Reborn on my Birthday?

Yesterday was my birthday & I went to a prayer meeting in the evening....a friend recommended it to me. I had been looking forward to it for weeks. All day, I kept thinking, maybe I will be reborn on my birthday. Strange thought to have but I kept having it.

I was really praying & hoping for a miracle within my life. I had been hearing & learning about generational curses & prayers for it. God had revealed to me some generational patterns within my life & family, so I was really interested in being set free from all this madness.

Dh agreed to go w/ me. The people were nice....I will cut to the chase but it was a long night. Towards the end of the evening, they were praying w/ me & leading me through various prayers & there was a part where the pastor was guiding me to picture or imagine my birth. Part of me thought it was hokey but I was willing to try anything @ this point & hope for some real change in my life.

I could picture my birth but it was form a viewers perspective, like from the outside looking in...the pastor asked me if Jesus was there, yes he was. The amazing part was how my perspective changed....I could feel like God was asking me to choose, Jesus had his hands out & I was thinking, I am an infant, i can't choose....I can't even move. lol Then my perspective changed & I was no longer an outsider looking in, viewing the scene, I was looking up @ Christ from myself as a baby. I chose to look up at him. I did it.

Then I felt myself get panicky: asking him to take me w/ him. Then he responded: My daughter, I am not going anywhere.

Interesting but lately when I hear the Lord speaking to me, he addresses me as 'my daughter', not by name or anything else, but 'my daughter'.

And I think I wrote about an image I had a few weeks ago of Christ lifting me up then holding me as a little girl. Well I had that image again but there were more little girls around. Christ was holding me but my mother & grandmother were both there as little girls, standing around him.

I think there are so many things that happen to us, wound us, when we are little that stay w/ us our entire lives, and we are not even aware of it. but Christ is right there w/ us & He can heal, cleanse & free us from those deep hurts, whatever they may be.

Afterwards, I just felt so light & free. Words do not adequately describe the feeling but I know it was real & I wish everyone would do it. I feel like a lifetime of oppression is gone from my life & my children's lives. I have a strong hope for the future w/o dread or fear.

I can't really explain it but it's different. I know my entire life has been changed...for the better.

God Knows...

I read & prayed these verses to the Lord last night:

Psalm 55

1 Listen to my prayer, O God,
do not ignore my plea;
hear me and answer me.
2 My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught...

4 My heart is in anguish within me;
terrors of death assail me.
Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.
6 I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest--
7 I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
8 I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and the storm.

12 If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were raising himself against me,
I could hide from him.
13 But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

16 But I call to God,and the Lord saves me,
17 Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress,and he hears my voice.

20 My companion attacks his friends;
he violates his covenant.
21 his speech is smooth as butter,
yet war is in his heart;
his words are more soothing than oil
but they are drawn swords.
22 Cast your cares on the Lord
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall.

The chapter ends w:
But as for me, I trust in you.

Deep Roots

I've been specifically praying (for a few things) but particularly for God to reveal to me any roots I have within myself. Especially as we were going through the FAST, for the month of February, w/ the theme of "Breakthrough"....

And I'm realizing that even though I'm 34 years old...there are things buried deep inside, I wasn't even aware existed...or had had any affect on my life.

But they are there. hurts? wounds? disappointments?

So now, I am on this mini-journey for what? To face it if nothing more.

That is the first step, to face these things head on. The things that shaped me, go through the doors, break down the walls & see what happens.

It might be painful. I suspect it will be. Ok, I think I'm pretty sure it WILL be.

The main thing is, I realize that this junk between E & I, the real pain I felt, really has nothing to do w/ him, if that makes sense...it's deeper than that. Farther back, before him even.

Why God wants me to acknowledge it, I don't even know. I don't know what the point even is...but I suspect it may be.......freedom.

Still giving up!

Going through this nightmare, God has shown me so much about myself. How much I still try to control HIM!

How much I still need to give up my idea of control & having this life & treating this life as MY own. My life belongs to God, I believe, to glorify God. Not myself.

I am truly learning more what this 'deny yourself' really means. I can't say I am particularly enthralled w/ the idea, because basically, *I* want what *I* want.

What *I* want are not bad things. They are not even necessarily selfish things...but they are what *I* want. God is asking me, more & more to surrender what *I* want....for what HE wants for me.

How tightly I hold onto what *I* want. I can't even attain what *I* want lest God allows it but I hold on, cross my arms, pout &stamp my foot while wailing: but I waaaaant IT!

I cry out. God knows my grief. And it IS grief. To let go of plans, hopes, dreams. But I choose to trust fully in God's word. I choose to believe him when he said in Jer 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you, not to harm you or to hurt you but to give you a future & a hope.

