It takes Faith to DIE.

It seems to me that the moment that takes the most faith is not always to LIVE a "Christian Life" but rather to DIE one.

As we live, there are people to tell us things will get better, we can hear assurances from God, gain encouragement & wisdom from those who may have experienced what we have, when times are rough. It gives us comfort, calm & peace.

But as that moment of death approaches, NO ONE can tell us what lay on the 'other side'. No one IRL has returned to say, "I've been there." or "This is what you will experience." Only Christ, whom we have not met in his human form!

You must step over, alone, to face whatever will come.

Yes, God is w/ you. But that is my point, only YOU, alone, can have your death.

You must take it on Faith that everything you have read in God's Word, all you have been taught & professed to believe, are TRUE.

We don't always know our time is near. Many die unexpected deaths every second...some are blessed to have an 'idea' that the end is nearer than it was yesterday, as in the case of a terminal illness. I don't know how much control the human soul has either of releasing thier spirit....but in those cases, where death is iminent & it's coming is known....would you have the faith to DIE?

Would I?

I think it might be the ultimate 'test'. Will I be willing to submissively give my LIFE over to the unknown, based only a words of promise? Can I do it?

It does not need to wait until I KNOW I am dyING. AM I willing to have that mad faith even now? DO I?

It is one thing to profess faith when we are living our life as we have 'chosen'. Even if I am praying for "God's will" in my life daily....am I willing to pray for God's will to my DEATH?

Am I willing to DIE? Do I have the faith to Die, right now? Or can I profess Faith ONLY because I don't really believe I might die tomorrow.

I think it is in the distant future. Sure, I will die 'someday'. Am I willing to turn my body over to Christ fully as one who would accept a death sentence tomorrow? or today? Am I ready RIGHT NOW? Would I be @ peace w/ mortal news?

OR would I say...sure BUT I'd be sad for my children, family...sure BUT there is so much more I want to do...sure BUT I need to plan, prepare...sure BUT I need to get things in order...sure BUT...sure BUT...sure BUT...

There is no BUT. Either I am or I am not.

Because if God was calling me RIGHT THIS moment or 6 mos from now...do I not believe GOD, in His infinite wisdom, would take care of my family, would consider my 'work' here done, would expect me to already be prepared? OR would I fight, would I resist, hold on, be afraid because *I* am not ready because I actually doubt what is written in God's word?

I think it takes ALOT of faith to DIE. You must trust, as fully as never before, that God's Word is true. I do believe it is the ultimate test of Faith.

I hope I can pass that test when the time comes.

At least you have your Faith.....

WHAT does that mean?

I have heard it a few times, a few different variations, regarding my mom's death. SO because I have some 'faith' it is less painful? Easier to deal w/? I have some special power that should expediate my grief?

I will say that because I do have 'my faith' I do take comfort knowing that my mom (& my grandmother) are both w/ the Lord right now, truly & honestly. I know they had a personal relationship w/ Jesus Christ.

BUT that does not alleviate my missing them, especially my mom. It does not alleviate the tears or the emptiness. I don't get a free pass on grief cause I have 'my faith'. kwim?

And if those w/o faith believe that, then what do they have to look forward to when someone they love dies? Unending grief & sorrow? Is that what they think?

I believe I will miss my mom FOREVER while on this earth. I will grieve FOREVER while on this earth. It won't end until we are reunited in heaven. She will forever be missed.

I am not 'falling to pieces' of course. It's not my style. lol I have my moments. I think some people expect me not too, I know it makes people uncomfortable, helpless. It makes ME uncomfortable. lol But it's there. I'm normal, really.

And with or w/o faith, I think the pain (if that's what you want to call it) is still there & still great.

I had forgotten......

Mid August, there was a meeting for the prayer team, or whoever was interested in the prayer team. I attended. @ the time, I felt emotionally or spiritually, that something was stirring inside of me. I wasn't sure what it was...but I felt something, that God was preparing me for something or something was going to happen, maybe an unresolved issue that that needed to be worked, or MAYBE just a hormone imbalance. I didn't know but I requested prayer for it.

Soon after, my mom was admitted to the hospital for extreme pain & eventually was diagnosed w/ her cancer. Less than 2 mos later, she was dead. She practically died in my arms, her heart probably stopped as I had turned her over to change & bathe her. I was holding her but didn't realize.

