Time to get *Anchored*

I've prayed in the past for various people, family members & for myself, to build a firm foundation in Christ & Christ alone.

But you know what? The foundation has already been there, since I was a child. I may have strayed from the blue prints @ times, but the foundation was always there & enabled me to return to the original plan.

Now, though, forget the foundation. It's time to ANCHOR ourselves to the Lord.

We need to secure ourselves to Him so that we won't be swayed by the shifting winds & stormy seas. We need to securely fasten ourselves to our Lord, Jesus Christ.

That has become my new prayer. The foundation is there. We *know* the core & basics of our faith...but what are we doing w/ it? Are we swaying when times get tough? Are we shifting course left & right, searching for comfort or a new direction?

It's time to settle in! To be firm & in place. Nothing can hold us firmer than the anchor of the Lord. He is our rock. Only w/ an anchor will we never be swayed to & fro.

Only if we cling w/ everything we have, to Him & Him alone will we remain steadfast & unshaken during the storms.

My prayers have moved beyond now....I am now praying for myself, my family to be securely *anchored* to the Lord.

It's ALL Gonna Burn!

CA has been experiencing wildfires recently. Combined w/ a statewide drought & dry weather, & it's out of control, causing millions if not more, in damages to homes & irreplaceable forests & wildlife.

Ash is raining down on everything in my neighborhood. Our chests are tight & it's hard to breathe.

But you know what? It's quite an object lesson. *Everything* we have, own & hold dear to us, materially speaking, is gonna burn in the end. There is nothing on this Earth that we can take w/ us. Not even relationships.

What are we doing or producing that will have any eternal effect? kwim?

There is only *one* thing that will last & that is a relationship w/ Jesus Christ, our savior. Are we reproducing that? Are we sharing that opportunity w/ others? Consistently?

All our wordly goods, though enjoyable, really mean nothing, in the grand scheme of things. And all the actions, everything we *do* will be tested & judged @ that time when it is passed through the fire. What will we have to offer? What will we have to show for our time here?

A collection of items? A closet of clothes? Knick knacks? Books?

Or have we loved as Christ loves? Have we given as Christ has given? Have we sacrificed as Christ sacrificed? Have we served the poor? Helped the needy? Cared for the widows & orphans?

Or will our lives go through that fire & produce nothing but grey ash & dust?

The World is flipping out!

There is madness all around me, seriously. People are upset over the election & hate is rising up. The economy is dying, globally. Something is really in the air..although yesterday it was really windy & that felt like it cleansed a bit.

I can clearly see faithful Christians being attacked on every side, in bizarre ways.
H losing jobs, families going on public assistance, mothers becoming very ill, finances a wreck, appliances going kaput...& yet God provides.

Is it a test or the enemy on the prowl?

Things just feel different.
I don't know if I can explain what is in my heart & what I'm sensing around me....but it's time to really take stock of our lives, examine who we are & what we're doing---in & for Christ.
Are we really living as Christ has called us to live?

Cause times are going to get harder around us & we need to be prepared
I have more to say about this but my mind is tired right now, more later.

Manna

Last week I led the study for our youth group. It was on the chapter in Exodus when God first introduces Manna to the Israelites.

i am familiar w/ this story, I understand it is about God's provision.
What I wanted to focus on & what I got out of it, reading it this time was something new.

When the Israelites received the manna, the first thing they said was: What is it? That is actually, literally what the word manna means: What is it. It was something they had never seen before.

I am sure the Israelites had an idea of HOW they wanted God to provide for them. I believe they had a familiar idea. What God provided was not familiar though.

It was new & strange & His provision had some 'strings' attached, you might say. It was only there in the morning, by noon it melted away. If they tried to take care of themselves, by gathering more than was needed for the day, the manna rotted & became filled w/ maggots. Lovely.

I think the disciples also had a preconceived idea of how Jesus was going to 'save' them. And although they physically walked w/ Jesus & he warned them, I still think they were surprised how everything went down in the end. Their God, Jesus was DEAD! Not in a coma, not sleeping, but D.E.A.D dead!

Yet, Christ's death was God's perfect provision for us. He knew that it was the only provision that would really work & provide the perfect atonement & sacrifice for our sins, the only way for us to spend eternity w/ Him.