I have comfort that God will have a greater plan, a greater dream for my life. It is no easy task to LET GO. Let go of ALL your dreams. Let go of what you THOUGHT your life was going to look like.

I think letting go also includes a bit of holding on---holding on to disappointment & grief. but not forever. yes, acknowledgement is ok. God knows our disappointment. It is a disappointment. But the hope comes from trusting that God has something better in store that will surpass any disappointment & sacrifice of things not going my way.

And He also has the power to resurrect my hopes & dreams. It is in his time. but the point is to let God decide my future. Am I willing to forgo my ideal? my idea of happiness? My idea of future? My idea of hope? My dreams?

And for what? To let go my ideas for the unknown?

I know I can do it. But will i? yes, I am willing. After crying over what is lost....for what I believe was taken & stolen from me, I heard God ask me, Are you WILLING to GIVE it away?

Am I willing to GIVE away my hopes & dreams for whatever God asks of me? For what God has in store for me? Am I willing to GIVE it ALL away, though it may never be what I imagined? for the unknown?

I am & I am.

It is a choice. I realize that many of these things I am grieving losing, I feel like my life has been STOLEN from me, God asks if I am willing to GIVE away of my own free will as opposed to seeing these things as stolen against my will.

If I am giving it away, what loss is then experienced? What grief? Is there loss in the giving or only in the being stolen from?

My grief can then be replaced by gladness in the offering I am sacrificing to my Lord.

hmmm...I hadn't even begun to see it that way before.

My grief can be replaced by gladness

Night of Prayer & Worship

Tonight was designated as our Night of Prayer & Worship, as we came together to break our fast.

During a major portion of prayer & worship we were challenged to to sit quietly & allow God to speak to us.

One particular moment we were told to imagine our sins going into Jesus wounds upon the cross. I sat & waited. I was praying for God to remove the deep roots within my heart that needed to be broken through & removed. I could see myself @ the foot of the cross. I feel like there is nothing but ugliness within me. I HAVE to get all of this 'bad stuff' out of me. I begin to wretch & vomit. Everything within me that is debase, disgusting & gross comes out. My heart is torn open & the disgustingness is flowing out of me w/ vomitroscious force.

The vomit is shooting up to Jesus, it becomes the nails in his hands, the spear in his side, the vomit is shooting into his open, fleshy wounds. The vomit, my vomit is causing his wounds. But then....as his wounds are gaping & bleeding...His blood is pouring out, onto me, covering me, dripping over me starting from my head.

As His blood pours over me, I am emerging as this beautiful creature. The blood is transforming me from disgusting to radiant. My vomit causes his wounds, which cause his blood, which cleanses & purifies me.

Later as I went to the 'altar' to kneel before the Lord, initially I was praying, then I stopped & just knelt there.

Again, I imagined myself @ the feet of Jesus. Nothing out of the ordinary, just me, as I am today, kneeling @ His feet. I feel him lift my face up towards Him as he says w/ gentle care, My daughter, lifting me up to my feet but as I rise, I am a young girl, lifted into her Father's arms & he is holding me. I see a young girl, in a ruffled skirt, two pig tails, one on each side of her head, folded white ruffled socks & shiny black maryjane shoes. Her face is nestled into his neck, her legs wrapped around his waist. he can't help but hug her as he holds her. As he holds ME.

I could FEEL this & it overwhelmed me. I began to get teary eyed but smile as Jesus touched me personally within my heart & very soul. I felt like.....??? Jesus was reaching to & revealing that hurt little girl inside of me. Although i am no longer a little girl, but a grown woman, HE still cares about the wounds of that little girl. He is here to love & care for that little girl, still.

Then I felt an urgent need to pray for my own 5.5yo dd, that she NEVER feel that pain of rejection & abandonement as a child that can plague her through out her life.

I'm still here...

I've learned so much these past few months.
I can't even believe it's been 3.5 mos since the 'nightmare', but it has.

The joy that this fills me w/ is so peaceful.

I am still growing every day in my relationship w/ Christ, my Savior.

I've gone from feeling utterly dejected, rejected, worthless & disposable, to realizing my value IN CHRIST. I have been even more reassured of how much my life DOES mean to Christ. He cried w/ me, ached w/ me & rejoiced w/ me @ each tiny triumph & victory.

All the while, showing me that HE was in control.

My marraige did not restore itself, neither did things take such a drastic turn by any will of mine. Over & over again, God showed me how totally impossible this situation was & yet...?? Here we are. Together again.