So last week @ church...a member from the prayer team was sitting in front of me, it reminded me of that prayer meeting we had had & my prayer request. After that night I prayed intently for God to reveal to me what He wanted, or needed from me or whatever needed changing in my life.

I realized it was that, everything w/ my mom was what He was stirring within my heart. What does that mean to me? I realized that it was just another confirmation in my life that God was w/ me, by my side, preparing me for something I had no idea about. Preparing my heart & soul for something I could never had predicted but HE knew. HE knew from the beginning of time that that all roads would lead to this moment. He knew before I knew & He let me know that He knew even though I didn't.

Knowing I would be able to look back @ that moment in time, that tiny moment & again, know, that He was w/ me & would always be w/ me....all along the way, when I needed Him, before I even knew that I needed Him.

Skidding out of control......

I made a quick trip to the bank today. It's been raining ALL day, SO UNlike CA weather. Blah. Anyway, on my way back, I'm not sure but I may have been going a bit too fast, I honestly don't know.

I was far enough away when the light turned yellow, my car should have easily stopped, it didn't. It skidded, I think my brakes locked up. Not only was the car NOT stopping but it was not going straight either, it was veering off to the side into the other lane.

My heart near 'bout stopped as I pictured myself sliding into the intersection & cross traffic. Finally, the car DID stop & then I just thought, how embarrassing! I put my car in reverse & straightened out into my own lane. Realizing how potentially awful this could have been IF anyone had been on either side of me OR in front of me. There was no one.I didn't have my liscence, wallet or anything. I ran out of the house w/o even grabbing it, for a literal in & out errand.

How many times in life do we NOT pay attention to our 'speed'. Going about our business & when we decide to stop, it may be too late. Circumstances beyond our control, the potential to go skidding out of control. Sure it's a good thing we are trying to stop & w/ good reason. My point is to be aware BEFORE the need arises to 'slam on the brakes'. Be aware of outside influences, aware of what is coming up ahead....kwim? We must always be alert & on the ready, in life. The way to do that is to mind God more than our own business, I think.

I felt sick afterwards, that rush of adrenaline I guess. Poor angels, working over time today. ;o)

I AM the Adulterous woman.....

Never could I relate before. Never would I have even considered it. How could I have forgotten?
My life has been touched by adultery, not my own, not in the worldly sense anyway. I remember when I was debating what to do in my own marriage, when it was learned that my H had betrayed his vows. I was so angry & I heard God say to me: You have been unfaithful TO ME every day of your life. I heard it, I felt it & I was moved.

But that was then, I carried that mini-lesson w/ me, in my back pocket, to be brought out upon occasion when needed. When women, married or not, asked me HOW I could forgive my H...I brought out my 'wisdom', my 'word of the Lord'. I understood it, I KNEW it.

But just now, watching the video in the previous post...thinking how I could relate to Mary, as a mother, how pained her heart must have been to witness her son & Lord suffering, in such horrific ways. The actress portrays a stoic mother, not turning away. Then I caught that glimpse of the 'other Mary', the 'adulteress', crying & weeping, hardly able to contain herself, then it hit me.......

I AM her as well. It is not just my H. I am not the 'forgiver', I AM the forgiven. Even to THIS day. That spirit of discontent I have allowed to breed within my heart. That boredom, the fantasies, the wishes, leaving me empty. Flirting w/ temptations, whatever they may be, luring me from MY groom, who is my Lord.

How could I have been so blinded? So naive? My heart is physically aching as I write this.

To BE discontent, that is straying, that was breaking my vow to my Lord. That is how it starts, not in the sinful act itself, but in the idea of it, the thoughts, the premeditation of it. How quickly & easily it festers.

How could I have not noticed? I thoutgh I did not know the true reach of God's grace because somehow I never experienced it. It was all in 'talk' but not action. I had not actually, ever done anything SO bad. Still, in denial.

I never thought I would be her. I take precautions, I avoid the appearance of evil, I guard my mouth.....I was slacking off in guarding my mind, my heart. I allowed my mind to wander to the ideas of this world, "shiny things".........anything that could take me farther & farther from my Lord.

wow.

