My Serious Sideways

Precious Alice

2010-03-21T21:59:00.001-07:00

Recently I saw the movies Precious and Alice in Wonderland. Precious is not a movie I would normally watch, given the content but the main actress was nominated for an academy award. Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland....well who could resist?

First I must say, Precious is a very *hard* movie, hard to watch, hard to listen to, very hard. period. I do not recommend viewing it if you have ever had any experience with physical, sexual or any type of abuse.

Alice, if you are familiar with the classic tale, is a fantastical journey through an imaginary place. I loved the costumes but it was given a Tim Burton twist so I can't say there was much more about it. Take it or leave it.

I realized that both of these movies actually have very much in common. Both feature a female as the main character. One, Precious, it told only negative things her entire life. She has a very nice name, the word precious, but she is treated as anything BUT 'precious'. Ironic? She is severely abused, told she is worthless and stupid. For her, it is her identity--her identity is that she is 'nothing'.

Alice enters wonderland and is immediately questioned whether or not she is THEE Alice. The Alice they are looking for is supposed to do something 'great'. Alice insists she is Alice, just not that Alice. There are a few that insist she is that Alice and others that insist she is not that Alice.

Both these heroines, in both these stories, journey toward finding their true identities.

Precious does not believe she is anything more than what she has been told her whole life: nothing. For her, it was through education that she begins to discover she was something more. Alice, in denial that she could be anything more, chooses to run away from who she was destined to be. That very choice, leads her right to her very purpose, thus becoming her destiny after all.

How many of us are destined for more? How many us find it unfathomable that we could be anything more than we are today, or yesterday? Why wouldn't you be destined for greatness? Why are we afraid to become more? Alice wanted something more but was too afraid to find out what that was. She ran away from the possibilities until she truly had no other choice, thus becoming exactly who she was running away from, afraid of being. Let go of fear!

Precious, well, she had no idea she could even be something more. Others encouraged her. Others came along side her and helped her to see the truth, she could learn, she was worth teaching. She was not 'stupid'. Sometimes God puts other people in our lives that will encourage us to reach our full potential in Christ. Maybe you are one of those people that encourages others.

Other times, like Precious, we have no idea our identity is anything more than what others perceive it to be. It's can be scary to realize you are not what you thought you were....you are something more.

What will you do when you realize you are MORE? When you know WHO you are, WHAT will you DO?

The Cocoon

2010-02-24T16:00:00.000-08:00

Did you know that when a butterfly is in a cocoon and begins to emerge, it *must* fight it's way out on it's own. If you 'help' it, it will not have enough strength to fly away.

You see, the struggle, to emerge from the cocoon, to free itself from it's ugly black covering, is the exact thing it needs to get it's blood pumping into it's wings. The struggle is what strengthens it enough to flap those wings and fly away. No one can help and if they do, they will actually harm more than help. If the butterfly is not strong enough to fly away, it will starve and die.
Many times we experience those moments in our lives. Sometimes we may not even realize it. Does the butterfly know it's in a cocoon? I don't know. Maybe we don't want change and we fight against it. That very fight, that strength of will, is the very thing that is going to enable us to come out and fly away.

Fly away towards the path God has intended. Fly away from a wounded past that has been holding us back. Fly away for a better view of the world around us. The thing is, no one can help us out of the cocoon. And we can't help another out of their cocoon either. They must fight their way out on their own, lest they lose the ability to build the strength they need. It may feel lonely but it has it's purpose, to build endurance, to build life.

Maybe we do want change and we are fighting to speed up the process. We want OUT and we want out NOW. Are we fully developed enough yet though? Can you hurry change? Has a butterfly ever rushed to escape it's cocoon? If it did would it emerge, perhaps, with only a partial wing? I don't believe a flying creature will be able to fly very well with a partial wing.

The end result of the process will be nice. Don't we all want to be butterflies? Perhaps not. What if we are called to fly away, to use our wings? Will we be leaving behind some dearly beloved caterpillars? That is a fear. A valid fear? Does the butterfly emerge and look back as it flies away? Does it long to be back in the ugly cocoon? I really don't think so.

I imagine, once it feels the freedom, the release from the captivity of that dark cocoon, all fear is gone. All that is felt is the rush of the blood pumping, admiration of the new view, no more looking at dirt all day.

Change can be hard. It can be scary. I think it's ok to struggle with it. We can be afraid of change, it's a challenge. I believe the struggle IS the key component. The butterfly would never emerge as a butterfly, not a living one anyway, if it did not struggle.

Long Term Investments

2009-10-17T22:15:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that we are living in a very fast paced, technologically advanced age. Our kids have no idea what it is to wait to purchase an album when they can get any song in virtually seconds, online. Saving up to buy something? Why? With instant credit.

How impatient do we get when our DSL takes a more than a few seconds to upload a page. We can be contacted at any given moment via cell phone, instant messages, instant email, instant pictures, instant updates.....most everything is immediate & if it is *not*...Yikes!

I'm not writing anything new or that you don't already know.

However, this is all man's timing. Our technology and pace of life may have changed but the truth is God's has not. A tree takes the same amount of time to mature today, as it did 2000 years ago. A baby still takes about 9 months to fully mature to birth. Flowers are not produced instantaneously, they must all start from seeds. Fruit still grows on trees.

God has not changed his timing. We are under His concept of time, not ours. We can get so rushed sometimes and feel frustrated when we do not see instant results; in ministry, in our personal lives, relationships, in answers. Right? Are we expecting instant messages form God? How hard is it for us to pray and WAIT for an answer? How long are we willing to wait, if we even do.

John the Baptist, I have decided, is my Biblical hero. I love everything I have read about him from the Bible. But I think more of his mother. Elizabeth and Mary both were humbled and blessed to give birth to John and the Messiah himself.

Promises were given to them, about the children they carried in their womb but how long before their mission was actually fulfilled. We know Christ did not begin his ministry until he was 30 years old. 3 years later he was dead. How long Mary herself, had to wait, and I imagine, pray over her child, to see his mission and purpose fulfilled.

Elizabeth, how long she waited (and possibly given up hope) to have a child of her own and then to see his purpose fulfilled. Which then fulfilled their own very purpose..to raise up these men.

It can be easy to feel discouraged when we are not seeing immediate results. I challenge myself and anyone else who may read this to take time to wait. Wait for the investment pay off. Obedient children aren't born, they are raised. You don't wake up and run a marathon in one day. You must train for it.

The same goes for ministry or answers to prayer. Keep on keeping on. I believe the results of most of our efforts pay out in years. Don't stop praying. Don't give up. Don't stop training. Personally, I am beginning to see results of a vision I was given over 10 years ago! I can barely believe it myself. I didn't even believe it was possible when I first got the idea but it's happening. And it's quite possible if I had stayed the course from the beginning, it may have happened even sooner.

Remember, everything you do for the kingdom, is a LONG TERM INVESTMENT. The return may not be immediate. But it will be everlasting.

Let Freedom RING!

2009-07-04T19:50:00.000-07:00

Today is Independence Day! yes.

I realize that I have a few hidden parts of my life that keep me from being truly free. Free from the past. Free from reminders. Free from pain.

I decided to make a choice. I let it go. For me, it was a physical act of deleting a few things I was purposely holding onto. Why? I'm not sure exactly....a feeling of jic...

Then who was my trust really in? revenge? myself? Certainly not God if I was choosing to hold onto something *else*. Holding onto the past...today I choose to move forward & grab onto the *future*.
:-D

So today...I let it go.

delete. Delete. DELETE!!!

Goodbye forever!
& Good riddance.

Free at last, free at last. Thank the Lord I'm free at last!

Joseph was nothing special

2009-03-15T14:50:00.000-07:00

Many times, I think, as Christians we have (or others have) some special power that allows us to handle trials & hard times *better*. As if simply because we ARE Christians, trials are NOT that hard for us.

I completely disagree. I really learned a lot from Joseph recently. In my Bible readings the past few months I have really began to see how *human* we all are. Joseph was no different. A true man of God but he still wept, grieved & had hard times.

His brothers plot to *kill* him. WHO would not feel rejected & alone in a family like that? They end up selling him as a slave. How alone & scared he must've felt. Eventually he ends up in running a high ranking officials home. He is in entrusted & in charge of *everything*. It may appear @ first that he is living the *high life* & has no reason to complain, right? But he is still a *Servant*, which is proven when Potiphar's Wife tries to seduce him & he being a man of God refuses her advances & literally RUNS away.

She accuses him of impropriety & what happens to all that trust Potiphar had given him? Immediately it is shown that Potiphar's loyalty lies w/ his scheming wife. Where is justice? Joseph is now in jail for a crime he did not commit. Because he knew God are we to assume his life in jail was any better than the other prisoners? That it was not hard? That he did not miss his family because he was living in a rich man's house prior?

He finds favor even while in jail--but let's face it---it's JAIL! Eventually he is reinstated to a high position again. There is a famine in the land. It's been *years* since he's seen his family. Years.

I imagine he still thought about them, even though it is not mentioned.
What is mentioned & stood out to me, was how he reacted when he did see his family again.

They came seeking help because of the famine. When Joseph actually saw them---he did not immediately reveal who he was. They did not recognize him. So many times he looked @ them, then turned his back & wept in private. Why was he crying? I imagine all those years, he thought he would just not think about it. He would *move on* w/ his life...put the past behind him...right?

Like we try to do so many times & w/ so many issues in our own lives. Joseph was a man of God true. But he was not w/o pain, suffering, betrayal, abandonment & GRIEF! When he saw his brothers--imagine all that pain rushing back into his heart. All those memories that he may have thought he had forgotten & *gotten over*. IF so then why was he crying? Why did he keep his identity a secret from them?

I *think* it was because he was so confused. Torn between wanting vengeance & justice & feeling that longing to be part of his family again. All those issues resurfacing---even YEARS later!

I don't believe God expects us to not feel sorrow & pain over offenses. I believe he knows how we feel. He wants to heal us but we need to acknowledge that we experience disappointment, sometimes major, within our lives. But He, in his infinite wisdom knows how to gently lead us to the path of forgiveness, restoration & reconciliation. Eventually Joseph reconciles w/ his brothers & father. He forgives them, treats them very well & renews some form of relationship w/ them.

It is not immediate though. He did not deny, to himself, what they had done. He did not rush to them & embrace them as brothers. He messed w/ them a bit, actually.

Forgiveness, IMO, does not mean we need to deny offenses we have endured or experienced. I don't believe it even happens over night. I believe it is a process. There is a wide range of emotions & feelings to sort out after we have been mistreated. There is no shame in that.