Now, in our lives, we often go to God w/ our needs & I'm sure we have an idea in our head of how that need should get met. Are we willing to accept the way God meets our need? Especially if it looks so different from what we have in mind? If it is so UNfamiliar? Do we trust God that He will meet our needs, provide for us, in the BEST way possible?

That was the challenge. God promises to provide for us....but it may not look like any 'provision' we've ever imagined....but it will be the BEST!

Hope in Crisis

It's that scene you see in movies sometimes...there is a character, @ the top of a building, about to JUMP & end their life. People are looking up in horror screaming for them NOT to jump but the potential jumper is oblivious. Then 'help' arrives in the form of a hero or something. They try to reason w/ the jumper but the jumper just can't get it. Then that moment comes, the camera zooms in & you see the face, the eyes & the hero stops talking & simply states: Give me your hand. They are almost pleading, just give me your hand. The jumper can finally hear, for a moment & stares @ that hand, wanting so bad to reach out & grab it but struggling w/ that feeling that it's too good to be true that there might be hope. Convinced that the ONLY way out is to JUMP! You can feel the extreme tension, your on the edge of your seat. If they just reach out & take the hand, you know they want to...but will they? You see how torn they are.

When I was experiencing a living nightmare, incredible heartbreak & confusion...where or how did I find hope?

I remember a moment...it was an incredibly hurtful event & situation. I'll spare the gory details...but I found myself in an ugly situation w/ my DH. He was acting in such a disgusting, unrecognizable manner. (it was the middle of the 'nightmare') I was screaming & insulting him, telling him how disgusting he was & how disgusted I was w/ him & his behavior. (real nice, huh?)

He stood there quiet, where previously he was mocking me & being utterly cruel & heartless.

But a thought flashed across my mind after I screamed how disgusting he was: God said to me: I know you are & I still love you. I nearly broke down right then & there in front of my DH. I looked @ him & for a flash, a split second, I could see into his heart. I could see HIS brokenness & need, his own pain. His desire & wish to make it all right, to fix it but not knowing how, thinking he was too far gone....I saw it & knew there was a part of him that longed to be back on the other side, on our side, w/ me & our family. It was only a flash, I can't explain it, but it was there.

In that split second, in the only way I could, I reached out to him verbally & said, w/ a crack in my voice: And...I would still take you back.Then as quick as I saw his longing & desperation, the self-loathing & guilt took over & the wall came up, displayed once again in anger. But it had been there, I saw it & it moved me. I knew then there was hope...if he could just recognize it & choose NOT to jump.

In that awful, overwhelming, & heartbreaking moment, I received hope. *I* grabbed onto it myself. God gave me a glimpse of His view of us. And He's there, w/ his hand out, gently asking us to take His hand. He sees into our hearts, into our souls.

I was able to recognize my own DH despair & knew there was hope for us, beyond the anger, the pain & the heartbreak.

I was moved to compassion & felt hope.

Eventually...he was able to cross over, reach out & grab *my* hand. We then stepped away from the edge of the 'roof', together.

Surprise!

So just when I was getting used to the idea of my life NOT being how I imagined or planned...God throws me a curveball! Right back where I started?

I am honest w/ God, figure he knows how I feel & what I think anyway, the good, bad AND the ugly, so might as well be forthcoming & admit it, right? I let Him know I wasn't happy about all the change that was now taking place in my life & the shattering of all MY dreams. But @ the same time, I was willing to trust HIM, in all things.

I trusted that He knew better. I chose to stop kicking & screaming & submit to His will, even if I might not like it or it seemed disappointing.

I trusted He had even greater things in store for me.

I was SO blessed to be able to go on a trip of a lifetime to Ethiopia. Hoping I would be able to go back next year....

Well, guess what? I most certainly will NOT be going back next year.

I was disappointed that it seemed my dream of having large family may never be realized. But I trusted God & gave up that 'idea'. I focused on all the positives of my life, as it is. I grieved & mourned, no doubt, of the loss of my dreams, but again, I trusted God.

I faced, what looked like, my 'new path'. Started making 'new' plans, setting new goals & new dreams....Sometimes I felt confused as to what that path really was going to look like.

But again, leaning NOT on my own understanding, but trusting on God's Word & His voice to guide me.

Then, as suddenly as I came to accept it...'it' changed!

I imagine God has such a sense of humor, possibly reserved JUST for ME! lol I'm pg! WHAT?

I finally get used to the idea of NOT being & all the positives of having self sufficient children...& BAM!