I know it seems so obvious............................

It STILL moves me......

Maybe I'm a robot?

Somewhere along the time continuum, that is my life, I became very 'logical'. Maybe I was always that way & never realized it. It is described in a marriage communication book I read, as a 'thinker', as opposed to being a 'feeler'.

It is a trait that can really come in handy, say, when decisions need to be made. It can also be quite frustrating when dealing w/ those who are 'feelers'. Especially if that 'feeler' is your spouse.

Also, most people don't believe me but I have a naturally 'depressive' nature. I have probably been clinically depressed my whole life. So is my mother, aunt (her sister) & my grandma (her mom). So I don't know if it is genetic or a 'learned' behavior or a combination of both. So it is interesting that positive emotions are a vague concept for me to grasp BUT I am very familiar & even comfortable w/ the range of negative ones.

Logical thinking has gotten me through many dark hours & during the darkest, medication. It was still my logical thought process that led me to seek medication before someone got hurt or worse, though. Now, I accept it as a 'fact of life' that I may never grasp 'happiness' but in a way it has been very freeing. I used to search intently for this 'happiness'. Not knowing what it was or how it was achieved & why it seemed so easy for everyone else. Once I hit the lowest point & felt the fear of being psychotic....I took the drugs, which helped beyond belief. Gained some mental control & then began some serious soul searching. (I am no longer on any medication, btw)

I accepted that this was me. However flawed, God created me as me, the logical one, the thinker & the possibly the 'depressive'. Therefore I gave up my goal for 'happiness' & instead focused my energy on being content. It was not a feeling for me. It was a logical choice. I could live my life feeling broken, unfulfilled, & empty OR I could live my life having CHOSEN to BE.

So I chose to BE. Just be. In that choice, I also started to create. Create my life as I wanted it to be. I chose to take my thoughts captive. I made a conscious choice to think of the good things, nice things, things I am grateful for. (hhhmmmmm...wonder where we've heard that advice before? lol)

My mottos changed. My marriage was no longer 'hard work' but an 'adventure'. Suddenly I was living Happily Ever After. I stopped seeking external validation or gratification, stopped expecting everyone else to make me happy.

I would hear others speak of this inexplicable LOVE they have for Christ, these emotions, these feelings. I'd think I must not be a good Christian because I just don't feel that way. Again, an epiphany or something....cause DUH, GOD made me this thinker. I may not feel love for Christ, but I can act lovingly. I can choose to be loving to others. I am touched by His sacrifice for me, but it is not an emotional reaction, but rather, it makes sense to me that I would be grateful for what He chose to do for me. How could you not?

The hard part comes into play when you are dealing w/ others who are emotionally motivated. They crave feelings. They want you to make them feel something. I do not hold others accountable to make me feel anything. I do not expect anyone to make me happy. I choose to act happy or not. Feelings fade w/ the wind. I know that so I do not depend on them. That is why I do not make decisions based on how I am feeling today. I have never ripped up a picture, out of anger, because I always knew that I would not be that angry forever & I most likely I would regret it later. lol

So how do a thinker & feeler make it work IRL? Oh the secret........lol.....accepting them as who they are, instead of as 'wrong'. lol NOT expecting them to be like me, think like me or to make choices like me, for starters. Paying attention is also a necessary skill. When someone tells me, I feel loved when you do _______. You can be sure I will be doing ______. Because my action will communicate love to that other person, or whatever feeling they are seeking.

I think my oldest son is more of thinker like me, ds #2---> total feeler & my dd, well, she's just a squealer! lol

And being a thinker does not mean that we are not sensitive, quite the contrary. I am so sensitive I can almost read minds & my children are very intune that way too. So much so, that it is almost scary. (I call it my super power, so don't tell anyone) They will examine & dissect every intake of breath, sigh, minute body language & inflection of voice. It can be tiring, for both parties. Perhaps that is why everyone thinks they are exceptional communicators, even at such young ages?

I joke that my super power is also a curse. It is extremely hard for me to take a person's words @ face value when it appears so obvious they do not mean it. But for whatever reason, they are choosing not to say what they mean, but rather what they want you to hear or what they think you want to hear. {maybe that is the real reason I am crazy. lolol} My ktbunch does not know that yet, about taking someone's word @ face value. Instead they question every sigh & inflection.