But we can trust God to work those things out within us. I don't believe we can do it on our own. I think the first step is admitting how painful or hurt we are. & trusting God to work out the details within our hearts. He can create a sense/spirit of forgiveness within our souls. Some offenses are easier to forgive then others. Some take less time to process & *get over*.

But none the less, we need not deny when we have been abuse & hurt.

IMO

Loving the UNloveable

2009-02-19T17:54:00.000-08:00

Through out my life I've heard numerous sermons on loving the unlovable. Most often the example has been given of people loving dirty, homeless people. EEEwwwweeee yuck! right?

But I am realizing it's EASY to love a homeless person. Give them some $$$, or some food, smile & send them on their merry way. That's loving them right? If you're brave enough, give them a hug. Seems easy enough to me.

But you know what...I am realizing it's much more & much harder than *that*!

It's the people IN your actual life, that you must deal w/ maybe cause they are members of your very own family that continuously rub you the wrong way. kwim?

Those are the people that I am finding the most challenging to *love*! It's ridiculous but true.

You expect something from family members. You expect certain behaviors, be honest. You expect consideration, graciousness, mutual respect. Sometimes you don't get any of that though. Instead you get crazy, immature, disappointing behavior that leads yout o want *nothing* to do w/ these people EVER again---but they are *family*!!!

HOW to love those unloveable people we can *not* get away form. Theya re not some stranger we can give a bottle of water to & bless as they go along thier way & we never see again. They are IN thier lives, prechosen by God to be relatives. You did not choose them & perhaps if you had been given the choice, you would NOT have chosen them. lol God has though.

Where is *that* sermon about loving the unloveable? Loving the hard to love that you must see & interact w/ on a regular basis.

That is my current challenge/struggle. I plan to rise to it though, by the Grace of God within me....

I feel SO blessed.

2009-01-20T16:29:00.000-08:00

When things are going *well*.

But what about if things are not? Am I not blessed when they are not?

I was visiting w/ a friend recently & sharing how I feel *so* special, like *extra* special because I feel *so* blessed...then I wake up today to realize some things that I thought are really not.

$$$ is still an issue & reality when your DH is unemployed. It's bad enough we cannot fulfill our debts & financial obligations @ this time, but then to realize that some things I thought we could pay, we are unable. It's disappointing.

Did God let me down?
Was I wrong in saying He was providing for my needs?
Did *I* do something wrong?
Was I frivolous or did I mismanage?

No.

The reality is I'm still in the storm, the eye of it. But God has not left my side, nor does it mean I am no longer blessed.

I merely need to look around me & see the abundance within my life, even during time of need.
Stick to the truth, ignore the lies of the enemy.

I have plenty of food & a nice roof over my head. I don't mean that as : @ least I have those things, I mean it sincerely.

We live in a pretty nice house considering the economy & the rent is ridiculously cheap for what we have & our area.

My DH is unemployed & yet most would *never* know it if I did not tell them. I don't have to walk around looking sorrowful & sad. I can walk w/ my head held high, a spring in my step & joy in my heart. How can I rejoice in my humility?

Isn't that what we are supposed to do? Rejoice through all times? Count it all joy when you encounter trials & tribulations?
Am I supposed to *look poor*?
Am I to feel bad or guilty cause I know I am blessed?
Not any more than those w/ well paying jobs & secure incomes who are also striving to follow the Lord's leading in their lives & are also blessed.

I am humbled. Who am I that the Lord would see to bless *me*?
Do I deserve to be blessed any more or less then the next?

I think the *real* question is: What do I do w/ this?
What *can* I do w/ this?

For example, I do not really have to worry about my food budget right now.
I don't have any extra cash but I do have cupboards over-flowing w/ food. So I find ways to minister & contribute food items. It's what I have...I could prolly do more.

I sometimes think because my DH is unemployed my family & I must *appear* down & out. Do I really need to have my children wear shoes w/ holes? Or clothes w/ holes?

Is that the God I serve?
There may be times when he calls a person or family to specifically do just that...but when I look to His word, I see the verses about how He clothes the lilies of the fields, & commands to specifically NOT worry about what we will eat & what we will wear, because He cares & He will provide.

Also, because when we realize what is truly important, our relationship w/ Him, those things do not matter. I am learning each & every day, to pray for each & every thing I consider a need.

It is amazing what has been happening within my life in that regard.

Even something as simple as my challenging maternity wardrobe. I could make due w/ what I have...a couple pairs of maternity pants & shirts. It might get boring after awhile but it's comfortable & good enough. I did not whine, I did not complain (ok I might have whined once to DH but he was teasing me about wearing a 'good year' shirt! lol). Then what happens? A friend, w/o knowing my frustration, brings me a BOX of maternity wear. I'm talking NICE stuff. I have more pairs of maternity pants then I even know what to do w/.

My youngest son was feeling like he needed new shoes. Offering to save his *own* money for them, even. I told him he didn't need to do that...but to pray & ask God first. Next thing I know, his nana is commenting that he needs shoes & gave him $$$$ specifically for that, & for his siblings as well.

One of our cars just broke down, quite unexpectedly. I'm learning though. I didn't have that familiar sinking feeling of despair. I just thought, bummer, I'll pray about that & petition God about it & we'll see what happens. PTL we still have another car that God just provided much needed new brakes for & handled the registration for us too.

Sometimes God uses others to provide for these needs. A few times it has literally been a check in the mail, NOT from private donors either. Totally unexpected windfalls.

Like the Manna I wrote about before....God provides just enough for our immediate need. I keep thinking I need to *save*, jic. Just in case what? My desire to *save* is really, for me, a lack of trust. Like the Israelites....but God has not told me to save & there has been NO opportunity. No doubt there is a time & place for that & to be financially prudent.

But for this time in my life, it's been about trusting God fully and literally day to day.

And *that* has made all the difference.

Where is this coming from?

2009-01-05T23:35:00.000-08:00

I am not by nature, optimistic.
Seriously...or have you noticed? lol

But for some reason, during what could be considered an extremely difficult season in my life...I pretty much have nothing but hope. I do feel discouraged still, but now it's so fleeting.

I keep wondering...what the? Where am I & what have you done w/ me?

I'm not complaining...just saying. Maybe it's all the positive pg hormones? Nah! I've been depressed & pg before. I believe it's God's amazing grace manifesting itself within my soul.

Plus the fact that I am {*finally*?} learning how faithful God truly is. I always felt He was faithful to *others*. He blessed *others*. But just not me...He had some other less then sparkly plans for me...nothing out of the ordinary, just average....basically, always felt & believed I was on my own.

I'm not special, not in any extraordinary sense. I'm not a super-woman, super-mom or super-anything. Except by the grace of God & His choice to die *for* me personally. And yet here I am...feeling like one of the *most* blessed women I've ever known. lol

IN amazing ways & in ordinary ways...Everyday I see God blessing me. I am so undeserving yet He remains. A word of encouragement here, a shared vision there, tingles up my spine to see the radiant smile of someone I've just prayed for. Healing, provision, surprises, laughter, peace.

More than anything & the main difference, is the HOPE! The hope I have for a bright future. A wonderful year. & believe me, I am not in a place where I can see this in the physical realm. I can not see anything to lead me to believe that this year is going to be any better, more productive or fruitful then last year. Except for the Hope God has supernaturally put within me.

And it's not even like the hope I used to feel...that says: well, I hope, maybe, if God wants, if I'm lucky, things will improve if I do X,Y,Z. NO!

It's an assured Hope. I *know* things are going to go well. Maybe I have lowered my standards & expectations---which still, if I have, then it's only because God has aligned them more w/ His priorities.

It's a confidence that I *know* God will provide all my needs. He cares about me & all the fine details.

I really can't believe how excited I am for this year. Why?

I just know w/ all my heart that this year is going to bring some amazing experiences & testimony of God's power & might. How? I don't know. When other's ask me how I'm doing...for the first time, if ever in my life, I can honestly, sincerely answer: I am going GREAT! :-)

I don't know...maybe there's just been an invasion of the Body Snatchers? Or I've finally turned into a Stepford Wife?

No one has everything!

2009-01-03T02:01:00.000-08:00

Ya know, it's so easy to look @ another person's life & see that *they* have something we don't. Prolly something we want. But if we *really* look closely...we all have something someone else doesn't & maybe they want.

I'm having a baby. I've never struggled w/ a fertility issue. This baby was totally UNplanned. And yet...my DH is UNemployed & we've always pretty much struggled financially.

I know other's who are well off financially but yet, can't conceive.

Or couples who appear to have the perfect marriage but are flat broke...

*Everyone* longs for something.

I can sit & wonder *why* does it seem my life is destined for financial failure while others are not. They can sit & ask *why* is their life destined for fertility failure & other's not? Why are teen aged, unwed girls who could care less about having children, getting pg when there are grown, responsible women who cannot?

I don't know.
But God does.

None of have worse or better lives than the next. But we most certainly have different lives. God has each of us in our current place in life, facing different struggles & difficulties...because He enjoys seeing us squirm & suffer? NO! I believe he grieves w/ our losses. But He also wants us to grow & wants to challenge us to draw near to Him.

No one has a *perfect* life. Not one. It's foolish to assume so.

Everyone, @ any given moment is struggling w/ something.
It's not to take pleasure in seeing another suffer.
I believe, it's to realize that God has allowed each of us to be in different circumstances & situations that are personal & personally challenging.

Everyone has thier *thing*, thier weakness, if you may. In talking w/ friends, it also sounds like many of us are coming/reaching the same conclusions in these trialsome times.....do we trust God or not?

In good times AND in bad, disappointing times? When our lives aren't turning out as we imagined? Do we trust His will over & above our own? Beyond our own hopes, dreams & desires?

Are we willing to submit & turn over *all* of our hopes, dreams & desires? No matter what the cost? Even if we *never* get what we *want*? Even if we *never* get our hearts desire?

We can not focus on what we don't have or what we believe everyone else *does* have. We need only focus on the Christ & our relationship w/ HIM!

Time to get Anchored

2008-12-15T12:12:00.000-08:00

I've prayed in the past for various people, family members & for myself, to build a firm foundation in Christ & Christ alone.

But you know what? The foundation has already been there, since I was a child. I may have strayed from the blue prints @ times, but the foundation was always there & enabled me to return to the original plan.

Now, though, forget the foundation. It's time to ANCHOR ourselves to the Lord.

We need to secure ourselves to Him so that we won't be swayed by the shifting winds & stormy seas. We need to securely fasten ourselves to our Lord, Jesus Christ.

