Precious Alice

Recently I saw the movies Precious and Alice in Wonderland.  Precious is not a movie I would normally watch, given the content but the main actress was nominated for an academy award.  Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland....well who could resist?

First I must say, Precious is a very *hard* movie, hard to watch, hard to listen to, very hard. period.  I do not recommend viewing it if you have ever had any experience with physical, sexual or any type of abuse.

Alice, if you are familiar with the classic tale, is a fantastical journey through an imaginary place.  I loved the costumes but it was given a Tim Burton twist so I can't say there was much more about it.  Take it or leave it.

I realized that both of these movies actually have very much in common.  Both feature a female as the main character.  One, Precious, it told only negative things her entire life.  She has a very nice name, the word precious, but she is treated as anything BUT 'precious'.  Ironic?  She is severely abused, told she is worthless and stupid.  For her, it is her identity--her identity is that she is 'nothing'.

Alice enters wonderland and is immediately questioned whether or not she is THEE Alice.  The Alice they are looking for is supposed to do something 'great'.  Alice insists she is Alice, just not that Alice.  There are a few that insist she is that Alice and others that insist she is not that Alice. 

Both these heroines, in both these stories, journey toward finding their true identities.

Precious does not believe she is anything more than what she has been told her whole life: nothing.  For her, it was through education that she begins to discover she was something more.  Alice, in denial that she could be anything more,  chooses to run away from who she was destined to be.  That very choice, leads her right to her very purpose, thus becoming her destiny after all.

How many of us are destined for more?  How many us find it unfathomable that we could be anything more than we are today, or yesterday? Why wouldn't you be destined for greatness? Why are we afraid to become more? Alice wanted something more but was too afraid to find out what that was.  She ran away from the possibilities until she truly had no other choice, thus becoming exactly who she was running away from, afraid of being.  Let go of fear!

Precious, well, she had no idea she could even be something more.  Others encouraged her.  Others came along side her and helped her to see the truth, she could learn, she was worth teaching.  She was not 'stupid'.  Sometimes God puts other people in our lives that will encourage us to reach our full potential in Christ.  Maybe you are one of those people that encourages others. 

Other times, like Precious, we have no idea our identity is anything more than what others perceive it to be.  It's can be scary to realize you are not what you thought you were....you are something more.  

What will you do when you realize you are MORE?  When you know WHO you are, WHAT will you DO? 

The Cocoon

Did you know that when a butterfly is in a cocoon and begins to emerge, it *must* fight it's way out on it's own. If you 'help' it, it will not have enough strength to fly away.


You see, the struggle, to emerge from the cocoon, to free itself from it's ugly black covering, is the exact thing it needs to get it's blood pumping into it's wings. The struggle is what strengthens it enough to flap those wings and fly away. No one can help and if they do, they will actually harm more than help. If the butterfly is not strong enough to fly away, it will starve and die.
Many times we experience those moments in our lives. Sometimes we may not even realize it. Does the butterfly know it's in a cocoon? I don't know. Maybe we don't want change and we fight against it. That very fight, that strength of will, is the very thing that is going to enable us to come out and fly away.


Fly away towards the path God has intended. Fly away from a wounded past that has been holding us back. Fly away for a better view of the world around us. The thing is, no one can help us out of the cocoon. And we can't help another out of their cocoon either. They must fight their way out on their own, lest they lose the ability to build the strength they need. It may feel lonely but it has it's purpose, to build endurance, to build life.


Maybe we do want change and we are fighting to speed up the process. We want OUT and we want out NOW. Are we fully developed enough yet though? Can you hurry change? Has a butterfly ever rushed to escape it's cocoon? If it did would it emerge, perhaps, with only a partial wing? I don't believe a flying creature will be able to fly very well with a partial wing.


The end result of the process will be nice. Don't we all want to be butterflies? Perhaps not. What if we are called to fly away, to use our wings? Will we be leaving behind some dearly beloved caterpillars? That is a fear. A valid fear? Does the butterfly emerge and look back as it flies away? Does it long to be back in the ugly cocoon? I really don't think so.


I imagine, once it feels the freedom, the release from the captivity of that dark cocoon, all fear is gone. All that is felt is the rush of the blood pumping, admiration of the new view, no more looking at dirt all day.

Change can be hard. It can be scary. I think it's ok to struggle with it. We can be afraid of change, it's a challenge. I believe the struggle IS the key component. The butterfly would never emerge as a butterfly, not a living one anyway, if it did not struggle.

Long Term Investments

It's no secret that we are living in a very fast paced, technologically advanced age.  Our kids have no idea what it is to wait to purchase an album when they can get any song in virtually seconds, online. Saving up to buy something? Why? With instant credit.

How impatient do we get when our DSL takes a more than a few seconds to upload a page. We can be contacted at any given moment via cell phone, instant messages, instant email, instant pictures, instant updates.....most everything is immediate & if it is *not*...Yikes!

I'm not writing anything new or that you don't already know.

