Never could I relate before. Never would I have even considered it. How could I have forgotten?
My life has been touched by adultery, not my own, not in the worldly sense anyway. I remember when I was debating what to do in my own marriage, when it was learned that my H had betrayed his vows. I was so angry & I heard God say to me: You have been unfaithful TO ME every day of your life. I heard it, I felt it & I was moved.
But that was then, I carried that mini-lesson w/ me, in my back pocket, to be brought out upon occasion when needed. When women, married or not, asked me HOW I could forgive my H...I brought out my 'wisdom', my 'word of the Lord'. I understood it, I KNEW it.
But just now, watching the video in the previous post...thinking how I could relate to Mary, as a mother, how pained her heart must have been to witness her son & Lord suffering, in such horrific ways. The actress portrays a stoic mother, not turning away. Then I caught that glimpse of the 'other Mary', the 'adulteress', crying & weeping, hardly able to contain herself, then it hit me.......
I AM her as well. It is not just my H. I am not the 'forgiver', I AM the forgiven. Even to THIS day. That spirit of discontent I have allowed to breed within my heart. That boredom, the fantasies, the wishes, leaving me empty. Flirting w/ temptations, whatever they may be, luring me from MY groom, who is my Lord.
How could I have been so blinded? So naive? My heart is physically aching as I write this.
To BE discontent, that is straying, that was breaking my vow to my Lord. That is how it starts, not in the sinful act itself, but in the idea of it, the thoughts, the premeditation of it. How quickly & easily it festers.
How could I have not noticed? I thoutgh I did not know the true reach of God's grace because somehow I never experienced it. It was all in 'talk' but not action. I had not actually, ever done anything SO bad. Still, in denial.
I never thought I would be her. I take precautions, I avoid the appearance of evil, I guard my mouth.....I was slacking off in guarding my mind, my heart. I allowed my mind to wander to the ideas of this world, "shiny things".........anything that could take me farther & farther from my Lord.
wow.
I know it seems so obvious............................
Friday, March 31, 2006
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Maybe I'm a robot?
Somewhere along the time continuum, that is my life, I became very 'logical'. Maybe I was always that way & never realized it. It is described in a marriage communication book I read, as a 'thinker', as opposed to being a 'feeler'.
It is a trait that can really come in handy, say, when decisions need to be made. It can also be quite frustrating when dealing w/ those who are 'feelers'. Especially if that 'feeler' is your spouse.
Also, most people don't believe me but I have a naturally 'depressive' nature. I have probably been clinically depressed my whole life. So is my mother, aunt (her sister) & my grandma (her mom). So I don't know if it is genetic or a 'learned' behavior or a combination of both. So it is interesting that positive emotions are a vague concept for me to grasp BUT I am very familiar & even comfortable w/ the range of negative ones.
Logical thinking has gotten me through many dark hours & during the darkest, medication. It was still my logical thought process that led me to seek medication before someone got hurt or worse, though. Now, I accept it as a 'fact of life' that I may never grasp 'happiness' but in a way it has been very freeing. I used to search intently for this 'happiness'. Not knowing what it was or how it was achieved & why it seemed so easy for everyone else. Once I hit the lowest point & felt the fear of being psychotic....I took the drugs, which helped beyond belief. Gained some mental control & then began some serious soul searching. (I am no longer on any medication, btw)
I accepted that this was me. However flawed, God created me as me, the logical one, the thinker & the possibly the 'depressive'. Therefore I gave up my goal for 'happiness' & instead focused my energy on being content. It was not a feeling for me. It was a logical choice. I could live my life feeling broken, unfulfilled, & empty OR I could live my life having CHOSEN to BE.
So I chose to BE. Just be. In that choice, I also started to create. Create my life as I wanted it to be. I chose to take my thoughts captive. I made a conscious choice to think of the good things, nice things, things I am grateful for. (hhhmmmmm...wonder where we've heard that advice before? lol)
My mottos changed. My marriage was no longer 'hard work' but an 'adventure'. Suddenly I was living Happily Ever After. I stopped seeking external validation or gratification, stopped expecting everyone else to make me happy.
I would hear others speak of this inexplicable LOVE they have for Christ, these emotions, these feelings. I'd think I must not be a good Christian because I just don't feel that way. Again, an epiphany or something....cause DUH, GOD made me this thinker. I may not feel love for Christ, but I can act lovingly. I can choose to be loving to others. I am touched by His sacrifice for me, but it is not an emotional reaction, but rather, it makes sense to me that I would be grateful for what He chose to do for me. How could you not?
The hard part comes into play when you are dealing w/ others who are emotionally motivated. They crave feelings. They want you to make them feel something. I do not hold others accountable to make me feel anything. I do not expect anyone to make me happy. I choose to act happy or not. Feelings fade w/ the wind. I know that so I do not depend on them. That is why I do not make decisions based on how I am feeling today. I have never ripped up a picture, out of anger, because I always knew that I would not be that angry forever & I most likely I would regret it later. lol
So how do a thinker & feeler make it work IRL? Oh the secret........lol.....accepting them as who they are, instead of as 'wrong'. lol NOT expecting them to be like me, think like me or to make choices like me, for starters. Paying attention is also a necessary skill. When someone tells me, I feel loved when you do _______. You can be sure I will be doing ______. Because my action will communicate love to that other person, or whatever feeling they are seeking.