We are doing a 28 day fast, @ church. I am fasting sugar & sweet desserts. It's been harder than I thought it would be. I am excited to see what God is going to do within this month. I am excited to see the 'breakthroughs' that will happen.

Personally, it's been a real challenge, to NOT feel like I HAVE to take care of myself. I know I've been disappointed so many times & have this underlying feeling that I will NOT be taken care of by anyone, therefore I can only depend on myself. I want to release that & fully rely on God. I can do it sometimes & I've seen him woork in amazing & unbelieveable ways....but can I release EVERYTHING when I have the option to DO something?

That is where I am right now.

On day ONE of fasting, DH lost his job.....he doesn't have a repalcement yet. Only 18 more days & our rent is due again. What will I do then? Can I relase all ideas of 'control' & give this all to God?

It's a challenge to be sure.

I am excited to see what God is going to do.

As of today, I feel I am prepared for whatever God has in mind...maybe we will be 'camping' come this time next month. I have NO idea. But I am ready to embrace the adventure. @ least I THINK I am. lol

How do I FEEL?

My body wracks & heaves
Is it possible to vomit up a lung
My chest aches
I imagine any minute now my heart will burst out of my chest

I am doubled over in unimaginable pain
Pain I can't really feel but it is there
Tears flow freely as the screams & cries of sorrow are silent

Does God hear me?
Does He know how I feel?
Does He know how much my SOUL aches
the heaviness in my chest that weighs me down

I think I am going to die from sorrow
How much can a human soul really take
I pray & scream & cry out

I am begging
I can't get any lower
please make it stop
GOD!

I imagine He must know
but why then does He allow this to continue
For what purpose

I imagine He feels what I feel
How can He take it
How can anyone ever go through this
How did they survive

Am I the only weak one
Will this kill me
what can I do

Is there a way to stop it
I think not
Can I disappear

Depths of pain and sorrow
run deep
deeper than I've ever known
Release me

another night I cry myself to sleep

Never Alone

Never Alone

I waited for you today

But you didn't show

No no.

I needed you today

So where did you go?

You told me to call

Said you'd be there

And though I haven't seen you

Are you still there?

Chorus

I cried out with no reply

And I can't feel you by my side

So I'll hold tight to what I know

You're here and I'm never alone

And though I cannot see you

And I can't explain why

Such a deep reassurance

You've placed in my life.

We cannot separate

'Cause you're part of me.

And though you're invisible

I'll trust the unseen.

Chorus

The first time I heard this song....all the 'religious mental tapes' ran through my head. I thought; "how dare they sing that God isn't there...He's always there for us, everyone knows that, every good Christian knows that." Right?

But I was drawn to the song...I continued to listen to it over & over....it is pretty much exactly how I think & feel. I don't 'feel' God, I don't really 'see' God. But somehow I do know that He is real. I have seen Him work in my life. I can attest to that.

But for me, it is not a feeling. That goes along w/ my basic personality as well. Not much of a feeler anyway, not very emotional.

I love how honest this song is. Many people testify to feel God & see Him, to know him so personally in ways I've never experienced. I've often wondered if there was something wrong w/ me. I can easily get caught up in the lingo to be sure I sound like an authentic & good Christian.

Lately, I've gone to the other end.....more of that raw honesty w/ God. I've realized...He can handle it. I've noticed more and more people are thinking the same way. It's ok to be angry @ God, ok to question Him. I think God desires our whole heart, body, mind & soul & that includes the good bad and the ugly. He really can handle it.

For so long I couldn't be honest. I thought I had to be a certain way, always the 'right way'. I'm not talking about righteousness. I am referring to saying the right things, acting like you got everything under control, you are ok, doing fine ect. You are a "good Christian".

Even w/ my questions, as this song describes, I still know, deep in my heart that God is always w/ me. I know He is real....even if I can't see or fell Him. My experience, though, may not always look like the next Christian's....or maybe it actually does.

It takes Faith to DIE.

It seems to me that the moment that takes the most faith is not always to LIVE a "Christian Life" but rather to DIE one.

As we live, there are people to tell us things will get better, we can hear assurances from God, gain encouragement & wisdom from those who may have experienced what we have, when times are rough. It gives us comfort, calm & peace.

But as that moment of death approaches, NO ONE can tell us what lay on the 'other side'. No one IRL has returned to say, "I've been there." or "This is what you will experience." Only Christ, whom we have not met in his human form!

You must step over, alone, to face whatever will come.

Yes, God is w/ you. But that is my point, only YOU, alone, can have your death.

You must take it on Faith that everything you have read in God's Word, all you have been taught & professed to believe, are TRUE.