However, this is all man's timing. Our technology and pace of life may have changed but the truth is God's has not. A tree takes the same amount of time to mature today, as it did 2000 years ago. A baby still takes about 9 months to fully mature to birth. Flowers are not produced instantaneously, they must all start from seeds. Fruit still grows on trees.

God has not changed his timing. We are under His concept of time, not ours.  We can get so rushed sometimes and feel frustrated when we do not see instant results; in ministry, in our personal lives, relationships, in answers. Right? Are we expecting instant messages form God? How hard is it for us to pray and WAIT for an answer? How long are we willing to wait, if we even do.

John the Baptist, I have decided, is my Biblical hero. I love everything I have read about him from the Bible. But I think more of his mother. Elizabeth and Mary both were humbled and blessed to give birth to John and the Messiah himself.

Promises were given to them, about the children they carried in their womb but how long before their mission was actually fulfilled. We know Christ did not begin his ministry until he was 30 years old. 3 years later he was dead. How long Mary herself, had to wait, and I imagine, pray over her child, to see his mission and purpose fulfilled.

Elizabeth, how long she waited (and possibly given up hope) to have a child of her own and then to see his purpose fulfilled. Which then fulfilled their own very purpose..to raise up these men.

It can be easy to feel discouraged when we are not seeing immediate results. I challenge myself and anyone else who may read this to take time to wait. Wait for the investment pay off. Obedient children aren't born, they are raised. You don't wake up and run a marathon in one day. You must train for it.

The same goes for ministry or answers to prayer. Keep on keeping on. I believe the results of most of our efforts pay out in years. Don't stop praying. Don't give up. Don't stop training. Personally, I am beginning to see results of a vision I was given over 10 years ago! I can barely believe it myself. I didn't even believe it was possible when I first got the idea but it's happening. And it's quite possible if I had stayed the course from the beginning, it may have happened even sooner.

Remember, everything you do for the kingdom, is a LONG TERM INVESTMENT. The return may not be immediate. But it will be everlasting.

Let Freedom RING!

Today is Independence Day! yes.

I realize that I have a few hidden parts of my life that keep me from being truly free. Free from the past. Free from reminders. Free from pain.

I decided to make a choice. I let it go. For me, it was a physical act of deleting a few things I was purposely holding onto. Why? I'm not sure exactly....a feeling of jic...

Then who was my trust really in? revenge? myself? Certainly not God if I was choosing to hold onto something *else*. Holding onto the past...today I choose to move forward & grab onto the *future*.
:-D

So today...I let it go.

delete. Delete. DELETE!!!

Goodbye forever!
& Good riddance.

Free at last, free at last. Thank the Lord I'm free at last!

Joseph was nothing special

Many times, I think, as Christians we have (or others have) some special power that allows us to handle trials & hard times *better*. As if simply because we ARE Christians, trials are NOT that hard for us.

I completely disagree. I really learned a lot from Joseph recently. In my Bible readings the past few months I have really began to see how *human* we all are. Joseph was no different. A true man of God but he still wept, grieved & had hard times.

His brothers plot to *kill* him. WHO would not feel rejected & alone in a family like that? They end up selling him as a slave. How alone & scared he must've felt. Eventually he ends up in running a high ranking officials home. He is in entrusted & in charge of *everything*. It may appear @ first that he is living the *high life* & has no reason to complain, right? But he is still a *Servant*, which is proven when Potiphar's Wife tries to seduce him & he being a man of God refuses her advances & literally RUNS away.

She accuses him of impropriety & what happens to all that trust Potiphar had given him? Immediately it is shown that Potiphar's loyalty lies w/ his scheming wife. Where is justice? Joseph is now in jail for a crime he did not commit. Because he knew God are we to assume his life in jail was any better than the other prisoners? That it was not hard? That he did not miss his family because he was living in a rich man's house prior?

He finds favor even while in jail--but let's face it---it's JAIL! Eventually he is reinstated to a high position again. There is a famine in the land. It's been *years* since he's seen his family. Years.

I imagine he still thought about them, even though it is not mentioned.
What is mentioned & stood out to me, was how he reacted when he did see his family again.

They came seeking help because of the famine. When Joseph actually saw them---he did not immediately reveal who he was. They did not recognize him. So many times he looked @ them, then turned his back & wept in private. Why was he crying? I imagine all those years, he thought he would just not think about it. He would *move on* w/ his life...put the past behind him...right?

Like we try to do so many times & w/ so many issues in our own lives. Joseph was a man of God true. But he was not w/o pain, suffering, betrayal, abandonment & GRIEF! When he saw his brothers--imagine all that pain rushing back into his heart. All those memories that he may have thought he had forgotten & *gotten over*. IF so then why was he crying? Why did he keep his identity a secret from them?

I *think* it was because he was so confused. Torn between wanting vengeance & justice & feeling that longing to be part of his family again. All those issues resurfacing---even YEARS later!

I don't believe God expects us to not feel sorrow & pain over offenses. I believe he knows how we feel. He wants to heal us but we need to acknowledge that we experience disappointment, sometimes major, within our lives. But He, in his infinite wisdom knows how to gently lead us to the path of forgiveness, restoration & reconciliation. Eventually Joseph reconciles w/ his brothers & father. He forgives them, treats them very well & renews some form of relationship w/ them.