WHY? I wonder? Why go through all that grieving & mourning for what was not to be, just to have it be ANYWAY? Silly God. lol

Perhaps it was to get me to a place of being willing to submit to ALL things, IN all things.
Now, it most certainly is the WORST timing ever!
Not planned, NOT trying--& yet--here we are.

Since it IS the worst timing ever...I am forced even more to rely on my Holy one...for mercy as I know I can not get through this on my own strength or fortitude, not my own grit. I can't do it! I'm telling you. I'm warning you? Warning who? lol

Such an amazing & wonderful blessing when we are scraping by? Can-barely-afford-gas-in-our-car-to-get-to-work-to-afford-gas-in-our-car---scraping by!

Do I trust God in this? Will I? I choose too....@ this point, I feel I have no other choice, really. lol
God continues to stretch me by putting me in the most insane & uncomfortable positions that I can ONLY trust him--there is nothing else. No one else, not even myself.

He is my provider.
I am @ His mercy & I truly believe, it is right where He wants me...for whatever reason? lol
Bring on the Adventure! :-)

Venice Beach

We took out Youth Group to Venice Beach on Tuesday....We met @ the 'Dream Center'. An organization & HUGE building that is doing AMAZING work for God. They minister to homeless people, primarily youth. They take sack lunches out to Venice Beach & surrounding communities & use that as a tool to offer prayers & blessings to the hurting.

They also have a rehab center & discipleship program.

I was impressed that they use this community center to actually teach the word of God, not just do 'community service' project. kwim?

I see so many organizations get more wrapped up in the community service projects & although motivated by the grace & love of God, somehow God ends up getting lost & the focus becomes soley community service.

It's a really strange & oppressive area. All along the boardwalk are palm readers, tarot card readers, A LOT of them! People selling stones & rocks w/ 'special meanings'. iykwim.

It didn't turn out as organized as I would have preferred but it was good. A good start for the youth & I believe quite eye opening.

A guy walked by me & actually kinda hit me. That was weird. He was walking by & then purposely put his arm out, for no reason & 'clotheslined' my abdomen. I believe it was spiritually motivated as there was no reason a normal person would have invaded some one's physical space like that. kwim? It slightly hurt.

I think the youth were moved by the gratefulness of the the recipients of the lunches.

We also incorporated the 'treasure hunt' we learned. I asked the students in my car if they wanted to try it. One agreed to try. SO ds & I instructed her to pray & ask God if there was anyone specific He wanted them to meet, minister to or talk to that day...they were a little confused & doubtful but we told her to write down what God gave her anyway.

It was a bit vague so I instructed her to pray & ask God for more details, she got: 'a boy & girl together' & the color 'red'.

Then she forgot about it.
Later she was w/ a group & they were talking to a young couple. The guy kept using the word 'together' which prompted her to remember her card. She pulled it out & realized the girl was wearing mostly all black w/ a large RED icon on her shirt!!!!

God is so good. She was really excited & it was an exciting testimony to share w/ the group afterwards.

Since Ethiopia....

So many thoughts & directions to go in.

I believe I have been truly, heartfelted-ly changed since Ethiopia. How could I not be right?

But the main thing was having to really examine my life, it's value & worth & how much am I willing toactually give it up for God? We got mixed messages & warnings form people regarding going toEthiopia. Some warned us, flat out, to NOT go. That caused me to really take a hard look @ myself & ask wha I was really willing to give up & sacrifice for God. Did I trust god enough to give up my very LIFE? if asked?

Or worse, did I trust God enough to land myself in a foreign jail, a million miles away from home?Did I trust God enough to care for my family if I was gone? For 2 weeks or forever?

I put my trust in God. I figure what IS my life if NOT God's? HE is my life. I want Him to be my life & what right to I have to it if it truly belongs to God anyway?

Thn upon returning...I was able to process everything more & more each day...what those people need, what we all need, is JESUS. Plain & simple. I can dig a well, I can send a child to school, I can feed the homeless & give them dollars. BUT w/ Christ, what is tomorrow? The well will have no eternal value. Th dollar will help them for today. Ony Jesus Christ, as their personal Lord & Savior can save them provide for thier needs.

Not to discount how serving others & providing for thier physical needs is important. It can be a means to be able to share the everlasting love of Jesus Christ but it is only a tool.

What people really need is Jesus. When the child is orphaned by AIDS, what is left? When the mother dies from AIDS, what is left? When the water is gone? When the money is gone? When the education is finished...then what?