That has become my new prayer. The foundation is there. We *know* the core & basics of our faith...but what are we doing w/ it? Are we swaying when times get tough? Are we shifting course left & right, searching for comfort or a new direction?

It's time to settle in! To be firm & in place. Nothing can hold us firmer than the anchor of the Lord. He is our rock. Only w/ an anchor will we never be swayed to & fro.

Only if we cling w/ everything we have, to Him & Him alone will we remain steadfast & unshaken during the storms.

My prayers have moved beyond now....I am now praying for myself, my family to be securely *anchored* to the Lord.

It's ALL Gonna Burn!

2008-11-16T10:51:00.000-08:00

CA has been experiencing wildfires recently. Combined w/ a statewide drought & dry weather, & it's out of control, causing millions if not more, in damages to homes & irreplaceable forests & wildlife.

Ash is raining down on everything in my neighborhood. Our chests are tight & it's hard to breathe.

But you know what? It's quite an object lesson. *Everything* we have, own & hold dear to us, materially speaking, is gonna burn in the end. There is nothing on this Earth that we can take w/ us. Not even relationships.

What are we doing or producing that will have any eternal effect? kwim?

There is only *one* thing that will last & that is a relationship w/ Jesus Christ, our savior. Are we reproducing that? Are we sharing that opportunity w/ others? Consistently?

All our wordly goods, though enjoyable, really mean nothing, in the grand scheme of things. And all the actions, everything we *do* will be tested & judged @ that time when it is passed through the fire. What will we have to offer? What will we have to show for our time here?

A collection of items? A closet of clothes? Knick knacks? Books?

Or have we loved as Christ loves? Have we given as Christ has given? Have we sacrificed as Christ sacrificed? Have we served the poor? Helped the needy? Cared for the widows & orphans?

Or will our lives go through that fire & produce nothing but grey ash & dust?

The World is flipping out!

2008-11-10T22:42:00.001-08:00

There is madness all around me, seriously. People are upset over the election & hate is rising up. The economy is dying, globally. Something is really in the air..although yesterday it was really windy & that felt like it cleansed a bit.

I can clearly see faithful Christians being attacked on every side, in bizarre ways.
H losing jobs, families going on public assistance, mothers becoming very ill, finances a wreck, appliances going kaput...& yet God provides.

Is it a test or the enemy on the prowl?

Things just feel different.
I don't know if I can explain what is in my heart & what I'm sensing around me....but it's time to really take stock of our lives, examine who we are & what we're doing---in & for Christ.
Are we really living as Christ has called us to live?

Cause times are going to get harder around us & we need to be prepared
I have more to say about this but my mind is tired right now, more later.

Manna

2008-10-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

Last week I led the study for our youth group. It was on the chapter in Exodus when God first introduces Manna to the Israelites.

i am familiar w/ this story, I understand it is about God's provision.
What I wanted to focus on & what I got out of it, reading it this time was something new.

When the Israelites received the manna, the first thing they said was: What is it? That is actually, literally what the word manna means: What is it. It was something they had never seen before.

I am sure the Israelites had an idea of HOW they wanted God to provide for them. I believe they had a familiar idea. What God provided was not familiar though.

It was new & strange & His provision had some 'strings' attached, you might say. It was only there in the morning, by noon it melted away. If they tried to take care of themselves, by gathering more than was needed for the day, the manna rotted & became filled w/ maggots. Lovely.

I think the disciples also had a preconceived idea of how Jesus was going to 'save' them. And although they physically walked w/ Jesus & he warned them, I still think they were surprised how everything went down in the end. Their God, Jesus was DEAD! Not in a coma, not sleeping, but D.E.A.D dead!

Yet, Christ's death was God's perfect provision for us. He knew that it was the only provision that would really work & provide the perfect atonement & sacrifice for our sins, the only way for us to spend eternity w/ Him.

Now, in our lives, we often go to God w/ our needs & I'm sure we have an idea in our head of how that need should get met. Are we willing to accept the way God meets our need? Especially if it looks so different from what we have in mind? If it is so UNfamiliar? Do we trust God that He will meet our needs, provide for us, in the BEST way possible?

That was the challenge. God promises to provide for us....but it may not look like any 'provision' we've ever imagined....but it will be the BEST!

Hope in Crisis

2008-10-18T21:56:00.000-07:00

It's that scene you see in movies sometimes...there is a character, @ the top of a building, about to JUMP & end their life. People are looking up in horror screaming for them NOT to jump but the potential jumper is oblivious. Then 'help' arrives in the form of a hero or something. They try to reason w/ the jumper but the jumper just can't get it. Then that moment comes, the camera zooms in & you see the face, the eyes & the hero stops talking & simply states: Give me your hand. They are almost pleading, just give me your hand. The jumper can finally hear, for a moment & stares @ that hand, wanting so bad to reach out & grab it but struggling w/ that feeling that it's too good to be true that there might be hope. Convinced that the ONLY way out is to JUMP! You can feel the extreme tension, your on the edge of your seat. If they just reach out & take the hand, you know they want to...but will they? You see how torn they are.

When I was experiencing a living nightmare, incredible heartbreak & confusion...where or how did I find hope?

I remember a moment...it was an incredibly hurtful event & situation. I'll spare the gory details...but I found myself in an ugly situation w/ my DH. He was acting in such a disgusting, unrecognizable manner. (it was the middle of the 'nightmare') I was screaming & insulting him, telling him how disgusting he was & how disgusted I was w/ him & his behavior. (real nice, huh?)

He stood there quiet, where previously he was mocking me & being utterly cruel & heartless.

But a thought flashed across my mind after I screamed how disgusting he was: God said to me: I know you are & I still love you. I nearly broke down right then & there in front of my DH. I looked @ him & for a flash, a split second, I could see into his heart. I could see HIS brokenness & need, his own pain. His desire & wish to make it all right, to fix it but not knowing how, thinking he was too far gone....I saw it & knew there was a part of him that longed to be back on the other side, on our side, w/ me & our family. It was only a flash, I can't explain it, but it was there.

In that split second, in the only way I could, I reached out to him verbally & said, w/ a crack in my voice: And...I would still take you back.Then as quick as I saw his longing & desperation, the self-loathing & guilt took over & the wall came up, displayed once again in anger. But it had been there, I saw it & it moved me. I knew then there was hope...if he could just recognize it & choose NOT to jump.

In that awful, overwhelming, & heartbreaking moment, I received hope. *I* grabbed onto it myself. God gave me a glimpse of His view of us. And He's there, w/ his hand out, gently asking us to take His hand. He sees into our hearts, into our souls.

I was able to recognize my own DH despair & knew there was hope for us, beyond the anger, the pain & the heartbreak.

I was moved to compassion & felt hope.

Eventually...he was able to cross over, reach out & grab *my* hand. We then stepped away from the edge of the 'roof', together.

Surprise!

2008-08-30T18:45:00.000-07:00

So just when I was getting used to the idea of my life NOT being how I imagined or planned...God throws me a curveball! Right back where I started?

I am honest w/ God, figure he knows how I feel & what I think anyway, the good, bad AND the ugly, so might as well be forthcoming & admit it, right? I let Him know I wasn't happy about all the change that was now taking place in my life & the shattering of all MY dreams. But @ the same time, I was willing to trust HIM, in all things.

I trusted that He knew better. I chose to stop kicking & screaming & submit to His will, even if I might not like it or it seemed disappointing.

I trusted He had even greater things in store for me.

I was SO blessed to be able to go on a trip of a lifetime to Ethiopia. Hoping I would be able to go back next year....

Well, guess what? I most certainly will NOT be going back next year.

I was disappointed that it seemed my dream of having large family may never be realized. But I trusted God & gave up that 'idea'. I focused on all the positives of my life, as it is. I grieved & mourned, no doubt, of the loss of my dreams, but again, I trusted God.

I faced, what looked like, my 'new path'. Started making 'new' plans, setting new goals & new dreams....Sometimes I felt confused as to what that path really was going to look like.

But again, leaning NOT on my own understanding, but trusting on God's Word & His voice to guide me.

Then, as suddenly as I came to accept it...'it' changed!

I imagine God has such a sense of humor, possibly reserved JUST for ME! lol I'm pg! WHAT?

I finally get used to the idea of NOT being & all the positives of having self sufficient children...& BAM!

WHY? I wonder? Why go through all that grieving & mourning for what was not to be, just to have it be ANYWAY? Silly God. lol

Perhaps it was to get me to a place of being willing to submit to ALL things, IN all things.
Now, it most certainly is the WORST timing ever!
Not planned, NOT trying--& yet--here we are.

Since it IS the worst timing ever...I am forced even more to rely on my Holy one...for mercy as I know I can not get through this on my own strength or fortitude, not my own grit. I can't do it! I'm telling you. I'm warning you? Warning who? lol

Such an amazing & wonderful blessing when we are scraping by? Can-barely-afford-gas-in-our-car-to-get-to-work-to-afford-gas-in-our-car---scraping by!

Do I trust God in this? Will I? I choose too....@ this point, I feel I have no other choice, really. lol
God continues to stretch me by putting me in the most insane & uncomfortable positions that I can ONLY trust him--there is nothing else. No one else, not even myself.

He is my provider.
I am @ His mercy & I truly believe, it is right where He wants me...for whatever reason? lol
Bring on the Adventure! :-)

Venice Beach

2008-08-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

We took out Youth Group to Venice Beach on Tuesday....We met @ the 'Dream Center'. An organization & HUGE building that is doing AMAZING work for God. They minister to homeless people, primarily youth. They take sack lunches out to Venice Beach & surrounding communities & use that as a tool to offer prayers & blessings to the hurting.

They also have a rehab center & discipleship program.

I was impressed that they use this community center to actually teach the word of God, not just do 'community service' project. kwim?

I see so many organizations get more wrapped up in the community service projects & although motivated by the grace & love of God, somehow God ends up getting lost & the focus becomes soley community service.

It's a really strange & oppressive area. All along the boardwalk are palm readers, tarot card readers, A LOT of them! People selling stones & rocks w/ 'special meanings'. iykwim.

It didn't turn out as organized as I would have preferred but it was good. A good start for the youth & I believe quite eye opening.

A guy walked by me & actually kinda hit me. That was weird. He was walking by & then purposely put his arm out, for no reason & 'clotheslined' my abdomen. I believe it was spiritually motivated as there was no reason a normal person would have invaded some one's physical space like that. kwim? It slightly hurt.

I think the youth were moved by the gratefulness of the the recipients of the lunches.

