I feel SO blessed.

When things are going *well*.

But what about if things are not? Am I not blessed when they are not?

I was visiting w/ a friend recently & sharing how I feel *so* special, like *extra* special because I feel *so* blessed...then I wake up today to realize some things that I thought are really not.

$$$ is still an issue & reality when your DH is unemployed. It's bad enough we cannot fulfill our debts & financial obligations @ this time, but then to realize that some things I thought we could pay, we are unable. It's disappointing.

Did God let me down?
Was I wrong in saying He was providing for my needs?
Did *I* do something wrong?
Was I frivolous or did I mismanage?

No.

The reality is I'm still in the storm, the eye of it. But God has not left my side, nor does it mean I am no longer blessed.

I merely need to look around me & see the abundance within my life, even during time of need.
Stick to the truth, ignore the lies of the enemy.

I have plenty of food & a nice roof over my head. I don't mean that as : @ least I have those things, I mean it sincerely.

We live in a pretty nice house considering the economy & the rent is ridiculously cheap for what we have & our area.

My DH is unemployed & yet most would *never* know it if I did not tell them. I don't have to walk around looking sorrowful & sad. I can walk w/ my head held high, a spring in my step & joy in my heart. How can I rejoice in my humility?

Isn't that what we are supposed to do? Rejoice through all times? Count it all joy when you encounter trials & tribulations?
Am I supposed to *look poor*?
Am I to feel bad or guilty cause I know I am blessed?
Not any more than those w/ well paying jobs & secure incomes who are also striving to follow the Lord's leading in their lives & are also blessed.

I am humbled. Who am I that the Lord would see to bless *me*?
Do I deserve to be blessed any more or less then the next?

I think the *real* question is: What do I do w/ this?
What *can* I do w/ this?

For example, I do not really have to worry about my food budget right now.
I don't have any extra cash but I do have cupboards over-flowing w/ food. So I find ways to minister & contribute food items. It's what I have...I could prolly do more.

I sometimes think because my DH is unemployed my family & I must *appear* down & out. Do I really need to have my children wear shoes w/ holes? Or clothes w/ holes?

Is that the God I serve?
There may be times when he calls a person or family to specifically do just that...but when I look to His word, I see the verses about how He clothes the lilies of the fields, & commands to specifically NOT worry about what we will eat & what we will wear, because He cares & He will provide.

Also, because when we realize what is truly important, our relationship w/ Him, those things do not matter. I am learning each & every day, to pray for each & every thing I consider a need.

It is amazing what has been happening within my life in that regard.

Even something as simple as my challenging maternity wardrobe. I could make due w/ what I have...a couple pairs of maternity pants & shirts. It might get boring after awhile but it's comfortable & good enough. I did not whine, I did not complain (ok I might have whined once to DH but he was teasing me about wearing a 'good year' shirt! lol). Then what happens? A friend, w/o knowing my frustration, brings me a BOX of maternity wear. I'm talking NICE stuff. I have more pairs of maternity pants then I even know what to do w/.

My youngest son was feeling like he needed new shoes. Offering to save his *own* money for them, even. I told him he didn't need to do that...but to pray & ask God first. Next thing I know, his nana is commenting that he needs shoes & gave him $$$$ specifically for that, & for his siblings as well.

One of our cars just broke down, quite unexpectedly. I'm learning though. I didn't have that familiar sinking feeling of despair. I just thought, bummer, I'll pray about that & petition God about it & we'll see what happens. PTL we still have another car that God just provided much needed new brakes for & handled the registration for us too.

Sometimes God uses others to provide for these needs. A few times it has literally been a check in the mail, NOT from private donors either. Totally unexpected windfalls.

Like the Manna I wrote about before....God provides just enough for our immediate need. I keep thinking I need to *save*, jic. Just in case what? My desire to *save* is really, for me, a lack of trust. Like the Israelites....but God has not told me to save & there has been NO opportunity. No doubt there is a time & place for that & to be financially prudent.

But for this time in my life, it's been about trusting God fully and literally day to day.

And *that* has made all the difference.

Where is this coming from?