W/o Christ as a foundation & root, w/o the ROCK of Jesus Christ, ALL is lost.

But eternity is eternity & that is really ALL that matters in this life.

SO what am *I* doing that is of any eternal value?
What am I doing to make a lasting impact on my family, friends, perfect strangers i meet on the street?

This is the 'place' I am in right now. Examining all I do. It can be overwhelming & I do have to stop sometimes but my focus is changing. I am beginning to weigh each day w/ a new scale. What have I accomplished that has any lasting value? Our time is short...but the challenge is still there none the less.

Is THIS the journey?

A couple weeks go @ a morning service we've been attending regularly for about a month....2 members went around & prayed for each person, prophetically or encouragingly, however the Lord led.

When they got to me they shared a few words then also said they saw me w/ a 'backpack' going on a 'journey'. Being the type of person *I* am, I wondered if the backpack was a burden. lol

Then they prayed for JOY....but the woman came back w/ a puzzled look on her face, The Lord gave me a sword for you? The other woman said she sensed it was a rod...@ the same time we both responded that it was like a walking stick.

I had an image of myself hiking up a mountain or on a trail, w/ a back pack & a walking stick, heading towards the giant sun in the sky & once I reached the summit, was awe struck @ such an amazing view.

Another interesting point is that my Dh was not w/ me but rather off to the side w/ the ktbunch, his arms around them protectively as they were watching me.

I pondered on this for awhile, not knowing what to think....thinking the worst, of course. My DH wondered if I had a walking stick BECAUSE he was NOT w/ me...

Then....I was 'invited' to go to Ethiopia! Was that the journey we all saw as they prayed?

I can only wonder & step out on faith. It makes no logical sense. We cannot even pay our own bills but yet I am going to go on a endeavor that requires so much money. Would God really want me to fundraise for this trip while my utilities get shut off?

It all makes no sense...leaving my family, missing my 2 littles birthdays....why ME? Don't get me wrong, I truly, really want to go. I imagine it will be the adventure of a lifetime. But is it appropriate? Is this desire within me (that even DH recognizes, I've always had) sincere?

I DO realize & admit, that now, I feel like I actually have something to offer. I have learned so much in regards to my personal relationship w/ Jesus Christ...it's everything else in this world that confuses me, such as MY place in IT!

I want to share this amazing Love & Grace w/ any & all who will listen. I know I have changed & been healed & released of some oppressions I did not even realize existed. I have had a serious life transformation.

Some ways I can only vaguely describe...others are tangible, almost unbelievable. Such as...my whole life I have been very shy. I know my friends have a hard time believing this but it's true. As an adult I forced myself to learn tools to help w/ this but the root of this is basic insecurity. Worrying about what others will think of me, it's a very self-centered insecurity. Well, since my 'transformation' that shyness is literally gone!

Also I have had some pretty strong physical boundaries. I would joke about, yes. But I really did not like people touching me. I kept a fairly tight personal space boundary & had no problem letting people know about it. Even w/ women, I tolerated the 'hugs' but it was extremely uncomfortable anyway. I did allow a few I trusted into my space, such as my DH & children, but beyond them....3 FT! lol Well, I no longer feel a NEED to keep people @ bay. It no longer bothers me for people to touch me in normal, friendly fashion. Such as hugs from friends, or when people lay hands on for prayer.

It truly is amazing & unless you experience it & have lived liked this yourself, it may be hard to understand, relate to or even believe.

Then there is the compassion & peace within my household. Almost like day & night. I really think it's emanating (if that's the appropriate word) from me. As if MY changes are overflowing onto my family.

I am being challenged & learning so much. I feel like all the dots are starting to connect...why did it take me 35 years to get here?

Reborn on my Birthday?

Yesterday was my birthday & I went to a prayer meeting in the evening....a friend recommended it to me. I had been looking forward to it for weeks. All day, I kept thinking, maybe I will be reborn on my birthday. Strange thought to have but I kept having it.

I was really praying & hoping for a miracle within my life. I had been hearing & learning about generational curses & prayers for it. God had revealed to me some generational patterns within my life & family, so I was really interested in being set free from all this madness.

Dh agreed to go w/ me. The people were nice....I will cut to the chase but it was a long night. Towards the end of the evening, they were praying w/ me & leading me through various prayers & there was a part where the pastor was guiding me to picture or imagine my birth. Part of me thought it was hokey but I was willing to try anything @ this point & hope for some real change in my life.