It is not immediate though. He did not deny, to himself, what they had done. He did not rush to them & embrace them as brothers. He messed w/ them a bit, actually.

Forgiveness, IMO, does not mean we need to deny offenses we have endured or experienced. I don't believe it even happens over night. I believe it is a process. There is a wide range of emotions & feelings to sort out after we have been mistreated. There is no shame in that.

But we can trust God to work those things out within us. I don't believe we can do it on our own. I think the first step is admitting how painful or hurt we are. & trusting God to work out the details within our hearts. He can create a sense/spirit of forgiveness within our souls. Some offenses are easier to forgive then others. Some take less time to process & *get over*.

But none the less, we need not deny when we have been abuse & hurt.

IMO

Loving the UNloveable

Through out my life I've heard numerous sermons on loving the unlovable. Most often the example has been given of people loving dirty, homeless people. EEEwwwweeee yuck! right?

But I am realizing it's EASY to love a homeless person. Give them some $$$, or some food, smile & send them on their merry way. That's loving them right? If you're brave enough, give them a hug. Seems easy enough to me.

But you know what...I am realizing it's much more & much harder than *that*!

It's the people IN your actual life, that you must deal w/ maybe cause they are members of your very own family that continuously rub you the wrong way. kwim?

Those are the people that I am finding the most challenging to *love*! It's ridiculous but true.

You expect something from family members. You expect certain behaviors, be honest. You expect consideration, graciousness, mutual respect. Sometimes you don't get any of that though. Instead you get crazy, immature, disappointing behavior that leads yout o want *nothing* to do w/ these people EVER again---but they are *family*!!!

HOW to love those unloveable people we can *not* get away form. Theya re not some stranger we can give a bottle of water to & bless as they go along thier way & we never see again. They are IN thier lives, prechosen by God to be relatives. You did not choose them & perhaps if you had been given the choice, you would NOT have chosen them. lol God has though.

Where is *that* sermon about loving the unloveable? Loving the hard to love that you must see & interact w/ on a regular basis.

That is my current challenge/struggle. I plan to rise to it though, by the Grace of God within me....

I feel SO blessed.

When things are going *well*.

But what about if things are not? Am I not blessed when they are not?

I was visiting w/ a friend recently & sharing how I feel *so* special, like *extra* special because I feel *so* blessed...then I wake up today to realize some things that I thought are really not.

$$$ is still an issue & reality when your DH is unemployed. It's bad enough we cannot fulfill our debts & financial obligations @ this time, but then to realize that some things I thought we could pay, we are unable. It's disappointing.

Did God let me down?
Was I wrong in saying He was providing for my needs?
Did *I* do something wrong?
Was I frivolous or did I mismanage?

No.

The reality is I'm still in the storm, the eye of it. But God has not left my side, nor does it mean I am no longer blessed.

I merely need to look around me & see the abundance within my life, even during time of need.
Stick to the truth, ignore the lies of the enemy.

I have plenty of food & a nice roof over my head. I don't mean that as : @ least I have those things, I mean it sincerely.

We live in a pretty nice house considering the economy & the rent is ridiculously cheap for what we have & our area.

My DH is unemployed & yet most would *never* know it if I did not tell them. I don't have to walk around looking sorrowful & sad. I can walk w/ my head held high, a spring in my step & joy in my heart. How can I rejoice in my humility?

Isn't that what we are supposed to do? Rejoice through all times? Count it all joy when you encounter trials & tribulations?
Am I supposed to *look poor*?
Am I to feel bad or guilty cause I know I am blessed?
Not any more than those w/ well paying jobs & secure incomes who are also striving to follow the Lord's leading in their lives & are also blessed.

I am humbled. Who am I that the Lord would see to bless *me*?
Do I deserve to be blessed any more or less then the next?

I think the *real* question is: What do I do w/ this?
What *can* I do w/ this?

For example, I do not really have to worry about my food budget right now.
I don't have any extra cash but I do have cupboards over-flowing w/ food. So I find ways to minister & contribute food items. It's what I have...I could prolly do more.

I sometimes think because my DH is unemployed my family & I must *appear* down & out. Do I really need to have my children wear shoes w/ holes? Or clothes w/ holes?

Is that the God I serve?
There may be times when he calls a person or family to specifically do just that...but when I look to His word, I see the verses about how He clothes the lilies of the fields, & commands to specifically NOT worry about what we will eat & what we will wear, because He cares & He will provide.

Also, because when we realize what is truly important, our relationship w/ Him, those things do not matter. I am learning each & every day, to pray for each & every thing I consider a need.

It is amazing what has been happening within my life in that regard.

Even something as simple as my challenging maternity wardrobe. I could make due w/ what I have...a couple pairs of maternity pants & shirts. It might get boring after awhile but it's comfortable & good enough. I did not whine, I did not complain (ok I might have whined once to DH but he was teasing me about wearing a 'good year' shirt! lol). Then what happens? A friend, w/o knowing my frustration, brings me a BOX of maternity wear. I'm talking NICE stuff. I have more pairs of maternity pants then I even know what to do w/.