We don't always know our time is near. Many die unexpected deaths every second...some are blessed to have an 'idea' that the end is nearer than it was yesterday, as in the case of a terminal illness. I don't know how much control the human soul has either of releasing thier spirit....but in those cases, where death is iminent & it's coming is known....would you have the faith to DIE?

Would I?

I think it might be the ultimate 'test'. Will I be willing to submissively give my LIFE over to the unknown, based only a words of promise? Can I do it?

It does not need to wait until I KNOW I am dyING. AM I willing to have that mad faith even now? DO I?

It is one thing to profess faith when we are living our life as we have 'chosen'. Even if I am praying for "God's will" in my life daily....am I willing to pray for God's will to my DEATH?

Am I willing to DIE? Do I have the faith to Die, right now? Or can I profess Faith ONLY because I don't really believe I might die tomorrow.

I think it is in the distant future. Sure, I will die 'someday'. Am I willing to turn my body over to Christ fully as one who would accept a death sentence tomorrow? or today? Am I ready RIGHT NOW? Would I be @ peace w/ mortal news?

OR would I say...sure BUT I'd be sad for my children, family...sure BUT there is so much more I want to do...sure BUT I need to plan, prepare...sure BUT I need to get things in order...sure BUT...sure BUT...sure BUT...

There is no BUT. Either I am or I am not.

Because if God was calling me RIGHT THIS moment or 6 mos from now...do I not believe GOD, in His infinite wisdom, would take care of my family, would consider my 'work' here done, would expect me to already be prepared? OR would I fight, would I resist, hold on, be afraid because *I* am not ready because I actually doubt what is written in God's word?

I think it takes ALOT of faith to DIE. You must trust, as fully as never before, that God's Word is true. I do believe it is the ultimate test of Faith.

I hope I can pass that test when the time comes.

At least you have your Faith.....

WHAT does that mean?

I have heard it a few times, a few different variations, regarding my mom's death. SO because I have some 'faith' it is less painful? Easier to deal w/? I have some special power that should expediate my grief?

I will say that because I do have 'my faith' I do take comfort knowing that my mom (& my grandmother) are both w/ the Lord right now, truly & honestly. I know they had a personal relationship w/ Jesus Christ.

BUT that does not alleviate my missing them, especially my mom. It does not alleviate the tears or the emptiness. I don't get a free pass on grief cause I have 'my faith'. kwim?

And if those w/o faith believe that, then what do they have to look forward to when someone they love dies? Unending grief & sorrow? Is that what they think?

I believe I will miss my mom FOREVER while on this earth. I will grieve FOREVER while on this earth. It won't end until we are reunited in heaven. She will forever be missed.

I am not 'falling to pieces' of course. It's not my style. lol I have my moments. I think some people expect me not too, I know it makes people uncomfortable, helpless. It makes ME uncomfortable. lol But it's there. I'm normal, really.

And with or w/o faith, I think the pain (if that's what you want to call it) is still there & still great.

I had forgotten......

Mid August, there was a meeting for the prayer team, or whoever was interested in the prayer team. I attended. @ the time, I felt emotionally or spiritually, that something was stirring inside of me. I wasn't sure what it was...but I felt something, that God was preparing me for something or something was going to happen, maybe an unresolved issue that that needed to be worked, or MAYBE just a hormone imbalance. I didn't know but I requested prayer for it.

Soon after, my mom was admitted to the hospital for extreme pain & eventually was diagnosed w/ her cancer. Less than 2 mos later, she was dead. She practically died in my arms, her heart probably stopped as I had turned her over to change & bathe her. I was holding her but didn't realize.

So last week @ church...a member from the prayer team was sitting in front of me, it reminded me of that prayer meeting we had had & my prayer request. After that night I prayed intently for God to reveal to me what He wanted, or needed from me or whatever needed changing in my life.

I realized it was that, everything w/ my mom was what He was stirring within my heart. What does that mean to me? I realized that it was just another confirmation in my life that God was w/ me, by my side, preparing me for something I had no idea about. Preparing my heart & soul for something I could never had predicted but HE knew. HE knew from the beginning of time that that all roads would lead to this moment. He knew before I knew & He let me know that He knew even though I didn't.

Knowing I would be able to look back @ that moment in time, that tiny moment & again, know, that He was w/ me & would always be w/ me....all along the way, when I needed Him, before I even knew that I needed Him.

Skidding out of control......

I made a quick trip to the bank today. It's been raining ALL day, SO UNlike CA weather. Blah. Anyway, on my way back, I'm not sure but I may have been going a bit too fast, I honestly don't know.