I could picture my birth but it was form a viewers perspective, like from the outside looking in...the pastor asked me if Jesus was there, yes he was. The amazing part was how my perspective changed....I could feel like God was asking me to choose, Jesus had his hands out & I was thinking, I am an infant, i can't choose....I can't even move. lol Then my perspective changed & I was no longer an outsider looking in, viewing the scene, I was looking up @ Christ from myself as a baby. I chose to look up at him. I did it.

Then I felt myself get panicky: asking him to take me w/ him. Then he responded: My daughter, I am not going anywhere.

Interesting but lately when I hear the Lord speaking to me, he addresses me as 'my daughter', not by name or anything else, but 'my daughter'.

And I think I wrote about an image I had a few weeks ago of Christ lifting me up then holding me as a little girl. Well I had that image again but there were more little girls around. Christ was holding me but my mother & grandmother were both there as little girls, standing around him.

I think there are so many things that happen to us, wound us, when we are little that stay w/ us our entire lives, and we are not even aware of it. but Christ is right there w/ us & He can heal, cleanse & free us from those deep hurts, whatever they may be.

Afterwards, I just felt so light & free. Words do not adequately describe the feeling but I know it was real & I wish everyone would do it. I feel like a lifetime of oppression is gone from my life & my children's lives. I have a strong hope for the future w/o dread or fear.

I can't really explain it but it's different. I know my entire life has been changed...for the better.

God Knows...

I read & prayed these verses to the Lord last night:

Psalm 55

1 Listen to my prayer, O God,
do not ignore my plea;
hear me and answer me.
2 My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught...

4 My heart is in anguish within me;
terrors of death assail me.
Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.
6 I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest--
7 I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
8 I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and the storm.

12 If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were raising himself against me,
I could hide from him.
13 But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

16 But I call to God,and the Lord saves me,
17 Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress,and he hears my voice.

20 My companion attacks his friends;
he violates his covenant.
21 his speech is smooth as butter,
yet war is in his heart;
his words are more soothing than oil
but they are drawn swords.
22 Cast your cares on the Lord
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall.

The chapter ends w:
But as for me, I trust in you.

Deep Roots

I've been specifically praying (for a few things) but particularly for God to reveal to me any roots I have within myself. Especially as we were going through the FAST, for the month of February, w/ the theme of "Breakthrough"....

And I'm realizing that even though I'm 34 years old...there are things buried deep inside, I wasn't even aware existed...or had had any affect on my life.

But they are there. hurts? wounds? disappointments?

So now, I am on this mini-journey for what? To face it if nothing more.

That is the first step, to face these things head on. The things that shaped me, go through the doors, break down the walls & see what happens.

It might be painful. I suspect it will be. Ok, I think I'm pretty sure it WILL be.

The main thing is, I realize that this junk between E & I, the real pain I felt, really has nothing to do w/ him, if that makes sense...it's deeper than that. Farther back, before him even.

Why God wants me to acknowledge it, I don't even know. I don't know what the point even is...but I suspect it may be.......freedom.

Still giving up!

Going through this nightmare, God has shown me so much about myself. How much I still try to control HIM!

How much I still need to give up my idea of control & having this life & treating this life as MY own. My life belongs to God, I believe, to glorify God. Not myself.

I am truly learning more what this 'deny yourself' really means. I can't say I am particularly enthralled w/ the idea, because basically, *I* want what *I* want.

What *I* want are not bad things. They are not even necessarily selfish things...but they are what *I* want. God is asking me, more & more to surrender what *I* want....for what HE wants for me.

How tightly I hold onto what *I* want. I can't even attain what *I* want lest God allows it but I hold on, cross my arms, pout &stamp my foot while wailing: but I waaaaant IT!

I cry out. God knows my grief. And it IS grief. To let go of plans, hopes, dreams. But I choose to trust fully in God's word. I choose to believe him when he said in Jer 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you, not to harm you or to hurt you but to give you a future & a hope.

I have comfort that God will have a greater plan, a greater dream for my life. It is no easy task to LET GO. Let go of ALL your dreams. Let go of what you THOUGHT your life was going to look like.

I think letting go also includes a bit of holding on---holding on to disappointment & grief. but not forever. yes, acknowledgement is ok. God knows our disappointment. It is a disappointment. But the hope comes from trusting that God has something better in store that will surpass any disappointment & sacrifice of things not going my way.