I think, this is why sometimes, I wish we could all be robots. :o)

Dull or Bright light?

The lightbulb in our laundry-slash-dog's room recently burned out. Ds changed it & boy was it suddenly BRIGHT in there! & I mean BRIGHT!

That room is right behind the kitchen on your way to the back yard. I hate the way my kitchen looks @ night. It looks dull & DINGY to be precise. At first I thought it was dirt, on the walls, cupboards ect. SO I scrubbed & scrubbed but it still looked 'dingy'. Then I figured it must have been a 'dingy' paint color but it doens't look as 'dingy' in the daylight. Then after changing that lightbulb...I have come to another conclusion....

It's the lightbulb!

The lightbulb is dim & dingy.....OR.....the cover is dirty & is causing the light that is trying to shine through it to appear dingy.

Either way, this is what I realized.....@ any time my light (which should really be Jesus' light) can become 'dingy'. Maybe I have let 'dirt' & 'grime' build up on or around me, thus dimming my light. Have I? Have you? Think about it.

Is the paint (the people around us) actually dingy OR is it just the reflection of my dingy light? Am I not shining as bright as I could be? Have I let myself go & maybe I need some cleaning up? Why should I let my dirt hold back the light?

Or do I need something to refresh me & give energy back to my light? Am I too busy trying to scrub what is around me (like my cupboards) when really it is me that needs the scrubbing to get the light to shine as bright as it once was?

I realized there was never anything wrong w/ my kitchen...it was just the light that was the problem.

I for one have heard this lesson loud & clear...I am going to make sure I maintain MY light this year & shine as bright as possible.

Dear God....

We need to have a little chat.

Ok, you know how stressed out I get about finances. I know you know. And the fact that YOU know...well it make me wonder WHY I keep getting stressed, or rather why there are continuous situations that cause me stress.

For example, my H pay plan. I know I married a (as Debi Pearl would call him) 'Mr. Visionary'...to a 'T'. And I love that man. But I never realized how important regularly scheduled income would be. I had NO idea.

It doesn't seem to stop regular bills though. I know that you promised to meet all of our needs & I KNOW you have heard me cry out to you many a time. But is it too much to ask/request that you fill me in on your plans once in awhile?

For example, YESTERDAY. It was payday....again.

I was EXTREMELY stressed out for some MYSTERIOUS reason. (hint, hint) And I was SURE that H pay check would just NOT be enough for the regualr bills. I was just so sure & worried & had visions of us NOT being able to pay the rent this month.

I tried not to let it get to me. I did not get upset...but I was trying to put on a calm outside although my insides were literally full of knots. Seriously, I couldn't even eat...but I made up for that later. ;)

As I was thinking about one of my New Years "Resolutions", if you want to call it that, of truly giving our budget over to YOU....I was also trying to 'make a plan', a 'financial plan', to avoid these VERY uncomfortable feelings in the future. IS that wrong?

I mean is it wrong for me to 'make the plan' if I already gave it to you? See...that's where *I* think it would be an EXCELLENT idea for you to fill me in on YOUR plan.....kwim?

So I was really quite surprised when I actually SAW H paycheck when we finally got it. It appears to be MORE than enough. ( I mean than regularly scheduled) I was truly SHOCKED. I certainly don't deserve such grace. I know that. & I know that YOU know that & you know that I know that.

And me knowing ahead of time, I guess really couldn't make much of a difference now would it? BUT it could possibly relieve some of my anxiety you know.

I don't know...do you & H have a conspiracy going or something? Because HE never seems to be worried about the bills much less much of anything else for that matter. Are you gaining up on me?

I do have to add that I was quite BLESSED to see that ALL of H hard work last month REALLY paid off. It would have been so disappointing if he would have put in all those late & long hours for a 'lower than enough' check.

I know, I know, your timing is perfect & your provision sufficient...but I'm only asking for a clue, you know, a hint maybe.