We also incorporated the 'treasure hunt' we learned. I asked the students in my car if they wanted to try it. One agreed to try. SO ds & I instructed her to pray & ask God if there was anyone specific He wanted them to meet, minister to or talk to that day...they were a little confused & doubtful but we told her to write down what God gave her anyway.

It was a bit vague so I instructed her to pray & ask God for more details, she got: 'a boy & girl together' & the color 'red'.

Then she forgot about it.
Later she was w/ a group & they were talking to a young couple. The guy kept using the word 'together' which prompted her to remember her card. She pulled it out & realized the girl was wearing mostly all black w/ a large RED icon on her shirt!!!!

God is so good. She was really excited & it was an exciting testimony to share w/ the group afterwards.

Since Ethiopia....

2008-07-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

So many thoughts & directions to go in.

I believe I have been truly, heartfelted-ly changed since Ethiopia. How could I not be right?

But the main thing was having to really examine my life, it's value & worth & how much am I willing toactually give it up for God? We got mixed messages & warnings form people regarding going toEthiopia. Some warned us, flat out, to NOT go. That caused me to really take a hard look @ myself & ask wha I was really willing to give up & sacrifice for God. Did I trust god enough to give up my very LIFE? if asked?

Or worse, did I trust God enough to land myself in a foreign jail, a million miles away from home?Did I trust God enough to care for my family if I was gone? For 2 weeks or forever?

I put my trust in God. I figure what IS my life if NOT God's? HE is my life. I want Him to be my life & what right to I have to it if it truly belongs to God anyway?

Thn upon returning...I was able to process everything more & more each day...what those people need, what we all need, is JESUS. Plain & simple. I can dig a well, I can send a child to school, I can feed the homeless & give them dollars. BUT w/ Christ, what is tomorrow? The well will have no eternal value. Th dollar will help them for today. Ony Jesus Christ, as their personal Lord & Savior can save them provide for thier needs.

Not to discount how serving others & providing for thier physical needs is important. It can be a means to be able to share the everlasting love of Jesus Christ but it is only a tool.

What people really need is Jesus. When the child is orphaned by AIDS, what is left? When the mother dies from AIDS, what is left? When the water is gone? When the money is gone? When the education is finished...then what?

W/o Christ as a foundation & root, w/o the ROCK of Jesus Christ, ALL is lost.

But eternity is eternity & that is really ALL that matters in this life.

SO what am *I* doing that is of any eternal value?
What am I doing to make a lasting impact on my family, friends, perfect strangers i meet on the street?

This is the 'place' I am in right now. Examining all I do. It can be overwhelming & I do have to stop sometimes but my focus is changing. I am beginning to weigh each day w/ a new scale. What have I accomplished that has any lasting value? Our time is short...but the challenge is still there none the less.

Is THIS the journey?

2008-05-17T17:22:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks go @ a morning service we've been attending regularly for about a month....2 members went around & prayed for each person, prophetically or encouragingly, however the Lord led.

When they got to me they shared a few words then also said they saw me w/ a 'backpack' going on a 'journey'. Being the type of person *I* am, I wondered if the backpack was a burden. lol

Then they prayed for JOY....but the woman came back w/ a puzzled look on her face, The Lord gave me a sword for you? The other woman said she sensed it was a rod...@ the same time we both responded that it was like a walking stick.

I had an image of myself hiking up a mountain or on a trail, w/ a back pack & a walking stick, heading towards the giant sun in the sky & once I reached the summit, was awe struck @ such an amazing view.

Another interesting point is that my Dh was not w/ me but rather off to the side w/ the ktbunch, his arms around them protectively as they were watching me.

I pondered on this for awhile, not knowing what to think....thinking the worst, of course. My DH wondered if I had a walking stick BECAUSE he was NOT w/ me...

Then....I was 'invited' to go to Ethiopia! Was that the journey we all saw as they prayed?

I can only wonder & step out on faith. It makes no logical sense. We cannot even pay our own bills but yet I am going to go on a endeavor that requires so much money. Would God really want me to fundraise for this trip while my utilities get shut off?

It all makes no sense...leaving my family, missing my 2 littles birthdays....why ME? Don't get me wrong, I truly, really want to go. I imagine it will be the adventure of a lifetime. But is it appropriate? Is this desire within me (that even DH recognizes, I've always had) sincere?

I DO realize & admit, that now, I feel like I actually have something to offer. I have learned so much in regards to my personal relationship w/ Jesus Christ...it's everything else in this world that confuses me, such as MY place in IT!

I want to share this amazing Love & Grace w/ any & all who will listen. I know I have changed & been healed & released of some oppressions I did not even realize existed. I have had a serious life transformation.

Some ways I can only vaguely describe...others are tangible, almost unbelievable. Such as...my whole life I have been very shy. I know my friends have a hard time believing this but it's true. As an adult I forced myself to learn tools to help w/ this but the root of this is basic insecurity. Worrying about what others will think of me, it's a very self-centered insecurity. Well, since my 'transformation' that shyness is literally gone!

Also I have had some pretty strong physical boundaries. I would joke about, yes. But I really did not like people touching me. I kept a fairly tight personal space boundary & had no problem letting people know about it. Even w/ women, I tolerated the 'hugs' but it was extremely uncomfortable anyway. I did allow a few I trusted into my space, such as my DH & children, but beyond them....3 FT! lol Well, I no longer feel a NEED to keep people @ bay. It no longer bothers me for people to touch me in normal, friendly fashion. Such as hugs from friends, or when people lay hands on for prayer.

It truly is amazing & unless you experience it & have lived liked this yourself, it may be hard to understand, relate to or even believe.

Then there is the compassion & peace within my household. Almost like day & night. I really think it's emanating (if that's the appropriate word) from me. As if MY changes are overflowing onto my family.

I am being challenged & learning so much. I feel like all the dots are starting to connect...why did it take me 35 years to get here?

Reborn on my Birthday?

2008-04-18T12:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my birthday & I went to a prayer meeting in the evening....a friend recommended it to me. I had been looking forward to it for weeks. All day, I kept thinking, maybe I will be reborn on my birthday. Strange thought to have but I kept having it.

I was really praying & hoping for a miracle within my life. I had been hearing & learning about generational curses & prayers for it. God had revealed to me some generational patterns within my life & family, so I was really interested in being set free from all this madness.

Dh agreed to go w/ me. The people were nice....I will cut to the chase but it was a long night. Towards the end of the evening, they were praying w/ me & leading me through various prayers & there was a part where the pastor was guiding me to picture or imagine my birth. Part of me thought it was hokey but I was willing to try anything @ this point & hope for some real change in my life.

I could picture my birth but it was form a viewers perspective, like from the outside looking in...the pastor asked me if Jesus was there, yes he was. The amazing part was how my perspective changed....I could feel like God was asking me to choose, Jesus had his hands out & I was thinking, I am an infant, i can't choose....I can't even move. lol Then my perspective changed & I was no longer an outsider looking in, viewing the scene, I was looking up @ Christ from myself as a baby. I chose to look up at him. I did it.

Then I felt myself get panicky: asking him to take me w/ him. Then he responded: My daughter, I am not going anywhere.

Interesting but lately when I hear the Lord speaking to me, he addresses me as 'my daughter', not by name or anything else, but 'my daughter'.

And I think I wrote about an image I had a few weeks ago of Christ lifting me up then holding me as a little girl. Well I had that image again but there were more little girls around. Christ was holding me but my mother & grandmother were both there as little girls, standing around him.

I think there are so many things that happen to us, wound us, when we are little that stay w/ us our entire lives, and we are not even aware of it. but Christ is right there w/ us & He can heal, cleanse & free us from those deep hurts, whatever they may be.

Afterwards, I just felt so light & free. Words do not adequately describe the feeling but I know it was real & I wish everyone would do it. I feel like a lifetime of oppression is gone from my life & my children's lives. I have a strong hope for the future w/o dread or fear.

I can't really explain it but it's different. I know my entire life has been changed...for the better.

God Knows...

2008-03-26T22:46:00.000-07:00

I read & prayed these verses to the Lord last night:

Psalm 55

1 Listen to my prayer, O God,
do not ignore my plea;
hear me and answer me.
2 My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught...

4 My heart is in anguish within me;
terrors of death assail me.
Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.
6 I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest--
7 I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
8 I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and the storm.

12 If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were raising himself against me,
I could hide from him.
13 But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,
14 with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

16 But I call to God,and the Lord saves me,
17 Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress,and he hears my voice.

20 My companion attacks his friends;
he violates his covenant.
21 his speech is smooth as butter,
yet war is in his heart;
his words are more soothing than oil
but they are drawn swords.
22 Cast your cares on the Lord
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall.

The chapter ends w:
But as for me, I trust in you.

Deep Roots

2008-03-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

I've been specifically praying (for a few things) but particularly for God to reveal to me any roots I have within myself. Especially as we were going through the FAST, for the month of February, w/ the theme of "Breakthrough"....

And I'm realizing that even though I'm 34 years old...there are things buried deep inside, I wasn't even aware existed...or had had any affect on my life.

But they are there. hurts? wounds? disappointments?

So now, I am on this mini-journey for what? To face it if nothing more.

That is the first step, to face these things head on. The things that shaped me, go through the doors, break down the walls & see what happens.

It might be painful. I suspect it will be. Ok, I think I'm pretty sure it WILL be.

The main thing is, I realize that this junk between E & I, the real pain I felt, really has nothing to do w/ him, if that makes sense...it's deeper than that. Farther back, before him even.

Why God wants me to acknowledge it, I don't even know. I don't know what the point even is...but I suspect it may be.......freedom.

Still giving up!

2008-03-04T16:12:00.000-08:00

Going through this nightmare, God has shown me so much about myself. How much I still try to control HIM!

How much I still need to give up my idea of control & having this life & treating this life as MY own. My life belongs to God, I believe, to glorify God. Not myself.

I am truly learning more what this 'deny yourself' really means. I can't say I am particularly enthralled w/ the idea, because basically, *I* want what *I* want.

What *I* want are not bad things. They are not even necessarily selfish things...but they are what *I* want. God is asking me, more & more to surrender what *I* want....for what HE wants for me.

How tightly I hold onto what *I* want. I can't even attain what *I* want lest God allows it but I hold on, cross my arms, pout &stamp my foot while wailing: but I waaaaant IT!

I cry out. God knows my grief. And it IS grief. To let go of plans, hopes, dreams. But I choose to trust fully in God's word. I choose to believe him when he said in Jer 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you, not to harm you or to hurt you but to give you a future & a hope.