My youngest son was feeling like he needed new shoes. Offering to save his *own* money for them, even. I told him he didn't need to do that...but to pray & ask God first. Next thing I know, his nana is commenting that he needs shoes & gave him $$$$ specifically for that, & for his siblings as well.

One of our cars just broke down, quite unexpectedly. I'm learning though. I didn't have that familiar sinking feeling of despair. I just thought, bummer, I'll pray about that & petition God about it & we'll see what happens. PTL we still have another car that God just provided much needed new brakes for & handled the registration for us too.

Sometimes God uses others to provide for these needs. A few times it has literally been a check in the mail, NOT from private donors either. Totally unexpected windfalls.

Like the Manna I wrote about before....God provides just enough for our immediate need. I keep thinking I need to *save*, jic. Just in case what? My desire to *save* is really, for me, a lack of trust. Like the Israelites....but God has not told me to save & there has been NO opportunity. No doubt there is a time & place for that & to be financially prudent.

But for this time in my life, it's been about trusting God fully and literally day to day.

And *that* has made all the difference.

Where is this coming from?

I am not by nature, optimistic.
Seriously...or have you noticed? lol

But for some reason, during what could be considered an extremely difficult season in my life...I pretty much have nothing but hope. I do feel discouraged still, but now it's so fleeting.

I keep wondering...what the? Where am I & what have you done w/ me?

I'm not complaining...just saying. Maybe it's all the positive pg hormones? Nah! I've been depressed & pg before. I believe it's God's amazing grace manifesting itself within my soul.

Plus the fact that I am {*finally*?} learning how faithful God truly is. I always felt He was faithful to *others*. He blessed *others*. But just not me...He had some other less then sparkly plans for me...nothing out of the ordinary, just average....basically, always felt & believed I was on my own.

I'm not special, not in any extraordinary sense. I'm not a super-woman, super-mom or super-anything. Except by the grace of God & His choice to die *for* me personally. And yet here I am...feeling like one of the *most* blessed women I've ever known. lol

IN amazing ways & in ordinary ways...Everyday I see God blessing me. I am so undeserving yet He remains. A word of encouragement here, a shared vision there, tingles up my spine to see the radiant smile of someone I've just prayed for. Healing, provision, surprises, laughter, peace.

More than anything & the main difference, is the HOPE! The hope I have for a bright future. A wonderful year. & believe me, I am not in a place where I can see this in the physical realm. I can not see anything to lead me to believe that this year is going to be any better, more productive or fruitful then last year. Except for the Hope God has supernaturally put within me.

And it's not even like the hope I used to feel...that says: well, I hope, maybe, if God wants, if I'm lucky, things will improve if I do X,Y,Z. NO!

It's an assured Hope. I *know* things are going to go well. Maybe I have lowered my standards & expectations---which still, if I have, then it's only because God has aligned them more w/ His priorities.

It's a confidence that I *know* God will provide all my needs. He cares about me & all the fine details.

I really can't believe how excited I am for this year. Why?

I just know w/ all my heart that this year is going to bring some amazing experiences & testimony of God's power & might. How? I don't know. When other's ask me how I'm doing...for the first time, if ever in my life, I can honestly, sincerely answer: I am going GREAT! :-)

I don't know...maybe there's just been an invasion of the Body Snatchers? Or I've finally turned into a Stepford Wife?

No one has everything!

Ya know, it's so easy to look @ another person's life & see that *they* have something we don't. Prolly something we want. But if we *really* look closely...we all have something someone else doesn't & maybe they want.

I'm having a baby. I've never struggled w/ a fertility issue. This baby was totally UNplanned. And yet...my DH is UNemployed & we've always pretty much struggled financially.

I know other's who are well off financially but yet, can't conceive.

Or couples who appear to have the perfect marriage but are flat broke...

*Everyone* longs for something.

I can sit & wonder *why* does it seem my life is destined for financial failure while others are not. They can sit & ask *why* is their life destined for fertility failure & other's not? Why are teen aged, unwed girls who could care less about having children, getting pg when there are grown, responsible women who cannot?

I don't know.
But God does.

None of have worse or better lives than the next. But we most certainly have different lives. God has each of us in our current place in life, facing different struggles & difficulties...because He enjoys seeing us squirm & suffer? NO! I believe he grieves w/ our losses. But He also wants us to grow & wants to challenge us to draw near to Him.

No one has a *perfect* life. Not one. It's foolish to assume so.

Everyone, @ any given moment is struggling w/ something.
It's not to take pleasure in seeing another suffer.
I believe, it's to realize that God has allowed each of us to be in different circumstances & situations that are personal & personally challenging.

Everyone has thier *thing*, thier weakness, if you may. In talking w/ friends, it also sounds like many of us are coming/reaching the same conclusions in these trialsome times.....do we trust God or not?