Well, yes, you have ALWAYS provided in the past & I have NO reason to worry, since we've never been homeless in the past--but we've been close-but your right, 'close' is NOT homeless. And I know that I am the first to acknowledge that YOU have ALWAYS been faithful & generous. No I can't argue w/ that. I know you love me & I appreciate your sense of humor about all of this, really. Oh sure, it's very funny I bet, to see me squirm, when really I should know by now that I have no reason too.

Yes, & I do understnad what a waste of time it is to fret when I have so much proof that there is NO need too.

Ok, Ok, I get the point. Please don't take this to mean that I am not greatful, because I am. You know that right? Yah, of course you do.

Well, in case I didn't tell you already, thank you. I really mean that. :o)

No one is poor in America

Ok, I know there are actually 'poor' people in America....somewhere, I met a couple living in a dumpster space in the alley @ the end of my block...but besides them....

This is the country of excess, EXCESS, I tell ya'! We're on a very LEAN budget. I'll be honest, we've made some financial mistakes & had many moments of financial mismanagement...but in our darkest hours...we've ALWAYS had a roof over our head, running water & STUFF up to our eyeballs!

I am really SICK of it. I'm SICK of all the stuff. It's like eating chocolate NON-stop, more & more & more. Gluttony in materialistic form, that's what it is.

It's barely a few days past Christmas.....they have a closet FULL of brand new, UNopened toys. I don't know if they will EVER get a chance to open them much less before their next b-day.

Something has to change.

I am now fully convinced that the MORE we give our children, the MORE UNsatisfied & discontent they will become. It will only breed & feed the lusts of thier flesh.

I have been hearing more & more arguing these past few days. IN theory, all these wonderful, new & tantalizing shiny toys would be keeping them busy right? No. Overwhelmed w/ what they 'wanted'...I believe they begin to EXPECT EVERYTHING they desire & then become gravely disappointed when they do not receive EVERYTHING they have desired. All the while becoming more & more selfish & inwardly focused on self!

And why not?...we have trained them to expect EVERYTHING. I think this is SO destructive to their character & nature.

The immediate intentions are good, well meaning relatives want to show that they love & care by giving gifts. In the long run, though, when you look @ the big picture, the 'intention' is actually very negative.

I was a bit concerned this Christmas that we would not be able to afford to give gifts to our children.....I don't know why! Every aunt & uncle & cousin gave them something. Plus, we got the brand new toys that co-workers had left over in their garages from Christmas's past. Plus I was busy making home-made gifts that I thought they would enjoy. And they did.

So WHY did I fall into that trap of worry? Knowing FULL well that they would be over-indulged?

I am hoping to spend this next year REALLY focusing on GIVING. I want my children to be moved inwardly to show compassion & caring outwardly. I want to focus on how RICH & blessed we truly are, so much that we don't NEED anything & that we can GIVE BACK to others who REALLY have less than us.

People are STILL starving, lonely & hurting the other 11 months of the year too. I want my children to know that & CARE. I am not sure HOW but I am going to focus on 'serving' these people in our community this year.

I think it's time to put my FEET where my faith is & I'm bringing the ktbunch w/ me!

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

I recently saw this movie. It kinda poses the question of possession vs. mental illness. Is possession REALLY just mental illness OR is mental illness REALLY possession? Well it posed the question TO ME.

The movie is supposedly based on a true story....this devout Catholic girl goes away to college & then develops either some sort of mental illness OR is possessed.

Now since it IS based on a true story & I haven't done the research to know HOW loosely or tightly based it is....I wonder then....I have been taught & always believed that if you are 'saved' you cannot be 'possessed'...so was this girl possessed & tortured & now she is in HELL? OR can you be saved AND possessed?

It certainly seemed that SHE believed in God & thought she was going to Heaven...so was she deceived? Was she really not saved?

It seems the emphasis of the movie was to get people to 'believe in demons'....ok...well WHY? Is it so that if you believe in demons then you will believe in God? Then why not just show people God. kwim? Does God really need to reveal himself to us through demonic activites?

What is the point then? And if you really can't be possessed if you are 'aved' then was that girls torture in vain?

OR was she really just suffereing from mental illness? Or is it BOTH? Is mental illness a form of spiritual oppression? Ten if you read yoru Bible daily can you avoid mental illness?

