't help but hug her as he holds her. As he holds ME.

I could FEEL this & it overwhelmed me. I began to get teary eyed but smile as Jesus touched me personally within my heart & very soul. I felt like.....??? Jesus was reaching to & revealing that hurt little girl inside of me. Although i am no longer a little girl, but a grown woman, HE still cares about the wounds of that little girl. He is here to love & care for that little girl, still.

Then I felt an urgent need to pray for my own 5.5yo dd, that she NEVER feel that pain of rejection & abandonement as a child that can plague her through out her life.

I'm still here...

I've learned so much these past few months.
I can't even believe it's been 3.5 mos since the 'nightmare', but it has.

The joy that this fills me w/ is so peaceful.

I am still growing every day in my relationship w/ Christ, my Savior.

I've gone from feeling utterly dejected, rejected, worthless & disposable, to realizing my value IN CHRIST. I have been even more reassured of how much my life DOES mean to Christ. He cried w/ me, ached w/ me & rejoiced w/ me @ each tiny triumph & victory.

All the while, showing me that HE was in control.

My marraige did not restore itself, neither did things take such a drastic turn by any will of mine. Over & over again, God showed me how totally impossible this situation was & yet...?? Here we are. Together again.

We are doing a 28 day fast, @ church. I am fasting sugar & sweet desserts. It's been harder than I thought it would be. I am excited to see what God is going to do within this month. I am excited to see the 'breakthroughs' that will happen.

Personally, it's been a real challenge, to NOT feel like I HAVE to take care of myself. I know I've been disappointed so many times & have this underlying feeling that I will NOT be taken care of by anyone, therefore I can only depend on myself. I want to release that & fully rely on God. I can do it sometimes & I've seen him woork in amazing & unbelieveable ways....but can I release EVERYTHING when I have the option to DO something?

That is where I am right now.

On day ONE of fasting, DH lost his job.....he doesn't have a repalcement yet. Only 18 more days & our rent is due again. What will I do then? Can I relase all ideas of 'control' & give this all to God?

It's a challenge to be sure.

I am excited to see what God is going to do.

As of today, I feel I am prepared for whatever God has in mind...maybe we will be 'camping' come this time next month. I have NO idea. But I am ready to embrace the adventure. @ least I THINK I am. lol