I was far enough away when the light turned yellow, my car should have easily stopped, it didn't. It skidded, I think my brakes locked up. Not only was the car NOT stopping but it was not going straight either, it was veering off to the side into the other lane.

My heart near 'bout stopped as I pictured myself sliding into the intersection & cross traffic. Finally, the car DID stop & then I just thought, how embarrassing! I put my car in reverse & straightened out into my own lane. Realizing how potentially awful this could have been IF anyone had been on either side of me OR in front of me. There was no one.I didn't have my liscence, wallet or anything. I ran out of the house w/o even grabbing it, for a literal in & out errand.

How many times in life do we NOT pay attention to our 'speed'. Going about our business & when we decide to stop, it may be too late. Circumstances beyond our control, the potential to go skidding out of control. Sure it's a good thing we are trying to stop & w/ good reason. My point is to be aware BEFORE the need arises to 'slam on the brakes'. Be aware of outside influences, aware of what is coming up ahead....kwim? We must always be alert & on the ready, in life. The way to do that is to mind God more than our own business, I think.

I felt sick afterwards, that rush of adrenaline I guess. Poor angels, working over time today. ;o)

I AM the Adulterous woman.....

Never could I relate before. Never would I have even considered it. How could I have forgotten?
My life has been touched by adultery, not my own, not in the worldly sense anyway. I remember when I was debating what to do in my own marriage, when it was learned that my H had betrayed his vows. I was so angry & I heard God say to me: You have been unfaithful TO ME every day of your life. I heard it, I felt it & I was moved.

But that was then, I carried that mini-lesson w/ me, in my back pocket, to be brought out upon occasion when needed. When women, married or not, asked me HOW I could forgive my H...I brought out my 'wisdom', my 'word of the Lord'. I understood it, I KNEW it.

But just now, watching the video in the previous post...thinking how I could relate to Mary, as a mother, how pained her heart must have been to witness her son & Lord suffering, in such horrific ways. The actress portrays a stoic mother, not turning away. Then I caught that glimpse of the 'other Mary', the 'adulteress', crying & weeping, hardly able to contain herself, then it hit me.......

I AM her as well. It is not just my H. I am not the 'forgiver', I AM the forgiven. Even to THIS day. That spirit of discontent I have allowed to breed within my heart. That boredom, the fantasies, the wishes, leaving me empty. Flirting w/ temptations, whatever they may be, luring me from MY groom, who is my Lord.

How could I have been so blinded? So naive? My heart is physically aching as I write this.

To BE discontent, that is straying, that was breaking my vow to my Lord. That is how it starts, not in the sinful act itself, but in the idea of it, the thoughts, the premeditation of it. How quickly & easily it festers.

How could I have not noticed? I thoutgh I did not know the true reach of God's grace because somehow I never experienced it. It was all in 'talk' but not action. I had not actually, ever done anything SO bad. Still, in denial.

I never thought I would be her. I take precautions, I avoid the appearance of evil, I guard my mouth.....I was slacking off in guarding my mind, my heart. I allowed my mind to wander to the ideas of this world, "shiny things".........anything that could take me farther & farther from my Lord.

wow.

I know it seems so obvious............................

It STILL moves me......

Maybe I'm a robot?

Somewhere along the time continuum, that is my life, I became very 'logical'. Maybe I was always that way & never realized it. It is described in a marriage communication book I read, as a 'thinker', as opposed to being a 'feeler'.

It is a trait that can really come in handy, say, when decisions need to be made. It can also be quite frustrating when dealing w/ those who are 'feelers'. Especially if that 'feeler' is your spouse.

Also, most people don't believe me but I have a naturally 'depressive' nature. I have probably been clinically depressed my whole life. So is my mother, aunt (her sister) & my grandma (her mom). So I don't know if it is genetic or a 'learned' behavior or a combination of both. So it is interesting that positive emotions are a vague concept for me to grasp BUT I am very familiar & even comfortable w/ the range of negative ones.

Logical thinking has gotten me through many dark hours & during the darkest, medication. It was still my logical thought process that led me to seek medication before someone got hurt or worse, though. Now, I accept it as a 'fact of life' that I may never grasp 'happiness' but in a way it has been very freeing. I used to search intently for this 'happiness'. Not knowing what it was or how it was achieved & why it seemed so easy for everyone else. Once I hit the lowest point & felt the fear of being psychotic....I took the drugs, which helped beyond belief. Gained some mental control & then began some serious soul searching. (I am no longer on any medication, btw)

I accepted that this was me. However flawed, God created me as me, the logical one, the thinker & the possibly the 'depressive'. Therefore I gave up my goal for 'happiness' & instead focused my energy on being content. It was not a feeling for me. It was a logical choice. I could live my life feeling broken, unfulfilled, & empty OR I could live my life having CHOSEN to BE.

