God Knows...

I read & prayed these verses to the Lord last night:

Psalm 55

1 Listen to my prayer, O God,
do not ignore my plea;
hear me and answer me.
2 My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught...

4 My heart is in anguish within me;
terrors of death assail me.
Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.
6 I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest--
7 I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
8 I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and the storm.

12 If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were raising himself against me,
I could hide from him.
13 But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

16 But I call to God,and the Lord saves me,
17 Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress,and he hears my voice.

20 My companion attacks his friends;
he violates his covenant.
21 his speech is smooth as butter,
yet war is in his heart;
his words are more soothing than oil
but they are drawn swords.
22 Cast your cares on the Lord
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall.

The chapter ends w:
But as for me, I trust in you.

Deep Roots

I've been specifically praying (for a few things) but particularly for God to reveal to me any roots I have within myself. Especially as we were going through the FAST, for the month of February, w/ the theme of "Breakthrough"....

And I'm realizing that even though I'm 34 years old...there are things buried deep inside, I wasn't even aware existed...or had had any affect on my life.

But they are there. hurts? wounds? disappointments?

So now, I am on this mini-journey for what? To face it if nothing more.

That is the first step, to face these things head on. The things that shaped me, go through the doors, break down the walls & see what happens.

It might be painful. I suspect it will be. Ok, I think I'm pretty sure it WILL be.

The main thing is, I realize that this junk between E & I, the real pain I felt, really has nothing to do w/ him, if that makes sense...it's deeper than that. Farther back, before him even.

Why God wants me to acknowledge it, I don't even know. I don't know what the point even is...but I suspect it may be.......freedom.

Still giving up!

Going through this nightmare, God has shown me so much about myself. How much I still try to control HIM!

How much I still need to give up my idea of control & having this life & treating this life as MY own. My life belongs to God, I believe, to glorify God. Not myself.

I am truly learning more what this 'deny yourself' really means. I can't say I am particularly enthralled w/ the idea, because basically, *I* want what *I* want.

What *I* want are not bad things. They are not even necessarily selfish things...but they are what *I* want. God is asking me, more & more to surrender what *I* want....for what HE wants for me.

How tightly I hold onto what *I* want. I can't even attain what *I* want lest God allows it but I hold on, cross my arms, pout &stamp my foot while wailing: but I waaaaant IT!

I cry out. God knows my grief. And it IS grief. To let go of plans, hopes, dreams. But I choose to trust fully in God's word. I choose to believe him when he said in Jer 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you, not to harm you or to hurt you but to give you a future & a hope.

I have comfort that God will have a greater plan, a greater dream for my life. It is no easy task to LET GO. Let go of ALL your dreams. Let go of what you THOUGHT your life was going to look like.

I think letting go also includes a bit of holding on---holding on to disappointment & grief. but not forever. yes, acknowledgement is ok. God knows our disappointment. It is a disappointment. But the hope comes from trusting that God has something better in store that will surpass any disappointment & sacrifice of things not going my way.

And He also has the power to resurrect my hopes & dreams. It is in his time. but the point is to let God decide my future. Am I willing to forgo my ideal? my idea of happiness? My idea of future? My idea of hope? My dreams?

And for what? To let go my ideas for the unknown?

I know I can do it. But will i? yes, I am willing. After crying over what is lost....for what I believe was taken & stolen from me, I heard God ask me, Are you WILLING to GIVE it away?

Am I willing to GIVE away my hopes & dreams for whatever God asks of me? For what God has in store for me? Am I willing to GIVE it ALL away, though it may never be what I imagined? for the unknown?

I am & I am.

It is a choice. I realize that many of these things I am grieving losing, I feel like my life has been STOLEN from me, God asks if I am willing to GIVE away of my own free will as opposed to seeing these things as stolen against my will.

If I am giving it away, what loss is then experienced? What grief? Is there loss in the giving or only in the being stolen from?

My grief can then be replaced by gladness in the offering I am sacrificing to my Lord.

hmmm...I hadn't even begun to see it that way before.

My grief can be replaced by gladness