I think my oldest son is more of thinker like me, ds #2---> total feeler & my dd, well, she's just a squealer! lol
And being a thinker does not mean that we are not sensitive, quite the contrary. I am so sensitive I can almost read minds & my children are very intune that way too. So much so, that it is almost scary. (I call it my super power, so don't tell anyone) They will examine & dissect every intake of breath, sigh, minute body language & inflection of voice. It can be tiring, for both parties. Perhaps that is why everyone thinks they are exceptional communicators, even at such young ages?
I joke that my super power is also a curse. It is extremely hard for me to take a person's words @ face value when it appears so obvious they do not mean it. But for whatever reason, they are choosing not to say what they mean, but rather what they want you to hear or what they think you want to hear. {maybe that is the real reason I am crazy. lolol} My ktbunch does not know that yet, about taking someone's word @ face value. Instead they question every sigh & inflection.
I think, this is why sometimes, I wish we could all be robots. :o)
It is a trait that can really come in handy, say, when decisions need to be made. It can also be quite frustrating when dealing w/ those who are 'feelers'. Especially if that 'feeler' is your spouse.
Also, most people don't believe me but I have a naturally 'depressive' nature. I have probably been clinically depressed my whole life. So is my mother, aunt (her sister) & my grandma (her mom). So I don't know if it is genetic or a 'learned' behavior or a combination of both. So it is interesting that positive emotions are a vague concept for me to grasp BUT I am very familiar & even comfortable w/ the range of negative ones.
Logical thinking has gotten me through many dark hours & during the darkest, medication. It was still my logical thought process that led me to seek medication before someone got hurt or worse, though. Now, I accept it as a 'fact of life' that I may never grasp 'happiness' but in a way it has been very freeing. I used to search intently for this 'happiness'. Not knowing what it was or how it was achieved & why it seemed so easy for everyone else. Once I hit the lowest point & felt the fear of being psychotic....I took the drugs, which helped beyond belief. Gained some mental control & then began some serious soul searching. (I am no longer on any medication, btw)
I accepted that this was me. However flawed, God created me as me, the logical one, the thinker & the possibly the 'depressive'. Therefore I gave up my goal for 'happiness' & instead focused my energy on being content. It was not a feeling for me. It was a logical choice. I could live my life feeling broken, unfulfilled, & empty OR I could live my life having CHOSEN to BE.
So I chose to BE. Just be. In that choice, I also started to create. Create my life as I wanted it to be. I chose to take my thoughts captive. I made a conscious choice to think of the good things, nice things, things I am grateful for. (hhhmmmmm...wonder where we've heard that advice before? lol)
My mottos changed. My marriage was no longer 'hard work' but an 'adventure'. Suddenly I was living Happily Ever After. I stopped seeking external validation or gratification, stopped expecting everyone else to make me happy.
I would hear others speak of this inexplicable LOVE they have for Christ, these emotions, these feelings. I'd think I must not be a good Christian because I just don't feel that way. Again, an epiphany or something....cause DUH, GOD made me this thinker. I may not feel love for Christ, but I can act lovingly. I can choose to be loving to others. I am touched by His sacrifice for me, but it is not an emotional reaction, but rather, it makes sense to me that I would be grateful for what He chose to do for me. How could you not?
The hard part comes into play when you are dealing w/ others who are emotionally motivated. They crave feelings. They want you to make them feel something. I do not hold others accountable to make me feel anything. I do not expect anyone to make me happy. I choose to act happy or not. Feelings fade w/ the wind. I know that so I do not depend on them. That is why I do not make decisions based on how I am feeling today. I have never ripped up a picture, out of anger, because I always knew that I would not be that angry forever & I most likely I would regret it later. lol
So how do a thinker & feeler make it work IRL? Oh the secret........lol.....accepting them as who they are, instead of as 'wrong'. lol NOT expecting them to be like me, think like me or to make choices like me, for starters. Paying attention is also a necessary skill. When someone tells me, I feel loved when you do _______. You can be sure I will be doing ______. Because my action will communicate love to that other person, or whatever feeling they are seeking.
I think my oldest son is more of thinker like me, ds #2---> total feeler & my dd, well, she's just a squealer! lol
And being a thinker does not mean that we are not sensitive, quite the contrary. I am so sensitive I can almost read minds & my children are very intune that way too. So much so, that it is almost scary. (I call it my super power, so don't tell anyone) They will examine & dissect every intake of breath, sigh, minute body language & inflection of voice. It can be tiring, for both parties. Perhaps that is why everyone thinks they are exceptional communicators, even at such young ages?
I joke that my super power is also a curse. It is extremely hard for me to take a person's words @ face value when it appears so obvious they do not mean it. But for whatever reason, they are choosing not to say what they mean, but rather what they want you to hear or what they think you want to hear. {maybe that is the real reason I am crazy. lolol} My ktbunch does not know that yet, about taking someone's word @ face value. Instead they question every sigh & inflection.
I think, this is why sometimes, I wish we could all be robots. :o)
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