So I chose to BE. Just be. In that choice, I also started to create. Create my life as I wanted it to be. I chose to take my thoughts captive. I made a conscious choice to think of the good things, nice things, things I am grateful for. (hhhmmmmm...wonder where we've heard that advice before? lol)

My mottos changed. My marriage was no longer 'hard work' but an 'adventure'. Suddenly I was living Happily Ever After. I stopped seeking external validation or gratification, stopped expecting everyone else to make me happy.

I would hear others speak of this inexplicable LOVE they have for Christ, these emotions, these feelings. I'd think I must not be a good Christian because I just don't feel that way. Again, an epiphany or something....cause DUH, GOD made me this thinker. I may not feel love for Christ, but I can act lovingly. I can choose to be loving to others. I am touched by His sacrifice for me, but it is not an emotional reaction, but rather, it makes sense to me that I would be grateful for what He chose to do for me. How could you not?

The hard part comes into play when you are dealing w/ others who are emotionally motivated. They crave feelings. They want you to make them feel something. I do not hold others accountable to make me feel anything. I do not expect anyone to make me happy. I choose to act happy or not. Feelings fade w/ the wind. I know that so I do not depend on them. That is why I do not make decisions based on how I am feeling today. I have never ripped up a picture, out of anger, because I always knew that I would not be that angry forever & I most likely I would regret it later. lol

So how do a thinker & feeler make it work IRL? Oh the secret........lol.....accepting them as who they are, instead of as 'wrong'. lol NOT expecting them to be like me, think like me or to make choices like me, for starters. Paying attention is also a necessary skill. When someone tells me, I feel loved when you do _______. You can be sure I will be doing ______. Because my action will communicate love to that other person, or whatever feeling they are seeking.

I think my oldest son is more of thinker like me, ds #2---> total feeler & my dd, well, she's just a squealer! lol

And being a thinker does not mean that we are not sensitive, quite the contrary. I am so sensitive I can almost read minds & my children are very intune that way too. So much so, that it is almost scary. (I call it my super power, so don't tell anyone) They will examine & dissect every intake of breath, sigh, minute body language & inflection of voice. It can be tiring, for both parties. Perhaps that is why everyone thinks they are exceptional communicators, even at such young ages?

I joke that my super power is also a curse. It is extremely hard for me to take a person's words @ face value when it appears so obvious they do not mean it. But for whatever reason, they are choosing not to say what they mean, but rather what they want you to hear or what they think you want to hear. {maybe that is the real reason I am crazy. lolol} My ktbunch does not know that yet, about taking someone's word @ face value. Instead they question every sigh & inflection.

I think, this is why sometimes, I wish we could all be robots. :o)

Dull or Bright light?

The lightbulb in our laundry-slash-dog's room recently burned out. Ds changed it & boy was it suddenly BRIGHT in there! & I mean BRIGHT!

That room is right behind the kitchen on your way to the back yard. I hate the way my kitchen looks @ night. It looks dull & DINGY to be precise. At first I thought it was dirt, on the walls, cupboards ect. SO I scrubbed & scrubbed but it still looked 'dingy'. Then I figured it must have been a 'dingy' paint color but it doens't look as 'dingy' in the daylight. Then after changing that lightbulb...I have come to another conclusion....

It's the lightbulb!

The lightbulb is dim & dingy.....OR.....the cover is dirty & is causing the light that is trying to shine through it to appear dingy.

Either way, this is what I realized.....@ any time my light (which should really be Jesus' light) can become 'dingy'. Maybe I have let 'dirt' & 'grime' build up on or around me, thus dimming my light. Have I? Have you? Think about it.

Is the paint (the people around us) actually dingy OR is it just the reflection of my dingy light? Am I not shining as bright as I could be? Have I let myself go & maybe I need some cleaning up? Why should I let my dirt hold back the light?

Or do I need something to refresh me & give energy back to my light? Am I too busy trying to scrub what is around me (like my cupboards) when really it is me that needs the scrubbing to get the light to shine as bright as it once was?

I realized there was never anything wrong w/ my kitchen...it was just the light that was the problem.

I for one have heard this lesson loud & clear...I am going to make sure I maintain MY light this year & shine as bright as possible.

Dear God....

We need to have a little chat.

Ok, you know how stressed out I get about finances. I know you know. And the fact that YOU know...well it make me wonder WHY I keep getting stressed, or rather why there are continuous situations that cause me stress.