In good times AND in bad, disappointing times? When our lives aren't turning out as we imagined? Do we trust His will over & above our own? Beyond our own hopes, dreams & desires?

Are we willing to submit & turn over *all* of our hopes, dreams & desires? No matter what the cost? Even if we *never* get what we *want*? Even if we *never* get our hearts desire?

We can not focus on what we don't have or what we believe everyone else *does* have. We need only focus on the Christ & our relationship w/ HIM!

Time to get *Anchored*

I've prayed in the past for various people, family members & for myself, to build a firm foundation in Christ & Christ alone.

But you know what? The foundation has already been there, since I was a child. I may have strayed from the blue prints @ times, but the foundation was always there & enabled me to return to the original plan.

Now, though, forget the foundation. It's time to ANCHOR ourselves to the Lord.

We need to secure ourselves to Him so that we won't be swayed by the shifting winds & stormy seas. We need to securely fasten ourselves to our Lord, Jesus Christ.

That has become my new prayer. The foundation is there. We *know* the core & basics of our faith...but what are we doing w/ it? Are we swaying when times get tough? Are we shifting course left & right, searching for comfort or a new direction?

It's time to settle in! To be firm & in place. Nothing can hold us firmer than the anchor of the Lord. He is our rock. Only w/ an anchor will we never be swayed to & fro.

Only if we cling w/ everything we have, to Him & Him alone will we remain steadfast & unshaken during the storms.

My prayers have moved beyond now....I am now praying for myself, my family to be securely *anchored* to the Lord.

It's ALL Gonna Burn!

CA has been experiencing wildfires recently. Combined w/ a statewide drought & dry weather, & it's out of control, causing millions if not more, in damages to homes & irreplaceable forests & wildlife.

Ash is raining down on everything in my neighborhood. Our chests are tight & it's hard to breathe.

But you know what? It's quite an object lesson. *Everything* we have, own & hold dear to us, materially speaking, is gonna burn in the end. There is nothing on this Earth that we can take w/ us. Not even relationships.

What are we doing or producing that will have any eternal effect? kwim?

There is only *one* thing that will last & that is a relationship w/ Jesus Christ, our savior. Are we reproducing that? Are we sharing that opportunity w/ others? Consistently?

All our wordly goods, though enjoyable, really mean nothing, in the grand scheme of things. And all the actions, everything we *do* will be tested & judged @ that time when it is passed through the fire. What will we have to offer? What will we have to show for our time here?

A collection of items? A closet of clothes? Knick knacks? Books?

Or have we loved as Christ loves? Have we given as Christ has given? Have we sacrificed as Christ sacrificed? Have we served the poor? Helped the needy? Cared for the widows & orphans?

Or will our lives go through that fire & produce nothing but grey ash & dust?

The World is flipping out!

There is madness all around me, seriously. People are upset over the election & hate is rising up. The economy is dying, globally. Something is really in the air..although yesterday it was really windy & that felt like it cleansed a bit.

I can clearly see faithful Christians being attacked on every side, in bizarre ways.
H losing jobs, families going on public assistance, mothers becoming very ill, finances a wreck, appliances going kaput...& yet God provides.

Is it a test or the enemy on the prowl?

Things just feel different.
I don't know if I can explain what is in my heart & what I'm sensing around me....but it's time to really take stock of our lives, examine who we are & what we're doing---in & for Christ.
Are we really living as Christ has called us to live?

Cause times are going to get harder around us & we need to be prepared
I have more to say about this but my mind is tired right now, more later.

Manna

Last week I led the study for our youth group. It was on the chapter in Exodus when God first introduces Manna to the Israelites.

i am familiar w/ this story, I understand it is about God's provision.
What I wanted to focus on & what I got out of it, reading it this time was something new.

When the Israelites received the manna, the first thing they said was: What is it? That is actually, literally what the word manna means: What is it. It was something they had never seen before.

I am sure the Israelites had an idea of HOW they wanted God to provide for them. I believe they had a familiar idea. What God provided was not familiar though.

It was new & strange & His provision had some 'strings' attached, you might say. It was only there in the morning, by noon it melted away. If they tried to take care of themselves, by gathering more than was needed for the day, the manna rotted & became filled w/ maggots. Lovely.

I think the disciples also had a preconceived idea of how Jesus was going to 'save' them. And although they physically walked w/ Jesus & he warned them, I still think they were surprised how everything went down in the end. Their God, Jesus was DEAD! Not in a coma, not sleeping, but D.E.A.D dead!

Yet, Christ's death was God's perfect provision for us. He knew that it was the only provision that would really work & provide the perfect atonement & sacrifice for our sins, the only way for us to spend eternity w/ Him.

Now, in our lives, we often go to God w/ our needs & I'm sure we have an idea in our head of how that need should get met. Are we willing to accept the way God meets our need? Especially if it looks so different from what we have in mind? If it is so UNfamiliar? Do we trust God that He will meet our needs, provide for us, in the BEST way possible?

That was the challenge. God promises to provide for us....but it may not look like any 'provision' we've ever imagined....but it will be the BEST!