Are some people just more susceptible to 'this type of thing'? If so then why? The movie seeme dto put the emphasis ont eh demonic powers & realm MORE than God.....so the story was NOT told to get to people to see God. But then IF you believe in Demons than are you convinced that there is a God? Seems like a long way to go about it.


And this brings up something else I have been wondering about. ghosts. I don't believe ghosts exist, @ least not in the sense that most think of them. I believe they are demons taking on a ghostly manifestation, to distract us from 'truth'...that is God. ok, then...but if you see a 'ghostly' figure or apparatiion & it is not communicating w/ you or appearing to get your attention....what is the point? Will a demon just show itself but for no apparent reason?

I really want to know these answers. Especially about the possession thing...because if what I have been taught is wrong...then maybe there are other things that I have been taught that are wrong as well. kwim?

I will not lose faith over it...but I do not want to be misled.

God doesn't need ME!

The past few weeks I have been 'helping/ministering', whatever you want to call it, to a homeless couple. H wasn't particularly supportive of my efforts. He 'let me' do it though.

Last week we actually got into an arguement over it & he wanted me to discontinue my efforts. I strongly disagreed w/ him & struggled to submit. Although begrudgingly, I did as he wanted. I began to reflect on the situation from his point of view & step back emotionally from the situation.

I was very concerned for the couple but I began to see how emotionally attached I had become. TOO attached. I submitted to H wishes, although I was still very concerned for their well-being. The female half of the couple is about 5 months pg.

Well, she knocked @ the door yesterday to see if we had any recycleables. I gave her what I had but did not invite her in or offer much conversation. I have been sick anyways & let her know. She looked happy & excited. She told me that the day before, a guy had pulled up to them, while they were recycling, & said that the Lord put it on his heart to give this to them, & he proceeded to give them some cash. When they unfolded it later they realized it was $100.

They stayed in a motel & were able to get cleaned up that night. Then another guy was kinda staring @ her & driving by & finally stopped. She asked him what he wanted & he said he was concerned because he noticed she was pregnant & wanted to make sure she had eaten, he also gave them some $$$ to get something to eat.

I was blessed that she shared this w/ me because it confirmed that to me that I did the RIGHT thing by submitting to H in this area. It reminded me that MY job is to submit to H & God will bless that. God can do HIS job & HIS will w/o ME! lol HE will provide when He wants too...He does not need ME to do it for him. Especially if it means for me to dishonor my H. :o)

By me stepping back, God was able to allow someone else to minister to this couple in the name of Jesus, even.

It also challenged my faith. If *I* was not helping them...did I have faith that God would? This incident confirmed that God will have HIS will be done, regardless if it invovles me or not. IT wasn't about *me*...but I had made it that way.

By me stepping back, I was also stepping out in faith that GOD would provide for their needs even if *I* wasn't.

What are you holding on to?

Not long ago, I found an nasty letter that was written to me YEARS ago. It was an angry, mean & threatening letter.

I had forgotten all about it & the incident it was referring to. I wondered for a moment WHY I had even saved it. I also remembered that I had found it even earlier & saved it back then.

WHY would anyone save something that would remind them of a bad time? I know exactly why. I was holding onto that letter as a grudge. I wanted to somehow feel validated or to have proof of how *I* had been wronged. How WRONG this person was for writing this to me.

By holding onto that, I was putting myself in the victim mode. I was keeping myself as the victim & trying to lift myself up as a martyr. It's a very evil thought process.

I decided to 'let it go' once & for all. I physically threw the letter away. Hoping never to be reminded again. Noone would ever find this letter. Noone else would ever know how *I* was 'wronged'.

I believe this is how God wants me all to deal w/ trangressions against me. To 'let them go'. Forgive & forget. Somethings are easier to forget than others, true. But that does not give me liscence not to try.

How many 'incidents' am I holding onto? Am I measuring my self-worth or value by the # of times I have been 'wronged'. Am I holding onto some righteous indignation?

I Corinthians 13: 5b Love......keeps no record of wrongs......

Peer Pressure is NOT just for teens!

So many times we think of peer pressure as something only teenagers deal with. NOT so!

I recently realized how much peer pressure we are faced w/ everyday from every angle, young & old. For example, I normally avoid the mall. I usually don't have extra cash to burn so there is no point for me to enter the mall. I used to go just to walk around & window shop but would then leave feeling sad or bad about all the wonderful things I could not afford to buy. I realized that these window shopping trips left me w/ a feeling of discontentment.