I am not by nature, optimistic.
Seriously...or have you noticed? lol

But for some reason, during what could be considered an extremely difficult season in my life...I pretty much have nothing but hope. I do feel discouraged still, but now it's so fleeting.

I keep wondering...what the? Where am I & what have you done w/ me?

I'm not complaining...just saying. Maybe it's all the positive pg hormones? Nah! I've been depressed & pg before. I believe it's God's amazing grace manifesting itself within my soul.

Plus the fact that I am {*finally*?} learning how faithful God truly is. I always felt He was faithful to *others*. He blessed *others*. But just not me...He had some other less then sparkly plans for me...nothing out of the ordinary, just average....basically, always felt & believed I was on my own.

I'm not special, not in any extraordinary sense. I'm not a super-woman, super-mom or super-anything. Except by the grace of God & His choice to die *for* me personally. And yet here I am...feeling like one of the *most* blessed women I've ever known. lol

IN amazing ways & in ordinary ways...Everyday I see God blessing me. I am so undeserving yet He remains. A word of encouragement here, a shared vision there, tingles up my spine to see the radiant smile of someone I've just prayed for. Healing, provision, surprises, laughter, peace.

More than anything & the main difference, is the HOPE! The hope I have for a bright future. A wonderful year. & believe me, I am not in a place where I can see this in the physical realm. I can not see anything to lead me to believe that this year is going to be any better, more productive or fruitful then last year. Except for the Hope God has supernaturally put within me.

And it's not even like the hope I used to feel...that says: well, I hope, maybe, if God wants, if I'm lucky, things will improve if I do X,Y,Z. NO!

It's an assured Hope. I *know* things are going to go well. Maybe I have lowered my standards & expectations---which still, if I have, then it's only because God has aligned them more w/ His priorities.

It's a confidence that I *know* God will provide all my needs. He cares about me & all the fine details.

I really can't believe how excited I am for this year. Why?

I just know w/ all my heart that this year is going to bring some amazing experiences & testimony of God's power & might. How? I don't know. When other's ask me how I'm doing...for the first time, if ever in my life, I can honestly, sincerely answer: I am going GREAT! :-)

I don't know...maybe there's just been an invasion of the Body Snatchers? Or I've finally turned into a Stepford Wife?

No one has everything!

Ya know, it's so easy to look @ another person's life & see that *they* have something we don't. Prolly something we want. But if we *really* look closely...we all have something someone else doesn't & maybe they want.

I'm having a baby. I've never struggled w/ a fertility issue. This baby was totally UNplanned. And yet...my DH is UNemployed & we've always pretty much struggled financially.

I know other's who are well off financially but yet, can't conceive.

Or couples who appear to have the perfect marriage but are flat broke...

*Everyone* longs for something.

I can sit & wonder *why* does it seem my life is destined for financial failure while others are not. They can sit & ask *why* is their life destined for fertility failure & other's not? Why are teen aged, unwed girls who could care less about having children, getting pg when there are grown, responsible women who cannot?

I don't know.
But God does.

None of have worse or better lives than the next. But we most certainly have different lives. God has each of us in our current place in life, facing different struggles & difficulties...because He enjoys seeing us squirm & suffer? NO! I believe he grieves w/ our losses. But He also wants us to grow & wants to challenge us to draw near to Him.

No one has a *perfect* life. Not one. It's foolish to assume so.

Everyone, @ any given moment is struggling w/ something.
It's not to take pleasure in seeing another suffer.
I believe, it's to realize that God has allowed each of us to be in different circumstances & situations that are personal & personally challenging.

Everyone has thier *thing*, thier weakness, if you may. In talking w/ friends, it also sounds like many of us are coming/reaching the same conclusions in these trialsome times.....do we trust God or not?

In good times AND in bad, disappointing times? When our lives aren't turning out as we imagined? Do we trust His will over & above our own? Beyond our own hopes, dreams & desires?

Are we willing to submit & turn over *all* of our hopes, dreams & desires? No matter what the cost? Even if we *never* get what we *want*? Even if we *never* get our hearts desire?

We can not focus on what we don't have or what we believe everyone else *does* have. We need only focus on the Christ & our relationship w/ HIM!