Hope in Crisis

It's that scene you see in movies sometimes...there is a character, @ the top of a building, about to JUMP & end their life. People are looking up in horror screaming for them NOT to jump but the potential jumper is oblivious. Then 'help' arrives in the form of a hero or something. They try to reason w/ the jumper but the jumper just can't get it. Then that moment comes, the camera zooms in & you see the face, the eyes & the hero stops talking & simply states: Give me your hand. They are almost pleading, just give me your hand. The jumper can finally hear, for a moment & stares @ that hand, wanting so bad to reach out & grab it but struggling w/ that feeling that it's too good to be true that there might be hope. Convinced that the ONLY way out is to JUMP! You can feel the extreme tension, your on the edge of your seat. If they just reach out & take the hand, you know they want to...but will they? You see how torn they are.

When I was experiencing a living nightmare, incredible heartbreak & confusion...where or how did I find hope?

I remember a moment...it was an incredibly hurtful event & situation. I'll spare the gory details...but I found myself in an ugly situation w/ my DH. He was acting in such a disgusting, unrecognizable manner. (it was the middle of the 'nightmare') I was screaming & insulting him, telling him how disgusting he was & how disgusted I was w/ him & his behavior. (real nice, huh?)

He stood there quiet, where previously he was mocking me & being utterly cruel & heartless.

But a thought flashed across my mind after I screamed how disgusting he was: God said to me: I know you are & I still love you. I nearly broke down right then & there in front of my DH. I looked @ him & for a flash, a split second, I could see into his heart. I could see HIS brokenness & need, his own pain. His desire & wish to make it all right, to fix it but not knowing how, thinking he was too far gone....I saw it & knew there was a part of him that longed to be back on the other side, on our side, w/ me & our family. It was only a flash, I can't explain it, but it was there.

In that split second, in the only way I could, I reached out to him verbally & said, w/ a crack in my voice: And...I would still take you back.Then as quick as I saw his longing & desperation, the self-loathing & guilt took over & the wall came up, displayed once again in anger. But it had been there, I saw it & it moved me. I knew then there was hope...if he could just recognize it & choose NOT to jump.

In that awful, overwhelming, & heartbreaking moment, I received hope. *I* grabbed onto it myself. God gave me a glimpse of His view of us. And He's there, w/ his hand out, gently asking us to take His hand. He sees into our hearts, into our souls.

I was able to recognize my own DH despair & knew there was hope for us, beyond the anger, the pain & the heartbreak.

I was moved to compassion & felt hope.

Eventually...he was able to cross over, reach out & grab *my* hand. We then stepped away from the edge of the 'roof', together.

Surprise!

So just when I was getting used to the idea of my life NOT being how I imagined or planned...God throws me a curveball! Right back where I started?

I am honest w/ God, figure he knows how I feel & what I think anyway, the good, bad AND the ugly, so might as well be forthcoming & admit it, right? I let Him know I wasn't happy about all the change that was now taking place in my life & the shattering of all MY dreams. But @ the same time, I was willing to trust HIM, in all things.

I trusted that He knew better. I chose to stop kicking & screaming & submit to His will, even if I might not like it or it seemed disappointing.

I trusted He had even greater things in store for me.

I was SO blessed to be able to go on a trip of a lifetime to Ethiopia. Hoping I would be able to go back next year....

Well, guess what? I most certainly will NOT be going back next year.

I was disappointed that it seemed my dream of having large family may never be realized. But I trusted God & gave up that 'idea'. I focused on all the positives of my life, as it is. I grieved & mourned, no doubt, of the loss of my dreams, but again, I trusted God.

I faced, what looked like, my 'new path'. Started making 'new' plans, setting new goals & new dreams....Sometimes I felt confused as to what that path really was going to look like.

But again, leaning NOT on my own understanding, but trusting on God's Word & His voice to guide me.

Then, as suddenly as I came to accept it...'it' changed!

I imagine God has such a sense of humor, possibly reserved JUST for ME! lol I'm pg! WHAT?

I finally get used to the idea of NOT being & all the positives of having self sufficient children...& BAM!

WHY? I wonder? Why go through all that grieving & mourning for what was not to be, just to have it be ANYWAY? Silly God. lol

Perhaps it was to get me to a place of being willing to submit to ALL things, IN all things.
Now, it most certainly is the WORST timing ever!
Not planned, NOT trying--& yet--here we are.

Since it IS the worst timing ever...I am forced even more to rely on my Holy one...for mercy as I know I can not get through this on my own strength or fortitude, not my own grit. I can't do it! I'm telling you. I'm warning you? Warning who? lol

Such an amazing & wonderful blessing when we are scraping by? Can-barely-afford-gas-in-our-car-to-get-to-work-to-afford-gas-in-our-car---scraping by!

Do I trust God in this? Will I? I choose too....@ this point, I feel I have no other choice, really. lol
God continues to stretch me by putting me in the most insane & uncomfortable positions that I can ONLY trust him--there is nothing else. No one else, not even myself.