Now I have taken that new found wisdom & tempered it for other things as well. Such as conversations. It is so easy for us to compare our lives to the lives of our friends & family. I am normally a pretty easy going, laid back person & wife. I try to 'roll w/ the punches' most days.

I believe God has hand-picked our children & spouses just for us to be evenly & perfectly matched w/, according to our needs & desires. Every couple has their own way of doing things & ways of relating to each other.

When hearing about 'other' couples ways of doing things, I noticed I was starting to get prideful about myself & disgruntled towards my H & the way we usually do things. The way that had been working for us, suddenly didn't seem good enough anymore. So & so's spouse does this & so & so's spouse does that.

In my heart was breeding a spirit of discontentment & ungratefulness. I realized it & checked myself quickly before it really took root. It is so important for us to temper the things we say to each other & the things we listen to from others. It is so easy for thoughts to be planted that can stir up bad attitudes.

We must keep our guard up to be aware of these trappings. Don't fall into them. Keep your armor on @ all times. Just because we are 'mature adults' does not mean that we are immune to Peer Pressure.

Busted!

Do not say, "I'll pay you back for this wrong!" Wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you. Prov. 20:22

This was the verse in my daily reading yesterday. I didn't think much of it.......until I remembered I had been toying w/ the idea of a minor revenge tactic. If you knew what it was you would laugh your head off because it was so petty in comparison of what it was in revenge for.

I kept thinking I somehow DESERVED to do it. Kept thinking it really wouldn't hurt anyone except for possibly cause a minor inconvenience. I was plotting & scheming, I admit.

I was justifying all the reason WHY this would be an ok thing to do. Some would even consider it humorous!

Then today I remembered THIS verse from yesterday morning.

NO denying...revenge is never OUR right nor duty.

Does anyone else.....

learn life lessons while scrubbing things? Oh, that's what I thought.

I have an O'keefe & Merritt stove. I guess it could be considered 'antique' or @ least kinda cool. I got it from a friend who was given a 'new' stove. All I cared about was that it 'worked'.

It was a bit grimy, she had 'inherited' it from someone else too. I didn't mind the grime all that much since I knew I wasn't the one who created it. It could be called shabby but hey, it's an O'Keefe & Merritt! It is actually worth something @ best & worth a little something @ worst.

One day, when I was doing a surface cleaning of it like I usually do. I decided to go gung ho & degrease the entire thing. By the time I was finished that thing looked like new. (ok, well not totally but it was VERY white & shiny!) I had never thought to do that before because: that was the way it came, it wasn't MY mess to clean up & it worked, what did I care if it was sparkling?

But now, it was MORE valuable since I put more work into it. I had never considered it before & had even entertained the idea of getting a new one, if I could ever afford it. It had been losing it's charm over the years.

After all was said & done, I realized that many of our relationships, primarily our marital ones, are very much like this stove. (Nooooo, I am NOT calling my H an oven, although he is pretty hot! ;) )

For example, when we first get married, our H or spouse, come to us w/ their own 'grime' left over from where they came from & how they were raised. It doesn't bother us too much @ first because we didn't create that mess & it kinda adds to thier charm right? And we feel no obligation to help clean it up.

After awhile, we start adding to it. H seems to get grimier & grimier, we become disatisfied & possibly entertain ideas of getting a 'new' one even though this one 'works fine'.

BUT if, like my oven, we put a bit of muscle into it, if we CARE enough to do it, our H or relationship, will again start to sparkle & shine. Their value will be restored & even increased. They will appeal to us again as they once did.

Are you willing to help remove that grime? Do you care enough too? Or you just gonna toss out the old & bring in the new?

I'm not 'antique' but I could be 'vintage' & I've got the grime to prove it, but I am so glad that Jesus is willing to put in the time & effort to wipe it away & allow me to sparkle again!

I am always SO surprised....

by NICE people. really.

I am not sure why but I always wonder: WHY would someone want to be nice to me? kwim?

We have been really blessed by some friends from church. So helpful & ready & willing to truly excercise the love of God. To practice God's love NOT just 'talk' about it.