And He also has the power to resurrect my hopes & dreams. It is in his time. but the point is to let God decide my future. Am I willing to forgo my ideal? my idea of happiness? My idea of future? My idea of hope? My dreams?

And for what? To let go my ideas for the unknown?

I know I can do it. But will i? yes, I am willing. After crying over what is lost....for what I believe was taken & stolen from me, I heard God ask me, Are you WILLING to GIVE it away?

Am I willing to GIVE away my hopes & dreams for whatever God asks of me? For what God has in store for me? Am I willing to GIVE it ALL away, though it may never be what I imagined? for the unknown?

I am & I am.

It is a choice. I realize that many of these things I am grieving losing, I feel like my life has been STOLEN from me, God asks if I am willing to GIVE away of my own free will as opposed to seeing these things as stolen against my will.

If I am giving it away, what loss is then experienced? What grief? Is there loss in the giving or only in the being stolen from?

My grief can then be replaced by gladness in the offering I am sacrificing to my Lord.

hmmm...I hadn't even begun to see it that way before.

My grief can be replaced by gladness

Night of Prayer & Worship

Tonight was designated as our Night of Prayer & Worship, as we came together to break our fast.

During a major portion of prayer & worship we were challenged to to sit quietly & allow God to speak to us.

One particular moment we were told to imagine our sins going into Jesus wounds upon the cross. I sat & waited. I was praying for God to remove the deep roots within my heart that needed to be broken through & removed. I could see myself @ the foot of the cross. I feel like there is nothing but ugliness within me. I HAVE to get all of this 'bad stuff' out of me. I begin to wretch & vomit. Everything within me that is debase, disgusting & gross comes out. My heart is torn open & the disgustingness is flowing out of me w/ vomitroscious force.

The vomit is shooting up to Jesus, it becomes the nails in his hands, the spear in his side, the vomit is shooting into his open, fleshy wounds. The vomit, my vomit is causing his wounds. But then....as his wounds are gaping & bleeding...His blood is pouring out, onto me, covering me, dripping over me starting from my head.

As His blood pours over me, I am emerging as this beautiful creature. The blood is transforming me from disgusting to radiant. My vomit causes his wounds, which cause his blood, which cleanses & purifies me.

Later as I went to the 'altar' to kneel before the Lord, initially I was praying, then I stopped & just knelt there.

Again, I imagined myself @ the feet of Jesus. Nothing out of the ordinary, just me, as I am today, kneeling @ His feet. I feel him lift my face up towards Him as he says w/ gentle care, My daughter, lifting me up to my feet but as I rise, I am a young girl, lifted into her Father's arms & he is holding me. I see a young girl, in a ruffled skirt, two pig tails, one on each side of her head, folded white ruffled socks & shiny black maryjane shoes. Her face is nestled into his neck, her legs wrapped around his waist. he can't help but hug her as he holds her. As he holds ME.

I could FEEL this & it overwhelmed me. I began to get teary eyed but smile as Jesus touched me personally within my heart & very soul. I felt like.....??? Jesus was reaching to & revealing that hurt little girl inside of me. Although i am no longer a little girl, but a grown woman, HE still cares about the wounds of that little girl. He is here to love & care for that little girl, still.

Then I felt an urgent need to pray for my own 5.5yo dd, that she NEVER feel that pain of rejection & abandonement as a child that can plague her through out her life.

I'm still here...

I've learned so much these past few months.
I can't even believe it's been 3.5 mos since the 'nightmare', but it has.

The joy that this fills me w/ is so peaceful.

I am still growing every day in my relationship w/ Christ, my Savior.

I've gone from feeling utterly dejected, rejected, worthless & disposable, to realizing my value IN CHRIST. I have been even more reassured of how much my life DOES mean to Christ. He cried w/ me, ached w/ me & rejoiced w/ me @ each tiny triumph & victory.

All the while, showing me that HE was in control.

My marraige did not restore itself, neither did things take such a drastic turn by any will of mine. Over & over again, God showed me how totally impossible this situation was & yet...?? Here we are. Together again.

We are doing a 28 day fast, @ church. I am fasting sugar & sweet desserts. It's been harder than I thought it would be. I am excited to see what God is going to do within this month. I am excited to see the 'breakthroughs' that will happen.