He is my provider.
I am @ His mercy & I truly believe, it is right where He wants me...for whatever reason? lol
Bring on the Adventure! :-)

Venice Beach

We took out Youth Group to Venice Beach on Tuesday....We met @ the 'Dream Center'. An organization & HUGE building that is doing AMAZING work for God. They minister to homeless people, primarily youth. They take sack lunches out to Venice Beach & surrounding communities & use that as a tool to offer prayers & blessings to the hurting.

They also have a rehab center & discipleship program.

I was impressed that they use this community center to actually teach the word of God, not just do 'community service' project. kwim?

I see so many organizations get more wrapped up in the community service projects & although motivated by the grace & love of God, somehow God ends up getting lost & the focus becomes soley community service.

It's a really strange & oppressive area. All along the boardwalk are palm readers, tarot card readers, A LOT of them! People selling stones & rocks w/ 'special meanings'. iykwim.

It didn't turn out as organized as I would have preferred but it was good. A good start for the youth & I believe quite eye opening.

A guy walked by me & actually kinda hit me. That was weird. He was walking by & then purposely put his arm out, for no reason & 'clotheslined' my abdomen. I believe it was spiritually motivated as there was no reason a normal person would have invaded some one's physical space like that. kwim? It slightly hurt.

I think the youth were moved by the gratefulness of the the recipients of the lunches.

We also incorporated the 'treasure hunt' we learned. I asked the students in my car if they wanted to try it. One agreed to try. SO ds & I instructed her to pray & ask God if there was anyone specific He wanted them to meet, minister to or talk to that day...they were a little confused & doubtful but we told her to write down what God gave her anyway.

It was a bit vague so I instructed her to pray & ask God for more details, she got: 'a boy & girl together' & the color 'red'.

Then she forgot about it.
Later she was w/ a group & they were talking to a young couple. The guy kept using the word 'together' which prompted her to remember her card. She pulled it out & realized the girl was wearing mostly all black w/ a large RED icon on her shirt!!!!

God is so good. She was really excited & it was an exciting testimony to share w/ the group afterwards.

Since Ethiopia....

So many thoughts & directions to go in.

I believe I have been truly, heartfelted-ly changed since Ethiopia. How could I not be right?

But the main thing was having to really examine my life, it's value & worth & how much am I willing toactually give it up for God? We got mixed messages & warnings form people regarding going toEthiopia. Some warned us, flat out, to NOT go. That caused me to really take a hard look @ myself & ask wha I was really willing to give up & sacrifice for God. Did I trust god enough to give up my very LIFE? if asked?

Or worse, did I trust God enough to land myself in a foreign jail, a million miles away from home?Did I trust God enough to care for my family if I was gone? For 2 weeks or forever?

I put my trust in God. I figure what IS my life if NOT God's? HE is my life. I want Him to be my life & what right to I have to it if it truly belongs to God anyway?

Thn upon returning...I was able to process everything more & more each day...what those people need, what we all need, is JESUS. Plain & simple. I can dig a well, I can send a child to school, I can feed the homeless & give them dollars. BUT w/ Christ, what is tomorrow? The well will have no eternal value. Th dollar will help them for today. Ony Jesus Christ, as their personal Lord & Savior can save them provide for thier needs.

Not to discount how serving others & providing for thier physical needs is important. It can be a means to be able to share the everlasting love of Jesus Christ but it is only a tool.

What people really need is Jesus. When the child is orphaned by AIDS, what is left? When the mother dies from AIDS, what is left? When the water is gone? When the money is gone? When the education is finished...then what?

W/o Christ as a foundation & root, w/o the ROCK of Jesus Christ, ALL is lost.

But eternity is eternity & that is really ALL that matters in this life.

SO what am *I* doing that is of any eternal value?
What am I doing to make a lasting impact on my family, friends, perfect strangers i meet on the street?

This is the 'place' I am in right now. Examining all I do. It can be overwhelming & I do have to stop sometimes but my focus is changing. I am beginning to weigh each day w/ a new scale. What have I accomplished that has any lasting value? Our time is short...but the challenge is still there none the less.

Is THIS the journey?

A couple weeks go @ a morning service we've been attending regularly for about a month....2 members went around & prayed for each person, prophetically or encouragingly, however the Lord led.

When they got to me they shared a few words then also said they saw me w/ a 'backpack' going on a 'journey'. Being the type of person *I* am, I wondered if the backpack was a burden. lol

Then they prayed for JOY....but the woman came back w/ a puzzled look on her face, The Lord gave me a sword for you? The other woman said she sensed it was a rod...@ the same time we both responded that it was like a walking stick.

I had an image of myself hiking up a mountain or on a trail, w/ a back pack & a walking stick, heading towards the giant sun in the sky & once I reached the summit, was awe struck @ such an amazing view.

Another interesting point is that my Dh was not w/ me but rather off to the side w/ the ktbunch, his arms around them protectively as they were watching me.

I pondered on this for awhile, not knowing what to think....thinking the worst, of course. My DH wondered if I had a walking stick BECAUSE he was NOT w/ me...