I cannot begin to describe how much this touches NOT only my heart but all the way to the core of my soul.

I *THINK* this may be just a taste of what my H feels towards me & the grace I have shown him within our marriage. Something that I rarely give a second thought too but I know touches him deeply.

We are not only given 'advice' & 'prayer' which are always things to be appreciated & are, but also tangible gifts. Useful gifts.

*sniff sniff* happy tears!

I truly hope that I can be of service to another in the same way someday.
I hope that MY life will be a blessing to someone.

Words, words, words

Proverbs 18:20-21
From the fruit of his mouth a man's stomach is filled; with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied. The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat his fruit.

Considering, I am, obviously a word lover...this 'proverb for the day' REALLY grabbed my attention. Also when you consider the fact that women have a need to use almost 3x as many words than men per day.....

Am I producing bitter fruit w/ my words? Or can the fruit of my mouth be used to satisfy others? to minister others? to feed others?

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, QUIT looking @ me!!!

You ever meet someone so similar in personality to yourself that @ first you just LOVE it & them to pieces. You figure that FINALLY you have met someone that really UNDERSTANDS your POV, thinks like you, analyzes things like you ect.

But then....you also start to see that they possess some of the same weaknesses as you. Except you can only recognize it because you have grown past them. You have realized how immature that line of thinking or judgemental attitude was. You cringe when you recognize it within a friend. At least I do.

What do you do? Can you confront another in love? Will they even listen? I think it depends on what YOU would do when you were @ that point in your life. When I was 'like that' would I have listened if someone told me I was wrong? I can honestly say it would have depended on how strongly I held my opinion to begin w/. kwim?

I can look back & w/ shame remember when I was too hard on someone but so sure I was RIGHT. And sometimes I may have been. But the problem was, back then, I cared more about being right then not. Although I never would have recognized it. I thought by proving I was right, I WAS being 'loving'. I was sharing 'in love'.

I have also realized that I was also wrong on many things too.

Other times I was actually naively ignorant. I didn't realize that I basically, was talking out of my bu++! Now after a few more years of crows feet, heartaches & stretch marks under my belt, I can see things much more clearly. LOL

I have a slower tongue, choose my battles & sometimes actually remain QUIET! {gasp}.

I hope that will be the case for my friend. I hope the lesson can be learned before it's too late. Words can wound, whether we realize it or not. Those wounds are not just for the person we focused them towards but also will pierce our heart when that realization comes that you are the one responsible for the wound of another's heart.

My DD almost drowned today!

It's exactly like they say on all those summer public service announcements: it all happened w/ in a split second & there was NO noise.

All the children had gotten out of the pool. Sam & liberty took their floaties off. We were all on the deck starting to get snacks & drinks ect. I turned & saw Liberty IN the center of the jacuzzi, w/ her hands up, going under & under, she could NOT touch.

Immediately, I yelled her name & ran & jumped in & grabbed her. I was fully clothed & I even jumped in w/ my flip-flops. She was calm but you could see the fear in her eyes & relief when I pulled her out. She was not sputtering, she had held her breath. She was quiet. NO crying, no talking or anything. Just quiet.

I hugged her & held her tight, wrapped her in a warm dry towel & thought: I NEVER wanted to let her go again! I felt like crying afterwards, the stress you know. But I didn't. I just held her for a long time. Said quite a few verbal Thank you to God & His angels for watching my girl.

Everyone 'Amened' to that!

It's so easy to take everyday for granted. The truth is that we don't know when our final day is gonna be. God does & I know he has it all pre-planned but I am very grateful that for my dd, it was NOT today. God took the time to remind me today, again, how important these days are.

How UNimportant it was this morning to fight w/ my little daughter to get her hair brushed just right. How UNimportant it is to rush her out the door to get to a bar-b-que. How UNimportant it is to get upset over a messy bedroom.

AND how IMPORTANT it is to hug my child a little longer today. How important it is to hold her close when she was cold but didn't want to change out of her dress. How important it was to make sure my son had a little extra chocolate cake, even if we were on our way out the door.

Nothing like a good ol' scare to whip those priorities into shape hanh?

I didn't even mind sitting around in wet jeans afterwards either.