I have comfort that God will have a greater plan, a greater dream for my life. It is no easy task to LET GO. Let go of ALL your dreams. Let go of what you THOUGHT your life was going to look like.

I think letting go also includes a bit of holding on---holding on to disappointment & grief. but not forever. yes, acknowledgement is ok. God knows our disappointment. It is a disappointment. But the hope comes from trusting that God has something better in store that will surpass any disappointment & sacrifice of things not going my way.

And He also has the power to resurrect my hopes & dreams. It is in his time. but the point is to let God decide my future. Am I willing to forgo my ideal? my idea of happiness? My idea of future? My idea of hope? My dreams?

And for what? To let go my ideas for the unknown?

I know I can do it. But will i? yes, I am willing. After crying over what is lost....for what I believe was taken & stolen from me, I heard God ask me, Are you WILLING to GIVE it away?

Am I willing to GIVE away my hopes & dreams for whatever God asks of me? For what God has in store for me? Am I willing to GIVE it ALL away, though it may never be what I imagined? for the unknown?

I am & I am.

It is a choice. I realize that many of these things I am grieving losing, I feel like my life has been STOLEN from me, God asks if I am willing to GIVE away of my own free will as opposed to seeing these things as stolen against my will.

If I am giving it away, what loss is then experienced? What grief? Is there loss in the giving or only in the being stolen from?

My grief can then be replaced by gladness in the offering I am sacrificing to my Lord.

hmmm...I hadn't even begun to see it that way before.

My grief can be replaced by gladness

Night of Prayer & Worship

2008-02-29T21:06:00.000-08:00

Tonight was designated as our Night of Prayer & Worship, as we came together to break our fast.

During a major portion of prayer & worship we were challenged to to sit quietly & allow God to speak to us.

One particular moment we were told to imagine our sins going into Jesus wounds upon the cross. I sat & waited. I was praying for God to remove the deep roots within my heart that needed to be broken through & removed. I could see myself @ the foot of the cross. I feel like there is nothing but ugliness within me. I HAVE to get all of this 'bad stuff' out of me. I begin to wretch & vomit. Everything within me that is debase, disgusting & gross comes out. My heart is torn open & the disgustingness is flowing out of me w/ vomitroscious force.

The vomit is shooting up to Jesus, it becomes the nails in his hands, the spear in his side, the vomit is shooting into his open, fleshy wounds. The vomit, my vomit is causing his wounds. But then....as his wounds are gaping & bleeding...His blood is pouring out, onto me, covering me, dripping over me starting from my head.

As His blood pours over me, I am emerging as this beautiful creature. The blood is transforming me from disgusting to radiant. My vomit causes his wounds, which cause his blood, which cleanses & purifies me.

Later as I went to the 'altar' to kneel before the Lord, initially I was praying, then I stopped & just knelt there.

Again, I imagined myself @ the feet of Jesus. Nothing out of the ordinary, just me, as I am today, kneeling @ His feet. I feel him lift my face up towards Him as he says w/ gentle care, My daughter, lifting me up to my feet but as I rise, I am a young girl, lifted into her Father's arms & he is holding me. I see a young girl, in a ruffled skirt, two pig tails, one on each side of her head, folded white ruffled socks & shiny black maryjane shoes. Her face is nestled into his neck, her legs wrapped around his waist. he can't help but hug her as he holds her. As he holds ME.

I could FEEL this & it overwhelmed me. I began to get teary eyed but smile as Jesus touched me personally within my heart & very soul. I felt like.....??? Jesus was reaching to & revealing that hurt little girl inside of me. Although i am no longer a little girl, but a grown woman, HE still cares about the wounds of that little girl. He is here to love & care for that little girl, still.

Then I felt an urgent need to pray for my own 5.5yo dd, that she NEVER feel that pain of rejection & abandonement as a child that can plague her through out her life.

I'm still here...

2008-02-11T21:36:00.000-08:00

I've learned so much these past few months.
I can't even believe it's been 3.5 mos since the 'nightmare', but it has.

The joy that this fills me w/ is so peaceful.

I am still growing every day in my relationship w/ Christ, my Savior.

I've gone from feeling utterly dejected, rejected, worthless & disposable, to realizing my value IN CHRIST. I have been even more reassured of how much my life DOES mean to Christ. He cried w/ me, ached w/ me & rejoiced w/ me @ each tiny triumph & victory.

All the while, showing me that HE was in control.

My marraige did not restore itself, neither did things take such a drastic turn by any will of mine. Over & over again, God showed me how totally impossible this situation was & yet...?? Here we are. Together again.

We are doing a 28 day fast, @ church. I am fasting sugar & sweet desserts. It's been harder than I thought it would be. I am excited to see what God is going to do within this month. I am excited to see the 'breakthroughs' that will happen.

Personally, it's been a real challenge, to NOT feel like I HAVE to take care of myself. I know I've been disappointed so many times & have this underlying feeling that I will NOT be taken care of by anyone, therefore I can only depend on myself. I want to release that & fully rely on God. I can do it sometimes & I've seen him woork in amazing & unbelieveable ways....but can I release EVERYTHING when I have the option to DO something?

That is where I am right now.

On day ONE of fasting, DH lost his job.....he doesn't have a repalcement yet. Only 18 more days & our rent is due again. What will I do then? Can I relase all ideas of 'control' & give this all to God?

It's a challenge to be sure.

I am excited to see what God is going to do.

As of today, I feel I am prepared for whatever God has in mind...maybe we will be 'camping' come this time next month. I have NO idea. But I am ready to embrace the adventure. @ least I THINK I am. lol

How do I FEEL?

2007-11-03T22:38:00.000-07:00

My body wracks & heaves
Is it possible to vomit up a lung
My chest aches
I imagine any minute now my heart will burst out of my chest

I am doubled over in unimaginable pain
Pain I can't really feel but it is there
Tears flow freely as the screams & cries of sorrow are silent

Does God hear me?
Does He know how I feel?
Does He know how much my SOUL aches
the heaviness in my chest that weighs me down

I think I am going to die from sorrow
How much can a human soul really take
I pray & scream & cry out

I am begging
I can't get any lower
please make it stop
GOD!

I imagine He must know
but why then does He allow this to continue
For what purpose

I imagine He feels what I feel
How can He take it
How can anyone ever go through this
How did they survive

Am I the only weak one
Will this kill me
what can I do

Is there a way to stop it
I think not
Can I disappear

Depths of pain and sorrow
run deep
deeper than I've ever known
Release me

another night I cry myself to sleep

Never Alone

2007-05-21T00:19:00.000-07:00

Never Alone

I waited for you today

But you didn't show

No no.

I needed you today

So where did you go?

You told me to call

Said you'd be there

And though I haven't seen you

Are you still there?

Chorus

I cried out with no reply

And I can't feel you by my side

So I'll hold tight to what I know

You're here and I'm never alone

And though I cannot see you

And I can't explain why

Such a deep reassurance

You've placed in my life.

We cannot separate

'Cause you're part of me.

And though you're invisible

I'll trust the unseen.

Chorus

The first time I heard this song....all the 'religious mental tapes' ran through my head. I thought; "how dare they sing that God isn't there...He's always there for us, everyone knows that, every good Christian knows that." Right?

But I was drawn to the song...I continued to listen to it over & over....it is pretty much exactly how I think & feel. I don't 'feel' God, I don't really 'see' God. But somehow I do know that He is real. I have seen Him work in my life. I can attest to that.

But for me, it is not a feeling. That goes along w/ my basic personality as well. Not much of a feeler anyway, not very emotional.

I love how honest this song is. Many people testify to feel God & see Him, to know him so personally in ways I've never experienced. I've often wondered if there was something wrong w/ me. I can easily get caught up in the lingo to be sure I sound like an authentic & good Christian.

Lately, I've gone to the other end.....more of that raw honesty w/ God. I've realized...He can handle it. I've noticed more and more people are thinking the same way. It's ok to be angry @ God, ok to question Him. I think God desires our whole heart, body, mind & soul & that includes the good bad and the ugly. He really can handle it.

For so long I couldn't be honest. I thought I had to be a certain way, always the 'right way'. I'm not talking about righteousness. I am referring to saying the right things, acting like you got everything under control, you are ok, doing fine ect. You are a "good Christian".

Even w/ my questions, as this song describes, I still know, deep in my heart that God is always w/ me. I know He is real....even if I can't see or fell Him. My experience, though, may not always look like the next Christian's....or maybe it actually does.

It takes Faith to DIE.

2007-03-17T01:01:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that the moment that takes the most faith is not always to LIVE a "Christian Life" but rather to DIE one.

As we live, there are people to tell us things will get better, we can hear assurances from God, gain encouragement & wisdom from those who may have experienced what we have, when times are rough. It gives us comfort, calm & peace.

But as that moment of death approaches, NO ONE can tell us what lay on the 'other side'. No one IRL has returned to say, "I've been there." or "This is what you will experience." Only Christ, whom we have not met in his human form!

You must step over, alone, to face whatever will come.

Yes, God is w/ you. But that is my point, only YOU, alone, can have your death.

You must take it on Faith that everything you have read in God's Word, all you have been taught & professed to believe, are TRUE.

We don't always know our time is near. Many die unexpected deaths every second...some are blessed to have an 'idea' that the end is nearer than it was yesterday, as in the case of a terminal illness. I don't know how much control the human soul has either of releasing thier spirit....but in those cases, where death is iminent & it's coming is known....would you have the faith to DIE?

Would I?

I think it might be the ultimate 'test'. Will I be willing to submissively give my LIFE over to the unknown, based only a words of promise? Can I do it?

It does not need to wait until I KNOW I am dyING. AM I willing to have that mad faith even now? DO I?

It is one thing to profess faith when we are living our life as we have 'chosen'. Even if I am praying for "God's will" in my life daily....am I willing to pray for God's will to my DEATH?

Am I willing to DIE? Do I have the faith to Die, right now? Or can I profess Faith ONLY because I don't really believe I might die tomorrow.

I think it is in the distant future. Sure, I will die 'someday'. Am I willing to turn my body over to Christ fully as one who would accept a death sentence tomorrow? or today? Am I ready RIGHT NOW? Would I be @ peace w/ mortal news?

OR would I say...sure BUT I'd be sad for my children, family...sure BUT there is so much more I want to do...sure BUT I need to plan, prepare...sure BUT I need to get things in order...sure BUT...sure BUT...sure BUT...

There is no BUT. Either I am or I am not.