Personally, it's been a real challenge, to NOT feel like I HAVE to take care of myself. I know I've been disappointed so many times & have this underlying feeling that I will NOT be taken care of by anyone, therefore I can only depend on myself. I want to release that & fully rely on God. I can do it sometimes & I've seen him woork in amazing & unbelieveable ways....but can I release EVERYTHING when I have the option to DO something?

That is where I am right now.

On day ONE of fasting, DH lost his job.....he doesn't have a repalcement yet. Only 18 more days & our rent is due again. What will I do then? Can I relase all ideas of 'control' & give this all to God?

It's a challenge to be sure.

I am excited to see what God is going to do.

As of today, I feel I am prepared for whatever God has in mind...maybe we will be 'camping' come this time next month. I have NO idea. But I am ready to embrace the adventure. @ least I THINK I am. lol

How do I FEEL?

My body wracks & heaves
Is it possible to vomit up a lung
My chest aches
I imagine any minute now my heart will burst out of my chest

I am doubled over in unimaginable pain
Pain I can't really feel but it is there
Tears flow freely as the screams & cries of sorrow are silent

Does God hear me?
Does He know how I feel?
Does He know how much my SOUL aches
the heaviness in my chest that weighs me down

I think I am going to die from sorrow
How much can a human soul really take
I pray & scream & cry out

I am begging
I can't get any lower
please make it stop
GOD!

I imagine He must know
but why then does He allow this to continue
For what purpose

I imagine He feels what I feel
How can He take it
How can anyone ever go through this
How did they survive

Am I the only weak one
Will this kill me
what can I do

Is there a way to stop it
I think not
Can I disappear

Depths of pain and sorrow
run deep
deeper than I've ever known
Release me

another night I cry myself to sleep

Never Alone

Never Alone

I waited for you today

But you didn't show

No no.

I needed you today

So where did you go?

You told me to call

Said you'd be there

And though I haven't seen you

Are you still there?

Chorus

I cried out with no reply

And I can't feel you by my side

So I'll hold tight to what I know

You're here and I'm never alone

And though I cannot see you

And I can't explain why

Such a deep reassurance

You've placed in my life.

We cannot separate

'Cause you're part of me.

And though you're invisible

I'll trust the unseen.

Chorus

The first time I heard this song....all the 'religious mental tapes' ran through my head. I thought; "how dare they sing that God isn't there...He's always there for us, everyone knows that, every good Christian knows that." Right?

But I was drawn to the song...I continued to listen to it over & over....it is pretty much exactly how I think & feel. I don't 'feel' God, I don't really 'see' God. But somehow I do know that He is real. I have seen Him work in my life. I can attest to that.

But for me, it is not a feeling. That goes along w/ my basic personality as well. Not much of a feeler anyway, not very emotional.

I love how honest this song is. Many people testify to feel God & see Him, to know him so personally in ways I've never experienced. I've often wondered if there was something wrong w/ me. I can easily get caught up in the lingo to be sure I sound like an authentic & good Christian.

Lately, I've gone to the other end.....more of that raw honesty w/ God. I've realized...He can handle it. I've noticed more and more people are thinking the same way. It's ok to be angry @ God, ok to question Him. I think God desires our whole heart, body, mind & soul & that includes the good bad and the ugly. He really can handle it.

For so long I couldn't be honest. I thought I had to be a certain way, always the 'right way'. I'm not talking about righteousness. I am referring to saying the right things, acting like you got everything under control, you are ok, doing fine ect. You are a "good Christian".

Even w/ my questions, as this song describes, I still know, deep in my heart that God is always w/ me. I know He is real....even if I can't see or fell Him. My experience, though, may not always look like the next Christian's....or maybe it actually does.

It takes Faith to DIE.

It seems to me that the moment that takes the most faith is not always to LIVE a "Christian Life" but rather to DIE one.

As we live, there are people to tell us things will get better, we can hear assurances from God, gain encouragement & wisdom from those who may have experienced what we have, when times are rough. It gives us comfort, calm & peace.

But as that moment of death approaches, NO ONE can tell us what lay on the 'other side'. No one IRL has returned to say, "I've been there." or "This is what you will experience." Only Christ, whom we have not met in his human form!

You must step over, alone, to face whatever will come.

Yes, God is w/ you. But that is my point, only YOU, alone, can have your death.

You must take it on Faith that everything you have read in God's Word, all you have been taught & professed to believe, are TRUE.