For example, my H pay plan. I know I married a (as Debi Pearl would call him) 'Mr. Visionary'...to a 'T'. And I love that man. But I never realized how important regularly scheduled income would be. I had NO idea.

It doesn't seem to stop regular bills though. I know that you promised to meet all of our needs & I KNOW you have heard me cry out to you many a time. But is it too much to ask/request that you fill me in on your plans once in awhile?

For example, YESTERDAY. It was payday....again.

I was EXTREMELY stressed out for some MYSTERIOUS reason. (hint, hint) And I was SURE that H pay check would just NOT be enough for the regualr bills. I was just so sure & worried & had visions of us NOT being able to pay the rent this month.

I tried not to let it get to me. I did not get upset...but I was trying to put on a calm outside although my insides were literally full of knots. Seriously, I couldn't even eat...but I made up for that later. ;)

As I was thinking about one of my New Years "Resolutions", if you want to call it that, of truly giving our budget over to YOU....I was also trying to 'make a plan', a 'financial plan', to avoid these VERY uncomfortable feelings in the future. IS that wrong?

I mean is it wrong for me to 'make the plan' if I already gave it to you? See...that's where *I* think it would be an EXCELLENT idea for you to fill me in on YOUR plan.....kwim?

So I was really quite surprised when I actually SAW H paycheck when we finally got it. It appears to be MORE than enough. ( I mean than regularly scheduled) I was truly SHOCKED. I certainly don't deserve such grace. I know that. & I know that YOU know that & you know that I know that.

And me knowing ahead of time, I guess really couldn't make much of a difference now would it? BUT it could possibly relieve some of my anxiety you know.

I don't know...do you & H have a conspiracy going or something? Because HE never seems to be worried about the bills much less much of anything else for that matter. Are you gaining up on me?

I do have to add that I was quite BLESSED to see that ALL of H hard work last month REALLY paid off. It would have been so disappointing if he would have put in all those late & long hours for a 'lower than enough' check.

I know, I know, your timing is perfect & your provision sufficient...but I'm only asking for a clue, you know, a hint maybe.

Well, yes, you have ALWAYS provided in the past & I have NO reason to worry, since we've never been homeless in the past--but we've been close-but your right, 'close' is NOT homeless. And I know that I am the first to acknowledge that YOU have ALWAYS been faithful & generous. No I can't argue w/ that. I know you love me & I appreciate your sense of humor about all of this, really. Oh sure, it's very funny I bet, to see me squirm, when really I should know by now that I have no reason too.

Yes, & I do understnad what a waste of time it is to fret when I have so much proof that there is NO need too.

Ok, Ok, I get the point. Please don't take this to mean that I am not greatful, because I am. You know that right? Yah, of course you do.

Well, in case I didn't tell you already, thank you. I really mean that. :o)

No one is poor in America

Ok, I know there are actually 'poor' people in America....somewhere, I met a couple living in a dumpster space in the alley @ the end of my block...but besides them....

This is the country of excess, EXCESS, I tell ya'! We're on a very LEAN budget. I'll be honest, we've made some financial mistakes & had many moments of financial mismanagement...but in our darkest hours...we've ALWAYS had a roof over our head, running water & STUFF up to our eyeballs!

I am really SICK of it. I'm SICK of all the stuff. It's like eating chocolate NON-stop, more & more & more. Gluttony in materialistic form, that's what it is.

It's barely a few days past Christmas.....they have a closet FULL of brand new, UNopened toys. I don't know if they will EVER get a chance to open them much less before their next b-day.

Something has to change.

I am now fully convinced that the MORE we give our children, the MORE UNsatisfied & discontent they will become. It will only breed & feed the lusts of thier flesh.

I have been hearing more & more arguing these past few days. IN theory, all these wonderful, new & tantalizing shiny toys would be keeping them busy right? No. Overwhelmed w/ what they 'wanted'...I believe they begin to EXPECT EVERYTHING they desire & then become gravely disappointed when they do not receive EVERYTHING they have desired. All the while becoming more & more selfish & inwardly focused on self!

And why not?...we have trained them to expect EVERYTHING. I think this is SO destructive to their character & nature.

The immediate intentions are good, well meaning relatives want to show that they love & care by giving gifts. In the long run, though, when you look @ the big picture, the 'intention' is actually very negative.

I was a bit concerned this Christmas that we would not be able to afford to give gifts to our children.....I don't know why! Every aunt & uncle & cousin gave them something. Plus, we got the brand new toys that co-workers had left over in their garages from Christmas's past. Plus I was busy making home-made gifts that I thought they would enjoy. And they did.