Because if God was calling me RIGHT THIS moment or 6 mos from now...do I not believe GOD, in His infinite wisdom, would take care of my family, would consider my 'work' here done, would expect me to already be prepared? OR would I fight, would I resist, hold on, be afraid because *I* am not ready because I actually doubt what is written in God's word?

I think it takes ALOT of faith to DIE. You must trust, as fully as never before, that God's Word is true. I do believe it is the ultimate test of Faith.

I hope I can pass that test when the time comes.

At least you have your Faith.....

2006-12-30T11:56:00.000-08:00

WHAT does that mean?

I have heard it a few times, a few different variations, regarding my mom's death. SO because I have some 'faith' it is less painful? Easier to deal w/? I have some special power that should expediate my grief?

I will say that because I do have 'my faith' I do take comfort knowing that my mom (& my grandmother) are both w/ the Lord right now, truly & honestly. I know they had a personal relationship w/ Jesus Christ.

BUT that does not alleviate my missing them, especially my mom. It does not alleviate the tears or the emptiness. I don't get a free pass on grief cause I have 'my faith'. kwim?

And if those w/o faith believe that, then what do they have to look forward to when someone they love dies? Unending grief & sorrow? Is that what they think?

I believe I will miss my mom FOREVER while on this earth. I will grieve FOREVER while on this earth. It won't end until we are reunited in heaven. She will forever be missed.

I am not 'falling to pieces' of course. It's not my style. lol I have my moments. I think some people expect me not too, I know it makes people uncomfortable, helpless. It makes ME uncomfortable. lol But it's there. I'm normal, really.

And with or w/o faith, I think the pain (if that's what you want to call it) is still there & still great.

I had forgotten......

2006-11-12T22:19:00.000-08:00

Mid August, there was a meeting for the prayer team, or whoever was interested in the prayer team. I attended. @ the time, I felt emotionally or spiritually, that something was stirring inside of me. I wasn't sure what it was...but I felt something, that God was preparing me for something or something was going to happen, maybe an unresolved issue that that needed to be worked, or MAYBE just a hormone imbalance. I didn't know but I requested prayer for it.

Soon after, my mom was admitted to the hospital for extreme pain & eventually was diagnosed w/ her cancer. Less than 2 mos later, she was dead. She practically died in my arms, her heart probably stopped as I had turned her over to change & bathe her. I was holding her but didn't realize.

So last week @ church...a member from the prayer team was sitting in front of me, it reminded me of that prayer meeting we had had & my prayer request. After that night I prayed intently for God to reveal to me what He wanted, or needed from me or whatever needed changing in my life.

I realized it was that, everything w/ my mom was what He was stirring within my heart. What does that mean to me? I realized that it was just another confirmation in my life that God was w/ me, by my side, preparing me for something I had no idea about. Preparing my heart & soul for something I could never had predicted but HE knew. HE knew from the beginning of time that that all roads would lead to this moment. He knew before I knew & He let me know that He knew even though I didn't.

Knowing I would be able to look back @ that moment in time, that tiny moment & again, know, that He was w/ me & would always be w/ me....all along the way, when I needed Him, before I even knew that I needed Him.

Skidding out of control......

2006-04-04T15:43:00.000-07:00

I made a quick trip to the bank today. It's been raining ALL day, SO UNlike CA weather. Blah. Anyway, on my way back, I'm not sure but I may have been going a bit too fast, I honestly don't know.

I was far enough away when the light turned yellow, my car should have easily stopped, it didn't. It skidded, I think my brakes locked up. Not only was the car NOT stopping but it was not going straight either, it was veering off to the side into the other lane.

My heart near 'bout stopped as I pictured myself sliding into the intersection & cross traffic. Finally, the car DID stop & then I just thought, how embarrassing! I put my car in reverse & straightened out into my own lane. Realizing how potentially awful this could have been IF anyone had been on either side of me OR in front of me. There was no one.I didn't have my liscence, wallet or anything. I ran out of the house w/o even grabbing it, for a literal in & out errand.

How many times in life do we NOT pay attention to our 'speed'. Going about our business & when we decide to stop, it may be too late. Circumstances beyond our control, the potential to go skidding out of control. Sure it's a good thing we are trying to stop & w/ good reason. My point is to be aware BEFORE the need arises to 'slam on the brakes'. Be aware of outside influences, aware of what is coming up ahead....kwim? We must always be alert & on the ready, in life. The way to do that is to mind God more than our own business, I think.

I felt sick afterwards, that rush of adrenaline I guess. Poor angels, working over time today. ;o)

I AM the Adulterous woman.....

2006-03-31T23:12:00.000-08:00

Never could I relate before. Never would I have even considered it. How could I have forgotten?
My life has been touched by adultery, not my own, not in the worldly sense anyway. I remember when I was debating what to do in my own marriage, when it was learned that my H had betrayed his vows. I was so angry & I heard God say to me: You have been unfaithful TO ME every day of your life. I heard it, I felt it & I was moved.

But that was then, I carried that mini-lesson w/ me, in my back pocket, to be brought out upon occasion when needed. When women, married or not, asked me HOW I could forgive my H...I brought out my 'wisdom', my 'word of the Lord'. I understood it, I KNEW it.

But just now, watching the video in the previous post...thinking how I could relate to Mary, as a mother, how pained her heart must have been to witness her son & Lord suffering, in such horrific ways. The actress portrays a stoic mother, not turning away. Then I caught that glimpse of the 'other Mary', the 'adulteress', crying & weeping, hardly able to contain herself, then it hit me.......

I AM her as well. It is not just my H. I am not the 'forgiver', I AM the forgiven. Even to THIS day. That spirit of discontent I have allowed to breed within my heart. That boredom, the fantasies, the wishes, leaving me empty. Flirting w/ temptations, whatever they may be, luring me from MY groom, who is my Lord.

How could I have been so blinded? So naive? My heart is physically aching as I write this.

To BE discontent, that is straying, that was breaking my vow to my Lord. That is how it starts, not in the sinful act itself, but in the idea of it, the thoughts, the premeditation of it. How quickly & easily it festers.

How could I have not noticed? I thoutgh I did not know the true reach of God's grace because somehow I never experienced it. It was all in 'talk' but not action. I had not actually, ever done anything SO bad. Still, in denial.

I never thought I would be her. I take precautions, I avoid the appearance of evil, I guard my mouth.....I was slacking off in guarding my mind, my heart. I allowed my mind to wander to the ideas of this world, "shiny things".........anything that could take me farther & farther from my Lord.

wow.

I know it seems so obvious............................

It STILL moves me......

2006-03-31T23:07:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm a robot?

2006-03-21T18:14:00.000-08:00

Somewhere along the time continuum, that is my life, I became very 'logical'. Maybe I was always that way & never realized it. It is described in a marriage communication book I read, as a 'thinker', as opposed to being a 'feeler'.

It is a trait that can really come in handy, say, when decisions need to be made. It can also be quite frustrating when dealing w/ those who are 'feelers'. Especially if that 'feeler' is your spouse.

Also, most people don't believe me but I have a naturally 'depressive' nature. I have probably been clinically depressed my whole life. So is my mother, aunt (her sister) & my grandma (her mom). So I don't know if it is genetic or a 'learned' behavior or a combination of both. So it is interesting that positive emotions are a vague concept for me to grasp BUT I am very familiar & even comfortable w/ the range of negative ones.

Logical thinking has gotten me through many dark hours & during the darkest, medication. It was still my logical thought process that led me to seek medication before someone got hurt or worse, though. Now, I accept it as a 'fact of life' that I may never grasp 'happiness' but in a way it has been very freeing. I used to search intently for this 'happiness'. Not knowing what it was or how it was achieved & why it seemed so easy for everyone else. Once I hit the lowest point & felt the fear of being psychotic....I took the drugs, which helped beyond belief. Gained some mental control & then began some serious soul searching. (I am no longer on any medication, btw)

I accepted that this was me. However flawed, God created me as me, the logical one, the thinker & the possibly the 'depressive'. Therefore I gave up my goal for 'happiness' & instead focused my energy on being content. It was not a feeling for me. It was a logical choice. I could live my life feeling broken, unfulfilled, & empty OR I could live my life having CHOSEN to BE.

So I chose to BE. Just be. In that choice, I also started to create. Create my life as I wanted it to be. I chose to take my thoughts captive. I made a conscious choice to think of the good things, nice things, things I am grateful for. (hhhmmmmm...wonder where we've heard that advice before? lol)

My mottos changed. My marriage was no longer 'hard work' but an 'adventure'. Suddenly I was living Happily Ever After. I stopped seeking external validation or gratification, stopped expecting everyone else to make me happy.

I would hear others speak of this inexplicable LOVE they have for Christ, these emotions, these feelings. I'd think I must not be a good Christian because I just don't feel that way. Again, an epiphany or something....cause DUH, GOD made me this thinker. I may not feel love for Christ, but I can act lovingly. I can choose to be loving to others. I am touched by His sacrifice for me, but it is not an emotional reaction, but rather, it makes sense to me that I would be grateful for what He chose to do for me. How could you not?

The hard part comes into play when you are dealing w/ others who are emotionally motivated. They crave feelings. They want you to make them feel something. I do not hold others accountable to make me feel anything. I do not expect anyone to make me happy. I choose to act happy or not. Feelings fade w/ the wind. I know that so I do not depend on them. That is why I do not make decisions based on how I am feeling today. I have never ripped up a picture, out of anger, because I always knew that I would not be that angry forever & I most likely I would regret it later. lol

So how do a thinker & feeler make it work IRL? Oh the secret........lol.....accepting them as who they are, instead of as 'wrong'. lol NOT expecting them to be like me, think like me or to make choices like me, for starters. Paying attention is also a necessary skill. When someone tells me, I feel loved when you do _______. You can be sure I will be doing ______. Because my action will communicate love to that other person, or whatever feeling they are seeking.

I think my oldest son is more of thinker like me, ds #2---> total feeler & my dd, well, she's just a squealer! lol

And being a thinker does not mean that we are not sensitive, quite the contrary. I am so sensitive I can almost read minds & my children are very intune that way too. So much so, that it is almost scary. (I call it my super power, so don't tell anyone) They will examine & dissect every intake of breath, sigh, minute body language & inflection of voice. It can be tiring, for both parties. Perhaps that is why everyone thinks they are exceptional communicators, even at such young ages?

I joke that my super power is also a curse. It is extremely hard for me to take a person's words @ face value when it appears so obvious they do not mean it. But for whatever reason, they are choosing not to say what they mean, but rather what they want you to hear or what they think you want to hear. {maybe that is the real reason I am crazy. lolol} My ktbunch does not know that yet, about taking someone's word @ face value. Instead they question every sigh & inflection.