Then....I was 'invited' to go to Ethiopia! Was that the journey we all saw as they prayed?

I can only wonder & step out on faith. It makes no logical sense. We cannot even pay our own bills but yet I am going to go on a endeavor that requires so much money. Would God really want me to fundraise for this trip while my utilities get shut off?

It all makes no sense...leaving my family, missing my 2 littles birthdays....why ME? Don't get me wrong, I truly, really want to go. I imagine it will be the adventure of a lifetime. But is it appropriate? Is this desire within me (that even DH recognizes, I've always had) sincere?

I DO realize & admit, that now, I feel like I actually have something to offer. I have learned so much in regards to my personal relationship w/ Jesus Christ...it's everything else in this world that confuses me, such as MY place in IT!

I want to share this amazing Love & Grace w/ any & all who will listen. I know I have changed & been healed & released of some oppressions I did not even realize existed. I have had a serious life transformation.

Some ways I can only vaguely describe...others are tangible, almost unbelievable. Such as...my whole life I have been very shy. I know my friends have a hard time believing this but it's true. As an adult I forced myself to learn tools to help w/ this but the root of this is basic insecurity. Worrying about what others will think of me, it's a very self-centered insecurity. Well, since my 'transformation' that shyness is literally gone!

Also I have had some pretty strong physical boundaries. I would joke about, yes. But I really did not like people touching me. I kept a fairly tight personal space boundary & had no problem letting people know about it. Even w/ women, I tolerated the 'hugs' but it was extremely uncomfortable anyway. I did allow a few I trusted into my space, such as my DH & children, but beyond them....3 FT! lol Well, I no longer feel a NEED to keep people @ bay. It no longer bothers me for people to touch me in normal, friendly fashion. Such as hugs from friends, or when people lay hands on for prayer.

It truly is amazing & unless you experience it & have lived liked this yourself, it may be hard to understand, relate to or even believe.

Then there is the compassion & peace within my household. Almost like day & night. I really think it's emanating (if that's the appropriate word) from me. As if MY changes are overflowing onto my family.

I am being challenged & learning so much. I feel like all the dots are starting to connect...why did it take me 35 years to get here?

Reborn on my Birthday?

Yesterday was my birthday & I went to a prayer meeting in the evening....a friend recommended it to me. I had been looking forward to it for weeks. All day, I kept thinking, maybe I will be reborn on my birthday. Strange thought to have but I kept having it.

I was really praying & hoping for a miracle within my life. I had been hearing & learning about generational curses & prayers for it. God had revealed to me some generational patterns within my life & family, so I was really interested in being set free from all this madness.

Dh agreed to go w/ me. The people were nice....I will cut to the chase but it was a long night. Towards the end of the evening, they were praying w/ me & leading me through various prayers & there was a part where the pastor was guiding me to picture or imagine my birth. Part of me thought it was hokey but I was willing to try anything @ this point & hope for some real change in my life.

I could picture my birth but it was form a viewers perspective, like from the outside looking in...the pastor asked me if Jesus was there, yes he was. The amazing part was how my perspective changed....I could feel like God was asking me to choose, Jesus had his hands out & I was thinking, I am an infant, i can't choose....I can't even move. lol Then my perspective changed & I was no longer an outsider looking in, viewing the scene, I was looking up @ Christ from myself as a baby. I chose to look up at him. I did it.

Then I felt myself get panicky: asking him to take me w/ him. Then he responded: My daughter, I am not going anywhere.

Interesting but lately when I hear the Lord speaking to me, he addresses me as 'my daughter', not by name or anything else, but 'my daughter'.

And I think I wrote about an image I had a few weeks ago of Christ lifting me up then holding me as a little girl. Well I had that image again but there were more little girls around. Christ was holding me but my mother & grandmother were both there as little girls, standing around him.

I think there are so many things that happen to us, wound us, when we are little that stay w/ us our entire lives, and we are not even aware of it. but Christ is right there w/ us & He can heal, cleanse & free us from those deep hurts, whatever they may be.

Afterwards, I just felt so light & free. Words do not adequately describe the feeling but I know it was real & I wish everyone would do it. I feel like a lifetime of oppression is gone from my life & my children's lives. I have a strong hope for the future w/o dread or fear.

I can't really explain it but it's different. I know my entire life has been changed...for the better.

God Knows...

I read & prayed these verses to the Lord last night:

Psalm 55

1 Listen to my prayer, O God,
do not ignore my plea;
hear me and answer me.
2 My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught...

4 My heart is in anguish within me;
terrors of death assail me.
Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.
6 I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest--
7 I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
8 I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and the storm.

12 If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were raising himself against me,
I could hide from him.
13 But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

16 But I call to God,and the Lord saves me,
17 Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress,and he hears my voice.

20 My companion attacks his friends;
he violates his covenant.
21 his speech is smooth as butter,
yet war is in his heart;
his words are more soothing than oil
but they are drawn swords.
22 Cast your cares on the Lord
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall.

The chapter ends w:
But as for me, I trust in you.