So WHY did I fall into that trap of worry? Knowing FULL well that they would be over-indulged?

I am hoping to spend this next year REALLY focusing on GIVING. I want my children to be moved inwardly to show compassion & caring outwardly. I want to focus on how RICH & blessed we truly are, so much that we don't NEED anything & that we can GIVE BACK to others who REALLY have less than us.

People are STILL starving, lonely & hurting the other 11 months of the year too. I want my children to know that & CARE. I am not sure HOW but I am going to focus on 'serving' these people in our community this year.

I think it's time to put my FEET where my faith is & I'm bringing the ktbunch w/ me!

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

I recently saw this movie. It kinda poses the question of possession vs. mental illness. Is possession REALLY just mental illness OR is mental illness REALLY possession? Well it posed the question TO ME.

The movie is supposedly based on a true story....this devout Catholic girl goes away to college & then develops either some sort of mental illness OR is possessed.

Now since it IS based on a true story & I haven't done the research to know HOW loosely or tightly based it is....I wonder then....I have been taught & always believed that if you are 'saved' you cannot be 'possessed'...so was this girl possessed & tortured & now she is in HELL? OR can you be saved AND possessed?

It certainly seemed that SHE believed in God & thought she was going to Heaven...so was she deceived? Was she really not saved?

It seems the emphasis of the movie was to get people to 'believe in demons'....ok...well WHY? Is it so that if you believe in demons then you will believe in God? Then why not just show people God. kwim? Does God really need to reveal himself to us through demonic activites?

What is the point then? And if you really can't be possessed if you are 'aved' then was that girls torture in vain?

OR was she really just suffereing from mental illness? Or is it BOTH? Is mental illness a form of spiritual oppression? Ten if you read yoru Bible daily can you avoid mental illness?

Are some people just more susceptible to 'this type of thing'? If so then why? The movie seeme dto put the emphasis ont eh demonic powers & realm MORE than God.....so the story was NOT told to get to people to see God. But then IF you believe in Demons than are you convinced that there is a God? Seems like a long way to go about it.


And this brings up something else I have been wondering about. ghosts. I don't believe ghosts exist, @ least not in the sense that most think of them. I believe they are demons taking on a ghostly manifestation, to distract us from 'truth'...that is God. ok, then...but if you see a 'ghostly' figure or apparatiion & it is not communicating w/ you or appearing to get your attention....what is the point? Will a demon just show itself but for no apparent reason?

I really want to know these answers. Especially about the possession thing...because if what I have been taught is wrong...then maybe there are other things that I have been taught that are wrong as well. kwim?

I will not lose faith over it...but I do not want to be misled.

God doesn't need ME!

The past few weeks I have been 'helping/ministering', whatever you want to call it, to a homeless couple. H wasn't particularly supportive of my efforts. He 'let me' do it though.

Last week we actually got into an arguement over it & he wanted me to discontinue my efforts. I strongly disagreed w/ him & struggled to submit. Although begrudgingly, I did as he wanted. I began to reflect on the situation from his point of view & step back emotionally from the situation.

I was very concerned for the couple but I began to see how emotionally attached I had become. TOO attached. I submitted to H wishes, although I was still very concerned for their well-being. The female half of the couple is about 5 months pg.

Well, she knocked @ the door yesterday to see if we had any recycleables. I gave her what I had but did not invite her in or offer much conversation. I have been sick anyways & let her know. She looked happy & excited. She told me that the day before, a guy had pulled up to them, while they were recycling, & said that the Lord put it on his heart to give this to them, & he proceeded to give them some cash. When they unfolded it later they realized it was $100.

They stayed in a motel & were able to get cleaned up that night. Then another guy was kinda staring @ her & driving by & finally stopped. She asked him what he wanted & he said he was concerned because he noticed she was pregnant & wanted to make sure she had eaten, he also gave them some $$$ to get something to eat.

I was blessed that she shared this w/ me because it confirmed that to me that I did the RIGHT thing by submitting to H in this area. It reminded me that MY job is to submit to H & God will bless that. God can do HIS job & HIS will w/o ME! lol HE will provide when He wants too...He does not need ME to do it for him. Especially if it means for me to dishonor my H. :o)

By me stepping back, God was able to allow someone else to minister to this couple in the name of Jesus, even.

It also challenged my faith. If *I* was not helping them...did I have faith that God would? This incident confirmed that God will have HIS will be done, regardless if it invovles me or not. IT wasn't about *me*...but I had made it that way.

By me stepping back, I was also stepping out in faith that GOD would provide for their needs even if *I* wasn't.