I think, this is why sometimes, I wish we could all be robots. :o)

Dull or Bright light?

2006-01-07T22:24:00.000-08:00

The lightbulb in our laundry-slash-dog's room recently burned out. Ds changed it & boy was it suddenly BRIGHT in there! & I mean BRIGHT!

That room is right behind the kitchen on your way to the back yard. I hate the way my kitchen looks @ night. It looks dull & DINGY to be precise. At first I thought it was dirt, on the walls, cupboards ect. SO I scrubbed & scrubbed but it still looked 'dingy'. Then I figured it must have been a 'dingy' paint color but it doens't look as 'dingy' in the daylight. Then after changing that lightbulb...I have come to another conclusion....

It's the lightbulb!

The lightbulb is dim & dingy.....OR.....the cover is dirty & is causing the light that is trying to shine through it to appear dingy.

Either way, this is what I realized.....@ any time my light (which should really be Jesus' light) can become 'dingy'. Maybe I have let 'dirt' & 'grime' build up on or around me, thus dimming my light. Have I? Have you? Think about it.

Is the paint (the people around us) actually dingy OR is it just the reflection of my dingy light? Am I not shining as bright as I could be? Have I let myself go & maybe I need some cleaning up? Why should I let my dirt hold back the light?

Or do I need something to refresh me & give energy back to my light? Am I too busy trying to scrub what is around me (like my cupboards) when really it is me that needs the scrubbing to get the light to shine as bright as it once was?

I realized there was never anything wrong w/ my kitchen...it was just the light that was the problem.

I for one have heard this lesson loud & clear...I am going to make sure I maintain MY light this year & shine as bright as possible.

Dear God....

2006-01-06T13:01:00.000-08:00

We need to have a little chat.

Ok, you know how stressed out I get about finances. I know you know. And the fact that YOU know...well it make me wonder WHY I keep getting stressed, or rather why there are continuous situations that cause me stress.

For example, my H pay plan. I know I married a (as Debi Pearl would call him) 'Mr. Visionary'...to a 'T'. And I love that man. But I never realized how important regularly scheduled income would be. I had NO idea.

It doesn't seem to stop regular bills though. I know that you promised to meet all of our needs & I KNOW you have heard me cry out to you many a time. But is it too much to ask/request that you fill me in on your plans once in awhile?

For example, YESTERDAY. It was payday....again.

I was EXTREMELY stressed out for some MYSTERIOUS reason. (hint, hint) And I was SURE that H pay check would just NOT be enough for the regualr bills. I was just so sure & worried & had visions of us NOT being able to pay the rent this month.

I tried not to let it get to me. I did not get upset...but I was trying to put on a calm outside although my insides were literally full of knots. Seriously, I couldn't even eat...but I made up for that later. ;)

As I was thinking about one of my New Years "Resolutions", if you want to call it that, of truly giving our budget over to YOU....I was also trying to 'make a plan', a 'financial plan', to avoid these VERY uncomfortable feelings in the future. IS that wrong?

I mean is it wrong for me to 'make the plan' if I already gave it to you? See...that's where *I* think it would be an EXCELLENT idea for you to fill me in on YOUR plan.....kwim?

So I was really quite surprised when I actually SAW H paycheck when we finally got it. It appears to be MORE than enough. ( I mean than regularly scheduled) I was truly SHOCKED. I certainly don't deserve such grace. I know that. & I know that YOU know that & you know that I know that.

And me knowing ahead of time, I guess really couldn't make much of a difference now would it? BUT it could possibly relieve some of my anxiety you know.

I don't know...do you & H have a conspiracy going or something? Because HE never seems to be worried about the bills much less much of anything else for that matter. Are you gaining up on me?

I do have to add that I was quite BLESSED to see that ALL of H hard work last month REALLY paid off. It would have been so disappointing if he would have put in all those late & long hours for a 'lower than enough' check.

I know, I know, your timing is perfect & your provision sufficient...but I'm only asking for a clue, you know, a hint maybe.

Well, yes, you have ALWAYS provided in the past & I have NO reason to worry, since we've never been homeless in the past--but we've been close-but your right, 'close' is NOT homeless. And I know that I am the first to acknowledge that YOU have ALWAYS been faithful & generous. No I can't argue w/ that. I know you love me & I appreciate your sense of humor about all of this, really. Oh sure, it's very funny I bet, to see me squirm, when really I should know by now that I have no reason too.

Yes, & I do understnad what a waste of time it is to fret when I have so much proof that there is NO need too.

Ok, Ok, I get the point. Please don't take this to mean that I am not greatful, because I am. You know that right? Yah, of course you do.

Well, in case I didn't tell you already, thank you. I really mean that. :o)

No one is poor in America

2005-12-28T23:23:00.000-08:00

Ok, I know there are actually 'poor' people in America....somewhere, I met a couple living in a dumpster space in the alley @ the end of my block...but besides them....

This is the country of excess, EXCESS, I tell ya'! We're on a very LEAN budget. I'll be honest, we've made some financial mistakes & had many moments of financial mismanagement...but in our darkest hours...we've ALWAYS had a roof over our head, running water & STUFF up to our eyeballs!

I am really SICK of it. I'm SICK of all the stuff. It's like eating chocolate NON-stop, more & more & more. Gluttony in materialistic form, that's what it is.

It's barely a few days past Christmas.....they have a closet FULL of brand new, UNopened toys. I don't know if they will EVER get a chance to open them much less before their next b-day.

Something has to change.

I am now fully convinced that the MORE we give our children, the MORE UNsatisfied & discontent they will become. It will only breed & feed the lusts of thier flesh.

I have been hearing more & more arguing these past few days. IN theory, all these wonderful, new & tantalizing shiny toys would be keeping them busy right? No. Overwhelmed w/ what they 'wanted'...I believe they begin to EXPECT EVERYTHING they desire & then become gravely disappointed when they do not receive EVERYTHING they have desired. All the while becoming more & more selfish & inwardly focused on self!

And why not?...we have trained them to expect EVERYTHING. I think this is SO destructive to their character & nature.

The immediate intentions are good, well meaning relatives want to show that they love & care by giving gifts. In the long run, though, when you look @ the big picture, the 'intention' is actually very negative.

I was a bit concerned this Christmas that we would not be able to afford to give gifts to our children.....I don't know why! Every aunt & uncle & cousin gave them something. Plus, we got the brand new toys that co-workers had left over in their garages from Christmas's past. Plus I was busy making home-made gifts that I thought they would enjoy. And they did.

So WHY did I fall into that trap of worry? Knowing FULL well that they would be over-indulged?

I am hoping to spend this next year REALLY focusing on GIVING. I want my children to be moved inwardly to show compassion & caring outwardly. I want to focus on how RICH & blessed we truly are, so much that we don't NEED anything & that we can GIVE BACK to others who REALLY have less than us.

People are STILL starving, lonely & hurting the other 11 months of the year too. I want my children to know that & CARE. I am not sure HOW but I am going to focus on 'serving' these people in our community this year.

I think it's time to put my FEET where my faith is & I'm bringing the ktbunch w/ me!

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

2005-12-28T13:09:00.000-08:00

I recently saw this movie. It kinda poses the question of possession vs. mental illness. Is possession REALLY just mental illness OR is mental illness REALLY possession? Well it posed the question TO ME.

The movie is supposedly based on a true story....this devout Catholic girl goes away to college & then develops either some sort of mental illness OR is possessed.

Now since it IS based on a true story & I haven't done the research to know HOW loosely or tightly based it is....I wonder then....I have been taught & always believed that if you are 'saved' you cannot be 'possessed'...so was this girl possessed & tortured & now she is in HELL? OR can you be saved AND possessed?

It certainly seemed that SHE believed in God & thought she was going to Heaven...so was she deceived? Was she really not saved?

It seems the emphasis of the movie was to get people to 'believe in demons'....ok...well WHY? Is it so that if you believe in demons then you will believe in God? Then why not just show people God. kwim? Does God really need to reveal himself to us through demonic activites?

What is the point then? And if you really can't be possessed if you are 'aved' then was that girls torture in vain?

OR was she really just suffereing from mental illness? Or is it BOTH? Is mental illness a form of spiritual oppression? Ten if you read yoru Bible daily can you avoid mental illness?

Are some people just more susceptible to 'this type of thing'? If so then why? The movie seeme dto put the emphasis ont eh demonic powers & realm MORE than God.....so the story was NOT told to get to people to see God. But then IF you believe in Demons than are you convinced that there is a God? Seems like a long way to go about it.

And this brings up something else I have been wondering about. ghosts. I don't believe ghosts exist, @ least not in the sense that most think of them. I believe they are demons taking on a ghostly manifestation, to distract us from 'truth'...that is God. ok, then...but if you see a 'ghostly' figure or apparatiion & it is not communicating w/ you or appearing to get your attention....what is the point? Will a demon just show itself but for no apparent reason?

I really want to know these answers. Especially about the possession thing...because if what I have been taught is wrong...then maybe there are other things that I have been taught that are wrong as well. kwim?

I will not lose faith over it...but I do not want to be misled.

God doesn't need ME!

2005-11-04T16:09:00.000-08:00

The past few weeks I have been 'helping/ministering', whatever you want to call it, to a homeless couple. H wasn't particularly supportive of my efforts. He 'let me' do it though.

Last week we actually got into an arguement over it & he wanted me to discontinue my efforts. I strongly disagreed w/ him & struggled to submit. Although begrudgingly, I did as he wanted. I began to reflect on the situation from his point of view & step back emotionally from the situation.

I was very concerned for the couple but I began to see how emotionally attached I had become. TOO attached. I submitted to H wishes, although I was still very concerned for their well-being. The female half of the couple is about 5 months pg.

Well, she knocked @ the door yesterday to see if we had any recycleables. I gave her what I had but did not invite her in or offer much conversation. I have been sick anyways & let her know. She looked happy & excited. She told me that the day before, a guy had pulled up to them, while they were recycling, & said that the Lord put it on his heart to give this to them, & he proceeded to give them some cash. When they unfolded it later they realized it was $100.

They stayed in a motel & were able to get cleaned up that night. Then another guy was kinda staring @ her & driving by & finally stopped. She asked him what he wanted & he said he was concerned because he noticed she was pregnant & wanted to make sure she had eaten, he also gave them some $$$ to get something to eat.