We don't always know our time is near. Many die unexpected deaths every second...some are blessed to have an 'idea' that the end is nearer than it was yesterday, as in the case of a terminal illness. I don't know how much control the human soul has either of releasing thier spirit....but in those cases, where death is iminent & it's coming is known....would you have the faith to DIE?

Would I?

I think it might be the ultimate 'test'. Will I be willing to submissively give my LIFE over to the unknown, based only a words of promise? Can I do it?

It does not need to wait until I KNOW I am dyING. AM I willing to have that mad faith even now? DO I?

It is one thing to profess faith when we are living our life as we have 'chosen'. Even if I am praying for "God's will" in my life daily....am I willing to pray for God's will to my DEATH?

Am I willing to DIE? Do I have the faith to Die, right now? Or can I profess Faith ONLY because I don't really believe I might die tomorrow.

I think it is in the distant future. Sure, I will die 'someday'. Am I willing to turn my body over to Christ fully as one who would accept a death sentence tomorrow? or today? Am I ready RIGHT NOW? Would I be @ peace w/ mortal news?

OR would I say...sure BUT I'd be sad for my children, family...sure BUT there is so much more I want to do...sure BUT I need to plan, prepare...sure BUT I need to get things in order...sure BUT...sure BUT...sure BUT...

There is no BUT. Either I am or I am not.

Because if God was calling me RIGHT THIS moment or 6 mos from now...do I not believe GOD, in His infinite wisdom, would take care of my family, would consider my 'work' here done, would expect me to already be prepared? OR would I fight, would I resist, hold on, be afraid because *I* am not ready because I actually doubt what is written in God's word?

I think it takes ALOT of faith to DIE. You must trust, as fully as never before, that God's Word is true. I do believe it is the ultimate test of Faith.

I hope I can pass that test when the time comes.

At least you have your Faith.....

WHAT does that mean?

I have heard it a few times, a few different variations, regarding my mom's death. SO because I have some 'faith' it is less painful? Easier to deal w/? I have some special power that should expediate my grief?

I will say that because I do have 'my faith' I do take comfort knowing that my mom (& my grandmother) are both w/ the Lord right now, truly & honestly. I know they had a personal relationship w/ Jesus Christ.

BUT that does not alleviate my missing them, especially my mom. It does not alleviate the tears or the emptiness. I don't get a free pass on grief cause I have 'my faith'. kwim?

And if those w/o faith believe that, then what do they have to look forward to when someone they love dies? Unending grief & sorrow? Is that what they think?

I believe I will miss my mom FOREVER while on this earth. I will grieve FOREVER while on this earth. It won't end until we are reunited in heaven. She will forever be missed.

I am not 'falling to pieces' of course. It's not my style. lol I have my moments. I think some people expect me not too, I know it makes people uncomfortable, helpless. It makes ME uncomfortable. lol But it's there. I'm normal, really.

And with or w/o faith, I think the pain (if that's what you want to call it) is still there & still great.

I had forgotten......

Mid August, there was a meeting for the prayer team, or whoever was interested in the prayer team. I attended. @ the time, I felt emotionally or spiritually, that something was stirring inside of me. I wasn't sure what it was...but I felt something, that God was preparing me for something or something was going to happen, maybe an unresolved issue that that needed to be worked, or MAYBE just a hormone imbalance. I didn't know but I requested prayer for it.

Soon after, my mom was admitted to the hospital for extreme pain & eventually was diagnosed w/ her cancer. Less than 2 mos later, she was dead. She practically died in my arms, her heart probably stopped as I had turned her over to change & bathe her. I was holding her but didn't realize.

So last week @ church...a member from the prayer team was sitting in front of me, it reminded me of that prayer meeting we had had & my prayer request. After that night I prayed intently for God to reveal to me what He wanted, or needed from me or whatever needed changing in my life.

I realized it was that, everything w/ my mom was what He was stirring within my heart. What does that mean to me? I realized that it was just another confirmation in my life that God was w/ me, by my side, preparing me for something I had no idea about. Preparing my heart & soul for something I could never had predicted but HE knew. HE knew from the beginning of time that that all roads would lead to this moment. He knew before I knew & He let me know that He knew even though I didn't.

Knowing I would be able to look back @ that moment in time, that tiny moment & again, know, that He was w/ me & would always be w/ me....all along the way, when I needed Him, before I even knew that I needed Him.