I was blessed that she shared this w/ me because it confirmed that to me that I did the RIGHT thing by submitting to H in this area. It reminded me that MY job is to submit to H & God will bless that. God can do HIS job & HIS will w/o ME! lol HE will provide when He wants too...He does not need ME to do it for him. Especially if it means for me to dishonor my H. :o)

By me stepping back, God was able to allow someone else to minister to this couple in the name of Jesus, even.

It also challenged my faith. If *I* was not helping them...did I have faith that God would? This incident confirmed that God will have HIS will be done, regardless if it invovles me or not. IT wasn't about *me*...but I had made it that way.

By me stepping back, I was also stepping out in faith that GOD would provide for their needs even if *I* wasn't.

What are you holding on to?

2005-09-04T11:43:00.000-07:00

Not long ago, I found an nasty letter that was written to me YEARS ago. It was an angry, mean & threatening letter.

I had forgotten all about it & the incident it was referring to. I wondered for a moment WHY I had even saved it. I also remembered that I had found it even earlier & saved it back then.

WHY would anyone save something that would remind them of a bad time? I know exactly why. I was holding onto that letter as a grudge. I wanted to somehow feel validated or to have proof of how *I* had been wronged. How WRONG this person was for writing this to me.

By holding onto that, I was putting myself in the victim mode. I was keeping myself as the victim & trying to lift myself up as a martyr. It's a very evil thought process.

I decided to 'let it go' once & for all. I physically threw the letter away. Hoping never to be reminded again. Noone would ever find this letter. Noone else would ever know how *I* was 'wronged'.

I believe this is how God wants me all to deal w/ trangressions against me. To 'let them go'. Forgive & forget. Somethings are easier to forget than others, true. But that does not give me liscence not to try.

How many 'incidents' am I holding onto? Am I measuring my self-worth or value by the # of times I have been 'wronged'. Am I holding onto some righteous indignation?

I Corinthians 13: 5b Love......keeps no record of wrongs......

Peer Pressure is NOT just for teens!

2005-08-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

So many times we think of peer pressure as something only teenagers deal with. NOT so!

I recently realized how much peer pressure we are faced w/ everyday from every angle, young & old. For example, I normally avoid the mall. I usually don't have extra cash to burn so there is no point for me to enter the mall. I used to go just to walk around & window shop but would then leave feeling sad or bad about all the wonderful things I could not afford to buy. I realized that these window shopping trips left me w/ a feeling of discontentment.

Now I have taken that new found wisdom & tempered it for other things as well. Such as conversations. It is so easy for us to compare our lives to the lives of our friends & family. I am normally a pretty easy going, laid back person & wife. I try to 'roll w/ the punches' most days.

I believe God has hand-picked our children & spouses just for us to be evenly & perfectly matched w/, according to our needs & desires. Every couple has their own way of doing things & ways of relating to each other.

When hearing about 'other' couples ways of doing things, I noticed I was starting to get prideful about myself & disgruntled towards my H & the way we usually do things. The way that had been working for us, suddenly didn't seem good enough anymore. So & so's spouse does this & so & so's spouse does that.

In my heart was breeding a spirit of discontentment & ungratefulness. I realized it & checked myself quickly before it really took root. It is so important for us to temper the things we say to each other & the things we listen to from others. It is so easy for thoughts to be planted that can stir up bad attitudes.

We must keep our guard up to be aware of these trappings. Don't fall into them. Keep your armor on @ all times. Just because we are 'mature adults' does not mean that we are immune to Peer Pressure.

Busted!

2005-08-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

Do not say, "I'll pay you back for this wrong!" Wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you. Prov. 20:22

This was the verse in my daily reading yesterday. I didn't think much of it.......until I remembered I had been toying w/ the idea of a minor revenge tactic. If you knew what it was you would laugh your head off because it was so petty in comparison of what it was in revenge for.

I kept thinking I somehow DESERVED to do it. Kept thinking it really wouldn't hurt anyone except for possibly cause a minor inconvenience. I was plotting & scheming, I admit.

I was justifying all the reason WHY this would be an ok thing to do. Some would even consider it humorous!

Then today I remembered THIS verse from yesterday morning.

NO denying...revenge is never OUR right nor duty.

Does anyone else.....

2005-07-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

learn life lessons while scrubbing things? Oh, that's what I thought.

I have an O'keefe & Merritt stove. I guess it could be considered 'antique' or @ least kinda cool. I got it from a friend who was given a 'new' stove. All I cared about was that it 'worked'.

It was a bit grimy, she had 'inherited' it from someone else too. I didn't mind the grime all that much since I knew I wasn't the one who created it. It could be called shabby but hey, it's an O'Keefe & Merritt! It is actually worth something @ best & worth a little something @ worst.

One day, when I was doing a surface cleaning of it like I usually do. I decided to go gung ho & degrease the entire thing. By the time I was finished that thing looked like new. (ok, well not totally but it was VERY white & shiny!) I had never thought to do that before because: that was the way it came, it wasn't MY mess to clean up & it worked, what did I care if it was sparkling?

But now, it was MORE valuable since I put more work into it. I had never considered it before & had even entertained the idea of getting a new one, if I could ever afford it. It had been losing it's charm over the years.

After all was said & done, I realized that many of our relationships, primarily our marital ones, are very much like this stove. (Nooooo, I am NOT calling my H an oven, although he is pretty hot! ;) )

For example, when we first get married, our H or spouse, come to us w/ their own 'grime' left over from where they came from & how they were raised. It doesn't bother us too much @ first because we didn't create that mess & it kinda adds to thier charm right? And we feel no obligation to help clean it up.

After awhile, we start adding to it. H seems to get grimier & grimier, we become disatisfied & possibly entertain ideas of getting a 'new' one even though this one 'works fine'.

BUT if, like my oven, we put a bit of muscle into it, if we CARE enough to do it, our H or relationship, will again start to sparkle & shine. Their value will be restored & even increased. They will appeal to us again as they once did.

Are you willing to help remove that grime? Do you care enough too? Or you just gonna toss out the old & bring in the new?

I'm not 'antique' but I could be 'vintage' & I've got the grime to prove it, but I am so glad that Jesus is willing to put in the time & effort to wipe it away & allow me to sparkle again!

I am always SO surprised....

2005-07-15T17:13:00.000-07:00

by NICE people. really.

I am not sure why but I always wonder: WHY would someone want to be nice to me? kwim?

We have been really blessed by some friends from church. So helpful & ready & willing to truly excercise the love of God. To practice God's love NOT just 'talk' about it.

I cannot begin to describe how much this touches NOT only my heart but all the way to the core of my soul.

I *THINK* this may be just a taste of what my H feels towards me & the grace I have shown him within our marriage. Something that I rarely give a second thought too but I know touches him deeply.

We are not only given 'advice' & 'prayer' which are always things to be appreciated & are, but also tangible gifts. Useful gifts.

*sniff sniff* happy tears!

I truly hope that I can be of service to another in the same way someday.
I hope that MY life will be a blessing to someone.

Words, words, words

2005-07-08T16:32:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 18:20-21
From the fruit of his mouth a man's stomach is filled; with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied. The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat his fruit.

Considering, I am, obviously a word lover...this 'proverb for the day' REALLY grabbed my attention. Also when you consider the fact that women have a need to use almost 3x as many words than men per day.....

Am I producing bitter fruit w/ my words? Or can the fruit of my mouth be used to satisfy others? to minister others? to feed others?

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, QUIT looking @ me!!!

2005-07-06T22:07:00.000-07:00

You ever meet someone so similar in personality to yourself that @ first you just LOVE it & them to pieces. You figure that FINALLY you have met someone that really UNDERSTANDS your POV, thinks like you, analyzes things like you ect.

But then....you also start to see that they possess some of the same weaknesses as you. Except you can only recognize it because you have grown past them. You have realized how immature that line of thinking or judgemental attitude was. You cringe when you recognize it within a friend. At least I do.

What do you do? Can you confront another in love? Will they even listen? I think it depends on what YOU would do when you were @ that point in your life. When I was 'like that' would I have listened if someone told me I was wrong? I can honestly say it would have depended on how strongly I held my opinion to begin w/. kwim?

I can look back & w/ shame remember when I was too hard on someone but so sure I was RIGHT. And sometimes I may have been. But the problem was, back then, I cared more about being right then not. Although I never would have recognized it. I thought by proving I was right, I WAS being 'loving'. I was sharing 'in love'.

I have also realized that I was also wrong on many things too.

Other times I was actually naively ignorant. I didn't realize that I basically, was talking out of my bu++! Now after a few more years of crows feet, heartaches & stretch marks under my belt, I can see things much more clearly. LOL

I have a slower tongue, choose my battles & sometimes actually remain QUIET! {gasp}.

I hope that will be the case for my friend. I hope the lesson can be learned before it's too late. Words can wound, whether we realize it or not. Those wounds are not just for the person we focused them towards but also will pierce our heart when that realization comes that you are the one responsible for the wound of another's heart.

My DD almost drowned today!

2005-07-04T23:02:00.000-07:00

It's exactly like they say on all those summer public service announcements: it all happened w/ in a split second & there was NO noise.

All the children had gotten out of the pool. Sam & liberty took their floaties off. We were all on the deck starting to get snacks & drinks ect. I turned & saw Liberty IN the center of the jacuzzi, w/ her hands up, going under & under, she could NOT touch.

Immediately, I yelled her name & ran & jumped in & grabbed her. I was fully clothed & I even jumped in w/ my flip-flops. She was calm but you could see the fear in her eyes & relief when I pulled her out. She was not sputtering, she had held her breath. She was quiet. NO crying, no talking or anything. Just quiet.

I hugged her & held her tight, wrapped her in a warm dry towel & thought: I NEVER wanted to let her go again! I felt like crying afterwards, the stress you know. But I didn't. I just held her for a long time. Said quite a few verbal Thank you to God & His angels for watching my girl.

Everyone 'Amened' to that!

It's so easy to take everyday for granted. The truth is that we don't know when our final day is gonna be. God does & I know he has it all pre-planned but I am very grateful that for my dd, it was NOT today. God took the time to remind me today, again, how important these days are.

How UNimportant it was this morning to fight w/ my little daughter to get her hair brushed just right. How UNimportant it is to rush her out the door to get to a bar-b-que. How UNimportant it is to get upset over a messy bedroom.

AND how IMPORTANT it is to hug my child a little longer today. How important it is to hold her close when she was cold but didn't want to change out of her dress. How important it was to make sure my son had a little extra chocolate cake, even if we were on our way out the door.

Nothing like a good ol' scare to whip those priorities into shape hanh?

I didn't even mind sitting around in wet jeans afterwards either.